Single Mothers With Multiple Baby Daddies Shouldn’t Be Judged?!

(CLICK ABOVE TO SEE VIDEO)

My happiness is more important than social media. I see too many people attempting to take my happiness from me in my comment section. So I disabled my comments and user ratings. I’ve always given out my address encouraging people to email me if they have video topic suggestions. I received this email. It was about a video I did about women who have multiple deadbeat baby daddies. I also spoke about how women should stop requiring that the Father that IS supporting his child also be financially responsible for the children of those deadbeat dads just so those children can feel equal.

Soncerae,

I just finished watching your “More than 1 Baby Daddy?!? Single Mothers MUST stop doing this!!!” video and I must say that I was agreeing with most of what you had to say until you decided to judge women who have small children with more than one baby daddy. News flash: it doesn’t matter if your kids are 18 years or 18 months apart! You’re still gonna be looked at as a woman with multiple baby daddies. I’m not emailing you to attack you because that’s not what I do but your comments are turned off and it was disappointing to hear you appear to be talking down about and judging women who society looks at just like they look at you, even though your kids have a significant age gap: A Baby Mama with multiple baby daddies. Now, I do absolutely agree that a woman should use whatever child support money she gets towards the child/children that it’s intended for. That’s the correct thing to do. No one should be expectedto take care of kids that aren’t theirs, however if a man gets involved with a woman who they already know has (a) kid(s) by other men, common sense is going to tell him to walk away from that situation before he makes his own kid with her or realize that at some point some of whatever money that’s coming in is going to go towards all the kids at some point (not all the time) and if the man wants his kid to have specific items then buy those items outright instead of handing over money. If he’s making payments through the child support office I’m sure that if how the money is being used is in question, then he can request documentation/receipts/statements/proof on how the child support money is being spent. Worse come to worse, if he feels his child is not getting the financial support he provides or the care the child needs, then his next step should be trying to get primary custody. Once again, I’m not contacting you to attack you I’m just sharing my thoughts on your video. I watch your content fairly often because it’s good and will continue to do so.

Sincerely,

Nina

I want to publicly address this. I responded to her. I thanked her for her comment however I also made sure to express to her that I was tired of everyone taking everything I say so personal when it’s just an opinion. Everyone is so over emotional and sensitive. All over social media. I need to do a video about self control and discipline one day soon. I think the lack of discipline on YouTube is most likely what annoys me most. Everyone wants to give their opinion but they are so emotionally invested in it like it effects their life specifically. Like their entire world shatters if someone disagrees. When it’s just dialogue, perspectives and entertainment. If whatever is being said doesn’t apply to you commenting on it negatively is a waste of energy. You can still comment remove the toxic passion.

I want to make a few things clear for the sensitive single mothers who feel judged.

She said: I was agreeing with most of what you had to say until you decided to judge women who have small children with more than one baby daddy.

I don’t know why everyone wants everyone to agree with them like independently thinking is a death sentence. My immediate internal response to this was IDGAF….it’s so unimportant. It’s odd to me that when someone agrees they have nothing valuable to say to me but when they disagree they type a long ass dissertation explaining why. #2 I’ve never been the type of person to not judge. I try but it’s not natural. I’ve encouraged others to not judge. However most people who have been listening to me long enough know that when I say don’t judge what I mean is: Don’t misjudge. Don’t make poor judgment. We always judge. Everyone, including the person who sent me this email who was judging me because I judged someone else.

She said: News flash: it doesn’t matter if your kids are 18 years or 18 months apart! You’re still gonna be looked at as a woman with multiple baby daddies.

Who gives a fuck if people look at you or me as a woman with multiple baby daddies? I don’t. That’s not even my issue with women who have multiple baby daddies. Who cares what people think. You’d have to listen to the video to hear me talk about the age gap between my kids. My daughter is 19 and my son is 1. Inside of my video I said that it makes sense that I have two different baby daddies because of the huge gap in between relationships. Twenty years is a long time. That’s 2 damn decades. It’s like this person overlooked what my issue was with women with multiple baby daddies altogether.

She said: I’m not emailing you to attack you because that’s not what I do but your comments are turned off and it was disappointing to hear you appear to be talking down about and judging women.

Looks like an attack to me. If I wanted comments in reference to this video I would have left my comments on.

She said: No one should be expectedto take care of kids that aren’t theirs, however if a man gets involved with a woman who they already know has (a) kid(s) by other men, common sense is going to tell him to walk away from that situation before he makes his own kid with her…

Here’s where the deflection comes in and some single mothers expect everyone else to take responsibility for their actions but don’t require that they themselves display that same discipline. Pressure is put on men who aren’t careful about who they procreate with. Women should also have that same pressure put on them. Match that energy when you are speaking about this. Just like a man should have common sense, so should a woman. She should require that a birth control plan be in place. . If she already has multiple children with multiple fathers she should know better than to have another child by a different man. She should walk away from that situation before she makes another child with him.

She continued to say: …realize that at some point some of whatever money that’s coming in is going to go towards all the kids at some point (not all the time) and if the man wants his kid to have specific items then buy those items outright instead of handing over money.

NO NO NO…..Mothers please make your own money. Not all money coming into your household is for all of your children when you have multiple baby daddies. I’m sorry it just doesn’t work that way. Especially not to men. Single mothers have got to start considering where these men want their money to go to. If the fathers of your children put money in your hands for the children that you share please understand that he is trusting you to take care of his child financially. Key words: HIS CHILD. It’s not for your entire household. This is why men hate giving you money. You try to forcefully make him invest in things that he didn’t sign up for. Sometimes TIME doesn’t permit a man to go shopping and get his kids specific things. The meme I spoke about in the video was about a mother who wanted her children to experience life equally. No matter how hard we try as mothers we will never be able to equally be attentive to more than 2 children especially if they have different fathers.

Start thinking this through, ladies. If your child’s father Kevin goes shopping for his child Brandon and Brandon comes home with designer, name brand, EVERYTHING for school, your other children Marcus & Tony who are products of the deadbeat dads will feel even worse seeing Brandon have the finer things in life when they themselves don’t. So if you are truly trying to make all of your kids feel equal instead of spending all of the money on Brandon, spend half of it and save the rest for the future things that Brandon may need. You should already be making enough money to take care of Marcus & Tony so you shouldn’t need Kevin’s money to take care of them. Stop thinking emotionally and think logically. It is not Kevin’s responsibility to take care of Marcus & Tony. It is YOURS. You should already have money stashed away for them for school. If you are good with your finances you don’t need to take from Brandon to give to your other children. Don’t pretend like the day Kevin gave you money for Brandon that that was the very first day Marcus & Tony had deadbeat daddies. They were deadbeat daddies before the kids started school. You should be prepared for this. Even if Kevin didn’t give you money, you are their mother you should already be so used to taking care of them without the help of a man. This entire thing isn’t about a single mother taking care of kids equally. This is about a single mother being inconsiderate. This is one of the reasons why men are running away from marriage, fatherhood and all types of other things that we fuss at them about, thinking it’s justifiable.

Plot twist…..

Nina missed the entire reason why I was “judging” women in the video who have multiple baby daddies. It isn’t because they have multiple kids by multiple men. Yeah that’s ridiculous on so many levels but that’s not even my issue.

I responded to her email using ample amount of profanity. She probably thought I was mad. I think I was annoyed. LOLOL

I replied: It’s not about me judging a mother. I don’t give a fuck what men think about women with multiple kids. What I give a fuck about is a woman having multiple kids by niggas who don’t give a fuck about their kids. How the fuck does any woman have 2 deadbeat baby daddies or more? That says a lot about the mother. Why does she continue to chose men who would treat her or her kids that way?!? Period. It’s already bad that 1 is that way to 1 child but for all of your baby daddies to be deadbeats says something about your poor choices as a woman; not these men. Take your time with men. I have 1 deadbeat dad I’m not about to spread my legs wide for another one to come and abandon ANOTHER child. It took 20 years for God to bless me with my son after I had my daughter. It’s going to take another 20 for a man to convince me to even have unprotected sex with him. Bitches need to make these bums put on condoms instead of getting uncomfortable everytime someone calls them out on their bullshit. Choose and do better next time is my moto. Stop making the same poor choice over and over.

Vulgar right? I know. This is a serious issue and it frustrates me. I need to communicate better. Anyway! If you have any other comments pertaining to this matter let me know.

soncerae@gmail.com

When she said: If he’s making payments through the child support office I’m sure that if how the money is being used is in question, then he can request documentation/receipts/statements/proof on how the child support money is being spent. Worse come to worse, if he feels his child is not getting the financial support he provides or the care the child needs, then his next step should be trying to get primary custody. Once again, I’m not contacting you to attack you I’m just sharing my thoughts on your video. I watch your content fairly often because it’s good and will continue to do so.

I was like….so you want men to go the extra mile to do all of this but women can’t go the extra mile and be considerate so he won’t have to go through all of this?!?! Ladies, the drama has to stop somewhere. We are never going to get this coparenting thing under control if we don’t stop being selfish, inconsiderate, hard to communicate with and stubborn. Stop this please.

Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com for more tips on how to set yourself financially straight so you won’t NEED the child support checks.

Single Mothers NEED TO STOP doing THIS!!!

I was disgusted by some of the responses these inconsiderate women were making on a post I saw on Facebook. They were dead ass serious too not even putting themselves in a Father’s shoes. Single Mothers want all of this understanding from EVERYONE. All of this support. But when it comes time for them to show that same kindness they throw that Kumbaya shit out the window.

Who’s side are you on? Someone asked, posting this screenshot that they saw from @TheShadeRoom on Instagram.  I spoke more about it on my YouTube channel! Check it out!

Why I Am Happy My Son Has No Connection with His Biological Father

Yesterday I posted a blog called “Lies That Men Tell About Single Mothers” someone pretending to be a woman came into my comment section under a fake profile and said this,

“Everything you spoke on about you being happy your child’s Father is absentee is the biggest issue with single mother’s. Why does that make you so happy? He was good enough for you to share yourself with, but you’re so happy he’s not in your child’s life? You want to bring more respectable men into his life, but you didn’t respect yourself enough to not share yourself with whom you have lead readers to believe is irresponsible. Somehow you will have to hold on to being so happy your child’s father wasn’t in his life when your son is so sad that he doesn’t have a Father to do the things boys do with their Father’s. And no matter how many respectable men you put in his life he will always feel the pain of not having his God given Father. Will your so happiness be enough then? You also contradicted yourself by saying your child’s father put himself on child support. Sounds pretty responsible to me. This article is very self-serving but underneath the surface there is a woman that is perpetuating a vicious cycle of why black men are not having healthy relationships with their children.”

Instead of writing a blog about it I decided to do a podcast to answer this question. Instead of reading my response maybe listening will give more clarity. If you are unclear of the story in regards to my son’s father this may help you. https://www.spreaker.com/episode/18867592

Lies Men Tell About Black Single Mothers

There are several topics that are sensitive to single mothers of all colors and ages. Whether we have never been married, we are divorced or we are widowed, holidays can be very hard. Sometimes, because our children are with their Fathers. Court proceedings such as custody battles and/or child support that are stressful also can be overwhelming for single mothers. Some of us care about labels so when people classify our home as a broken one it can be annoying. As if patriarchy has an 100% success rate. If our child or children have extracurricular activities it can be overwhelming to have to handle it alone. Outside of that, society’s perception of single mothers is off the mark. The stigmas put on us are ridiculous. Most of us want to tell you all that we are being blamed for a much larger problem then most are being honest about. We aren’t even the catalyst for people’s shallow agendas. People only believe in statistics when it’s suitable for them or it fits some sort of weird point they are trying to prove. Here are some lies that I’ve heard about us that are so outlandish I can’t begin to describe my disgust with them.

Lie #1 Single Mothers create criminals. – I’ve seen it plenty of times on true crime docuseries. But guess what else I’ve seen. People commit crime who grew up with both of their parents in the household. Crime is usually about the lack of education, low income, drug, physical or sexual abuse, POVERTY. It is not about household structure. There are plenty of single mothers who have structure inside of their homes.

Lie #2 Single Mothers are on welfare. – Damn near everyone on social media had to beg me to file for WIC, Foodstamps and Child Support during my entire pregnancy. I was refusing to get it. I was sick and wasn’t working and still found a way to generate income. I ended up using WIC for about 3 months. I’m not on SECTION 8 or no kind of government assistance. My child support payments are low because of how much money I make. My son’s father gets away with paying chump change a month for a child he has never seen before. He asked to be on child support and DNA testing. So…here we are. I’m living in a half a million dollar home in California. I’m happy and living well. I run a well oiled Matriarch in an affluent neighborhood. We do NOT live in the inner city. I have a college degree. I have a job in IT and several business. It took me a year to get off the streets pregnant and homeless after my son’s father abandoned me. People keep thinking Single Mothers are weak or dumb when in actuality we are neither.

Lie #3 Black women can’t properly raise children by themselves. – What children need is an authority figure regardless to gender. It’s not about whether a woman is single or married. It’s about whether or not she can discipline a child. I took child development classes in High School and College. Even to this day I still make sure I read up on parenting just to make sure I’m doing the right thing for my children. As long as a child respects their parental influence they will turn out just fine. They need food, shelter, clothing, guidance, love and attention. As a well rounded adult, shaping a mind will most likely be easy for you regardless of your gender. I didn’t suddenly become incapable of being a parent simply because some man walked out my life. I’m glad he removed his toxicity from the situation. Lastly, you know who else are single mothers? Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian and Indian women. No one says these women can’t properly raise their children.

Lie #4 Single mothers are loose women. – I haven’t had sex since my first trimester of pregnancy. He’s 15 months old now. The last person I had sex with was his father. It takes 1 time to have sex to end up pregnant. You don’t have to have sex with a football team 20 times in one day in order to procreate. The short period of time I was exploring my sexuality in my early 30s I didn’t get pregnant. Partially because I’m one of those women that is all about birth control and STD prevention.

“Part of the lie is also that… we ended up pregnant because we weren’t thinking ahead, didn’t care about consequences, and just wanted to get laid, or worse, trap a man. Regardless of the reason for wanting to have intercourse, until further notice, the act requires two willing parties of the opposite sex to create a baby.”

-Ashly Simpo

What I’d like for people to realize is that there are plenty of reasons why Fathers are absentee. It isn’t always because some gold digger trapped him for a child support check, or that the now single mother was a side chick or mistress. It could be that the father is deceased, incarcerated, on active military duty, or the father may have a hefty work schedule. There are a so many reasons why women end up taking care of children alone even if they are MARRIED. The main reason why women are single mothers is not because of promiscuity. Whether we had sex with 1 man or 100 we are single mothers because the fathers are MIA. Stop letting these men off the hook by considering them collateral damage. They are not victims of some single mother’s plot to destroy.

Lie #5 Single Mothers are a societal mishap. Some of us made a choice not to have an abortion or put our babies up for adoption. Some of us adopted our kids or had IVF. We ALL had plenty of options outside of raising kids alone. But we CHOSE to push forward. That takes strength and isn’t something that needs to continuously be frowned upon. It takes bravery to do this. Some of us planned our families and life still hit us with a curveball. Just because we are raising kids alone doesn’t mean that we are bad at parenting or that society should continue to throw stones.

Lie #6 Fatherlessness leads to Youth Delinquency.

People need to have the same energy when they speak about divorce rate statistics when they talk about single mother statistics.

Claiming the absence of fathers causes lawlessness in Black youth is misleading when the available evidence is only a superficial connection. There are numerous events or statistics that happen to coincide with each other, but that doesn’t mean there’s a cause and effect relationship.

For example, swimming pool drownings and ice cream sales both increase in the summer, they share a relationship – that doesn’t mean eating ice cream leads to drowning! It just means two, independent events have a superficial connection based on other factors. In the case of drownings and ice cream, it’s the change in weather, a factor that greatly influences the cause and effect. – Sincere Kirabo

This narrative also reinforces negative frames of mind towards Black Women. Again if a child is taught discipline and respect they will turn out fine.

Lie #7 Black Women are the reason for social & economic failure within our community. So let’s just forget about racism and things associated with it that have stopped a lot of these men from succeeding? Why not factor in why Black Men are unemployed? Why they choose NOT to get formal education? Why do some Black Men prefer to invest in street pharmaceuticals instead of starting lucrative businesses? Parents can provide for their children to the best of their ability and children will still grow up and make decisions that parents did not raise them to make. Because the next generation grows up different from the last there are certain things parents will never be able to guide their children through. When my parents were growing up there was no such entity as the internet. Social media has damn near tore all kinds of friendships and relationships apart. I don’t believe anyone was prepared for that. Their are some grand parents out there who can’t even fathom the concept of UBER.

Lie #8 Single Mothers are desperate to find a man. Especially one with money. I believe because men are so superficial when they are choosing women that they can’t seem to grasp the concept of a woman being completely fine without them. Don’t be arrogant enough to believe that every single mother is on the prowl looking for you to come and assist her with her children. Most of us don’t even have time to date. Most of us take pride in raising our kids alone. A lot of us believe you’ll be more of a hindrance than anything.

Lie #9 We did it for the child support check. Haaaaaa! Unless the fathers of our children are celebrities or damn near millionaires our child support checks are chump change. My child support is $260 a month. I spend that in California in a day just by going to the grocery store, filling up my gas tank and paying my landscaper. The expenses of a child are so high I can’t begin to come up with an guestimate. The check is minuscule and not worth it. When some mothers found out I received $260 a month they told me I was lucky. It’s single mothers out there getting $50. All because they generate more income than the fathers of their children. Some mothers don’t even receive the full payment. I know in the state of California if a single mother has filed for child support and is on government assistance the state takes a large percentage of that child support to pay itself back for whatever monetary assistance it provided for the mother.

Lie #10 Single Mothers are miserable and hurt they were left to take care of their kids alone. I am so happy. I am so excited about not having to deal with men, especially the father of my child. I am glad he chose to be an absentee. He has absolutely NO SAY WHATSOEVER in how my son is raised. That in itself has me ecstatic. I get to raise my son my way and bring proper men into his life who are more respectful towards women, have better moral character, have much more to offer and can teach him how to be a good man. I AM SO HAPPY! Had my son’s father continued to show good moral character I most likely wouldn’t be a single mother. He made a poor choice by entering into a relationship he was not prepared to be in. He made plans with me in regards to marriage and building a legacy. He shouldn’t have put me in a position to believe he was ready to move forward. I wanted a baby for such a long time so my son finally being here is the best thing that’s happened to me. I am completely fine with his father excusing himself. He wasn’t the nicest man in the world during my pregnancy and his toxicity showed it’s face. I’d prefer he keeps his unhappiness far away from me and my son. Thanks for the sperm. Moving on.

Lie #11 Men are not the problem. Sorry to inform you but men who abandon their children are fucked up in the head. Broken men have an issue with fathering children.

Lie #12 Single Mothers still have feelings for their ABSENT DEADBEAT BABY DADDIES. It took me all of almost 2 years to get over being humiliated, betrayed, misused, misled and abandoned. One thing I didn’t do after he said he didn’t want our baby was beg him to come back. He chose other women over his son. It took me until my son’s first birthday to stop begging him to be a father. I never begged him to be back with me. I definitely begged him to be a father. What I currently feel about my son’s father is more of disgust and all things negative that I can only describe as hatred. Only for lack of a better term. One thing I can reassure everyone is that I do NOT love him. I do NOT miss him and I do NOT want him. I told him I never wanted to see him again the day he decided to leave and I haven’t seen him since. I thought about doing what was best for my son by asking his father to see him. I invited him to California for his birth. I offered to fly back to GA for our son’s first birthday so they could meet. His father showed his ass and declined. I guess he confused that concern for my son with me being interested in him romantically. I would never let that scum of the earth have a second chance with me. So why would I even allow him to be around my son? When I finally asked myself that question I begin to celebrate his absence. I moved 2,000 miles away from GA to CA during my pregnancy apparently I had no problem moving on.

I never thought I’d actually be a Single Mother but now that I am one it feels great. I thought it would be different. I realized that I am doing the same thing I would have been doing had my son’s father stayed around. I’d still be avoiding drama and living a positive life. The only difference is my son’s father isn’t around creating problems when he should be providing solutions. I’m glad he moved out the way so that a better man can come along.

Not all single mothers are ratchet and ghetto, broke and uneducated. Nor are they pining over their exs. A lot of us are living just fine. We have new men. We are in healthy relationships. We are married or remarried. Most of us grind harder than men. We are new age, we can provide for ourselves now. Don’t believe the negative hype surrounding you about single mothers. Most of it is created by people who can’t do self evaluation. Times have changed. The traditional beliefs in regards to single mothers are old and tired. Move along.

richsinglemomma.com

Celebrities and successful people who were raised by single mothers:

Usher

Justin Beiber

Mariah Carey

Michael Phelps

Alicia Keys

Jon Stewart

Christina Aguilera

Jay Z

Barack Obama

Angelina Jolie

Halle Berry

Jodie Foster

Demi Lovato

Ariana Grande

Selena Gomez

Leonardo DiCaprio

Adele

Kanye West

Eva Mendes

Eddie Murphy

Demi Moore

Keanu Reeves

Pierce Bronsan

Misogyny & Sexism on YouTube

Recently, I saw that Tommy Sotomayor and Minister Jap met up in Chicago. This happened days after Minister Jap took to YouTube claiming he was going to quit posting content. He was frustrated because his videos were being reported. Instead of quitting YouTube it would simply just make more sense to stop breaking YouTube’s community guidelines giving them reason to remove content. Or start a podcast elsewhere.

Youtube’s community guidelines are clear:

Don’t post videos that encourage others to do things that might cause them to get badly hurt. One of these men or both do that EVERYDAY. The men in their audience are taking this advice and screwing up their own lives. Abusing their women ending up in all kinds of domestic violent situations or worse IN JAIL.

YouTube is not for pornography or sexually explicit content. If this describes your video, even if it’s a video of yourself, don’t post it on YouTube. Jap’s always talking about hoes and fucking. Tommy is now supposedly streaming porn from his site….who knows if that’s true. Not my business. Tommy has talked about his sex life explicitly but so have I. Moving on.

YouTube doesn’t support content that promotes or condones violence against individuals or groups based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, gender, age, nationality, veteran status, or sexual orientation/gender identity, or whose primary purpose is inciting hatred on the basis of these core characteristics. Promoting and condoning violence on a specific gender and race of person is the basis of Tommy & Jap’s content.

It’s not ok to post abusive videos and comments on YouTube. If harassment crosses the line into a malicious attack it can be reported and may be removed. They both do this all day everyday.

Things like predatory behavior, stalking, threats, harassment, intimidation, invading privacy, revealing other people’s personal information, and inciting others to commit violent acts or to violate the Terms of Use. They have both done this, consistently. Sometimes to defend themselves but most times to be malicious.

Seeing them two meet ultimately made me react in a neutral kind of way. I believe it’s because I tend to mind my business. One thing I can say is that it didn’t surprise me. What they both represent is a disdain for women. Especially Black Women who do not conform to the traditional gender roles expected of them. So let’s say…..Soncerae. They have disdain for Soncerae. They have showed that for many years. Nothing wrong with opinions or objectification but to sprinkle disrespect, harassment and stalking on it gives a rhetoric an entirely different flavor. It’s funny how men on YouTube actually promote it as #UNITY. Like them 2 unifying is some type of remarkable historic event that should be wrote down as the equivalent to the civil rights movement. Listen, get these men to unify with WOMEN. Especially Black ones. Then I’ll be impressed. Men teaming up with other men is what usually happens. Getting injured Black Men to heal and garner healthy relationships with Black Women is the problem. To see both of these men settle down in a healthy marriage with a Black Woman would make me clutch my pearls.

During my first conversation with Minister Jap about collaborating almost 4 years ago he told me about how much of a Tommy Sotomayor fanatic he was. He loved Tommy Sotomayor. His dream was to meet Tommy. I said to him then,

“If you are trying to get Tommy’s attention all you have to do is beef with me. Tommy hates me for some reason.”

THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS. From then on Jap has had some imaginary problem with me. Before I interacted with either of them they used social media as a place to disrespect women and to rant about their issues pertaining to us. Instead of just praising the kind of women they enjoy and love. Both of these men had people believing that it was ME that did something to them to make them behave in such a way when really they were attacking women online long before either of them knew who I was.

Male dominance on YouTube produces a lot of hostile commentary targeted towards women. If a woman is honest about her sexually, thinks independently, supports feminism or womanism she is brutally chastised by Black Men. The double standards among women and men on #BlackYouTube are prominent. The mob mentality is supported. Gossip, rumors, debates, disrespect are all used as bonding tools for our audiences. A demented brotherhood designed to dismantle women is celebrated. I believe that most women who support feminism or female empowerment are only interested in positively encouraging women to evolve not to belittle men. However, the message among these men isn’t to empower each other but it is more about the degradation & abuse aimed at women of color. This “brotherhood” is ran by men like Tommy Sotomayor & Minister Jap. Men who have tumultuous relationships with their negligent mothers. Men who also have a history of disrespecting women they are romantically connected to. Whether it be a sister, aunt, cousin or friend at some point these men were treated poorly by a dominant female. Any woman who may share an insufficient similarity to (their poor choices in) women they begin attacking that woman’s entire existence.

Armed with immaturity, poor communication, sadism/sadomasicism, underdeveloped thought processes, lack of critical thinking skill, and PTSD they spread a narrative that women are the catalyst for all problems associated with the dysfunction of the Black Community. Instead of dealing with the trauma associated with the negative experiences brought on by women they may have trusted in their lives, they rather project hatred to any or all women. Instead of considering that how they have responded to women in their past may be cause for the negative outcome, both of these men have spent years on in projecting their hatred for women on women, ME specifically. I became a target for them both for various reasons. Instead of becoming better men themselves they try to bully or “tough love” a woman into changing. What a destructive way to take lead. Instead of building up women they try to break us down. Let Black women form an alliance similar to theirs they’d be ready to protest, stop female unity and create hashtags promoting justice for men. Let a woman behave in any way they do…they wouldn’t stop bitching and moaning.

Instead of being able to form healthy bonds with women they take pride in having solid bonds with other men. Which to me is a tinge of homosexual. However, still an acceptable preference. These men do not understand that just because you love one thing doesn’t mean that you have to hate another. I love ketchup on my french fries. That doesn’t mean I’ve relentlessly put together a smear campaign to destroy mustard and I will execute that plan until mustard is no longer being used on anyone’s sandwich. These men however have reached out to the fatherless, leaderless, lost and injured and recruited them to perpetuate this war on Black Women.

While displaying the following traits

  1. He will zero in on specific woman and choose her as his target.
  2. As time goes on, he begins to reveal a Jekyll & Hyde personality. He may change quickly from irresistible to rude, and from rude back to irresistible.
  3. He will make promises to women and often fail to keep them. With men, on the other hand, he will almost always keep his word.
  4. His behavior toward women in general is grandiose, cocky, controlling, and self-centered.
  5. He is extremely competitive, especially with women. If a woman does better than him socially or professionally, he feels terrible. If a man does better, he may have mixed feelings about it but he is able to look at the situation objectively.
  6. He will unknowingly treat women differently from men in workplace and social settings, allowing men various liberties for which he will criticize female colleagues or friends.
  7. He will be prepared (unconsciously) to use anything within his power to make women feel miserable. He may demand sex or withhold sex in his relationships, make jokes about women or put them down in public, “borrow” their ideas in professional contexts without giving them credit, or borrow money from them without paying them back. Chastise women for their sexuality whether they’ve slept with 1 man or 10 men. It doesn’t matter.
  8. Sexually, he likes to control women and gives little or no attention to their sexual pleasure. Foreplay, if it occurs at all, is only a necessary means to an end. He likes oral sex but only as a recipient. His favorite positions enable him to avoid looking the woman in her eyes.
  9. He will cheat on women he is dating or in a relationship with. Monogamy is the last thing he feels he owes a woman.

These types of men love to put women down only to make them feel good about themselves. To see these two men unify but can’t seem to smooth out any drama that they are the catalyst for with ANY woman says a lot about where they stand mentally. Men who all act tough, with false bravado, are always the ones that get knocked the fuck out with ease.

There are a lot of men who are looking for leaders, father figures, big brothers, uncles, and mentors. Men turn to men like these to teach them how to become alpha. The toxic masculinity displayed by both of these men is perceived as positive and indicative to the evolution of Manhood. Which is ultimately unfortunate.

I have never done anything to either of these men for them to have spoken so disrespectfully about me hundreds of times in public forums while encouraging men to also be as disrespectful towards me. They even lied and told people I was stalking them and wouldn’t leave them alone. After initiating conflict EVERYTIME. They told vicious lies about me & put a magnifying glass on my videos and what I’m saying as if it was about THEM. I made more content geared towards other topics that they conveniently overlooked. Tommy was heated when I interviewed his ex on my channel like he hadn’t interviewed Chris Law. I made her promise not to say anything disrespectful or hurtful. And she agreed and kept her word. But did Tommy do that for me? No. He had Chris Law all over his channel claiming he was my ex and talking about our sex life. Chris was so dumb disrespecting me and his marriage.

I no longer expect abusive men to hold punches, feel compassion or sympathy for women. They have verbally attacked me so much that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Minister Jap & Tommy Sotomayor have caused thousands of strange men to maliciously speak about me online. This has caused men to stalk and harass me in real life. These men have barked on me like I am a man. Men I have never met. They want to square up on a woman. Ofcourse I have expressed my opinion about these men. But why in response were they so defensive.

When we are defensive it is a sign of weakness; it shows we are not secure enough in ourselves to accept criticism or differences of opinions.

Encouraging men to be vitriol online is causing them to disconnect from women offline as well as abuse us. Egregiously sexist behavior is fostered by the “online disinhibition effect.” This effect includes the phenomenon where Internet users, operating under the protection of anonymity, may perform behaviors they ordinarily would not in either face-to-face scenarios or in virtual spaces where they are identifiable. Studies have shown links between anonymity and higher levels of online aggression and incivility. This creates an unconscious behavior that ultimately effects romantic relationships negatively in real life settings with women. Creating more of a problem that ultimately a man was attempting to solve by going to social media looking for resolutions.

There are plenty of men out there who are easily influenced. I didn’t realize I was dating one until Minister Jap got a mental hold on my son’s father.

When his words during our arguments started to sound like they were coming out of Jap’s mouth verbatim I knew Jap was talking to him. My son’s father was speaking to me in ways he had never spoke to me before. Calling me names he had never called me before. Yelling at me how Jap had online in the past. A month or so before his behavior changed drastically, Jap called me begging me to break up with my son’s father. I refused. What’s funny is Jap had this whole women empowerment speech. Like I had the vagina of wonder woman. He kept calling my son’s father “Dirty Dick Rodney.” He couldn’t persuade me so he went to my son’s father and the rest is history. Now Minister Jap can push the whole “single mom drag”. That’s all he seems to be good at. The rhetoric coming from Tommy & Japs mouth was she’s a side chick pregnant by a married man. My son’s father wasn’t married then and definitely isn’t now.

My son’s father is impressionable. He follows anyone and anybody. He doesn’t have a GED or College Education. I used to have to read to him and he doesn’t know basic math. Ofcourse he was an easy target. Most of the men in Minister Jap & Tommy’s audience are. Most men who are college educated and had a good male role model in their lives disagree with the narratives of these men. It’s ok to be impressionable if your attention is on a good influence. My son’s father was always looking for approval. He’d lie to get it because he wanted people to love him. He is an example of a man who does not know how to decipher the difference between a good influence and a bad one. His only goal was social acceptance.

These type of men on YouTube don’t want to coexist on YouTube or any other place with women. Like YouTube personally belongs to them. They have literally tried to run off every single woman with a voice on the site. They tried their hardest to run me off. It didn’t work. I’m still here. Still vocal. No matter how many names they call me. No matter how many times they attack me or try to put me down. No matter how many lies they tell or rumors they spread I’ll still express my opinions and stand up for whatever it is I believe in on whatever social media site I want to.

I have no personal vendettas against either of these men. I have moved on with my life. I am happy and very much living the life I wanted to live. I could have 1 subscriber on youtube or several hundred, it won’t matter at the end of the day. What these men choose does not make or break me. I do not digest what they eat. It’s not my business. If men are ok with allowing these type of men to lead them… fine. Just like it’s women out there who believe “Hot Girl Summer” is a women’s empowerment anthem. Whether I agree or disagree, I’m not going to spend the rest of the days of my life debating with abusive men. I just accept that they are abusive and stay away from them. Hope fully women will hear my stories and the stories of plenty others and stay away from men like this. And maybe injured men who are in need of guidance will find a better place to receive love and adoration. Instead of relying on the poisonous sources on social media. I wish both of these men the best. Finally, Jap’s dream came true. To meet Tommy Sotomayor.

10 Male Friends Who Have Given Me Hope As A Single Mother

I make so much content in regards to my son’s father that a lot of people assume I must hate men or that I do not have any male friends. Or they assume I don’t have friends in general. Foolish people make those types of horrible assumptions all of the time. I just try not to take it personal. I have to also factor in that I haven’t been very vocal about my private friendships with men because they are so sacred to me. I share 20% of my life online and the other 80% I tend to keep to myself.

Since I’ve become a single mother I’ve had some stand up guys be very supportive. They give me hope that things will work out with me and that my son and I will be fine. Some have even chipped in financially, morally and spiritually assisting me in taking care of my son. Oddly enough I did a podcast about it.

If you haven’t checked out The GodQueenLive Podcast please do by clicking here.

https://www.spreaker.com/episode/18846493

In this episode I talk in detail about the men who helped me with my son when they realized that my son’s father wasn’t standing up. Whether it was personally, professionally or financially. They all helped me not lose faith in Black Men or Black Fathers.

#1 Cam – Long time friend

#2 Michael – My son’s GodFather

#3 Ray – My son’s Godfather and longtime family friend

#4 Gerald – Business Partner & longtime friend

#5 Mark – YouTube Moderator/ Longtime friend, father & husband

#6 Mr Live – YouTube Moderator/ Friend, father & husband

#7 Gore – Longtime friend, Business Partner, single father

#8 Shawn – Long time Friend, single father

#9 Troy – Childhood friend, single father

#10 Carlton – Business Partner

Honorable Mention: My daughter’s father & my friend Pastor Robert Carpenter

They Won’t Ever Love Me, Everybody Hates & They Always Have

Why do people invest so much energy into hate? Why does something so negative bring such delight in some? Also, why does it take anonymity for people to express their hatred? To spend hours on end being irresponsible and refusing to take accountability for what you say online is so entertaining to some folks it shocks me. Especially in my own community of color. It’s always a battle of the wits but in a disturbing way. Who can throw the best insult wins, seemingly. What’s the prize? To be able to say you hurt someone, or that you made someone feel bad about themselves? Or when the lies you tell when spreading rumors break up friendships, relationships and even family, is that the prize? Why does that feel so good?

I don’t think there has ever been a day in my life where I wasn’t being spoken about behind my back. I learned early on that even people I loved would hurt me with opinionated words.

The first time I heard someone talk badly about me behind my back was during an argument my mother and stepfather were having. They were broken up and he hadnt seen me in a while. We went to visit him. I went to my old room to gather some things and I heard them downstairs arguing. He was telling her how different I was. He didnt like that my mother wasn’t as hard on me as he used to be. He was abusive both sexually and physically and obsessive compulsive. He was the disciplinarian. He no longer had control over me and I believed that that bothered him more than anything.

I started to cry. It hurt. Just to hear someone speak so badly about me to my own mother. I ended up catching three more people in my family do that. My grandmother, my aunt and my cousin whom people considered my sister. It wasn’t until later that it occured to me that people just weren’t going to like me.

In High School there were always rumors spread about me. I was an independent thinker. I did what I wanted to do. I wasn’t trying to fit in or be admired. I just wanted to escape all of the bad experiences that were consistenly happening to me at home and at school. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t steal. But I skipped school. I avoided conflict. I stayed to myself mostly. I wasn’t a girly girl. I was a tomboy, so my closest friend was always a boy. I took comfort in that closeness. Those platonic friendships were real and pure. The people that spreaded rumors about me the most were my cousin and two female friends I had my entire time in high school.

I started getting played by boys early. My first kiss was in middle school with a boy who bet his friends that I was crushin on him so hard that I’d let him kiss me. And I did. During my late teens I really didn’t care about boys. I wasn’t thinking about who my prom date would be or whether or not I’d get married. All I cared about was church and singing. If I ran into a boy I liked I’d encourage him to stick with me but if he didn’t I’d let it go.

It wasn’t until I met my daughter’s father that I wanted marriage. We had our daughter when I was 19. We were a lot more prepared for the unexpected new arrival because of a mutual respect and understanding for each other. He didn’t want to be in a relationship or married but we were still amazing co parents and are still friends.

Then my son’s father came after 3 broken arrangements and all kinds of abuse and poor relationship decisions. After being cheated on so much and a short period of me being a side chick in 2010 I decided I no longer wanted to do committed relationships. I was just going to try polyamory. Then 2018 came and I figured I’d try it one more time. I fell in love hard and fast. I put a lot of trust and understanding in a man that didn’t deserve it.

Our relationship was fun and loving when we weren’t arguing over his ex wife. Them two refused to discontinue being friends and I tried to cope with it. Besides after 14 years of marriage I wanted to respect whatever they salvaged after so much wasted time in an unhappy marriage. Then my son was conceived and the love of my life decided to change faces. He took his mask off. What a hideous sight to see….

I was 4 months pregnant we live together in an extended stay hotel. I slept in the back of his truck with him in the Walmart parking lot. We are looking for places to live. He left me alone twice for about a day or so. Came back….then wanted to leave again. He’s asking for space? I relax….give it to him this time. He leaves for a week. Doesn’t call the entire time. Then comes back on his own. Ends up leaving another time needing space. I let him leave again. He came back on his own. Suddenly he started talking about other women he wanted to sleep with and his ex. I was too busy thinking about building a stable home for our new arrival. I guess he assumed that I’d do the revolving door thing that his last life partner would allow but he was sadly mistaken. He left one morning called from work and told me that he didnt want our relationship or baby and he wanted to date his ex. This was on some “I just want to tell you how I feel” anecdote of his. So I took him literally and told him he could go. He didnt fight for his position in my life like I fought for our family. He wanted to leave.

He got mad when I told everyone he left. He found any enemy of mine he could find that would listen and tried to convince them I was the worse person in the world. After all of the kindness, love, pampering and catering I did. After the understanding and patience I displayed in our relationship he was telling people I was a side chick hoe that he didnt care about and our baby wasn’t his.

That made me feel an array of emotions that I sometimes wish I didn’t even bother entertaining. A lot of gossip and rumors started. A group of people formed an alliance. Their mission all day everyday was to tear me down. It was traitorous what he did but some people didn’t see it that way. Especially not those group of people. Not because what he did wasn’t bad but because they had disdain for me. I never understand the statement “If you hate me, you must hate yourself” until this time period of my life. People who had nothing but time to drap me down brought something valuable to my attention. The fact was….they had nothing. No talent. No soul. Not even a healthy heart. All they know is negativity. The only time they even felt relevant is when they spoke derogatory about me. I learned a great deal about hate. They don’t love me because they don’t love themselves. There is no bond stronger than two people that hate the same person. Often unable to build healthy friendships toxic people use gossip and hatred as a bonding tool.

You ever disliked some one? I have. I was absolutely certain I hated my son’s father. Then I realized there was no way I could possibly hate him because I have so much love for myself. I only used the term hate to describe how I feel because what I feel is negative but not something I can give an appropriate title to. I loved him so much so what I feel now after the betrayal is something I can only describe as a form of hate. But I can only describe it that way out of lack of better terminology. To go out of your way and waste your own time talking about someone you hate is insane. However we see people do it so often on social media that is has become the norm.

Why do we hate? And why, in particular, do we hate difference? Hate of a whole race of people; hate of a whole set of people of certain sexual orientations or gender identities; that kind of hate is projection. I’m insecure in myself, in my identification with my culture, in my sexual orientation, in my gender—so I project hatred onto you because I’m not real sure that if I don’t, I won’t hate myself.

So, here’s the thing about hate of difference: It says everything about the hater, and nothing about the hated.

Projection means that I’ve got some work to do on myself to become a whole person. Projection means that I’ve split myself off into compartments of consciousness and unconsciousness, so that I don’t know things that I don’t want to know about myself—and I project those things onto others for them to carry for me. Projection means that I need to become conscious of those things I’m repressing so that I can own them, and begin to cherish them as unique and meaningful aspects of a whole me.

Accountability….in the end it boiled down to people hate to self reflect or evaluate. They don’t enjoy taking accountability. That’s all hate is. Of course I don’t expect every to just be in love with me. But what I do realize about people who spend majority of their time criticizing me I’m giving them opportunity to let themselves off the hook. I am their distraction from their own internal issues. Instead of consistently fighting them.. I have sympathy for them and now I just don’t respond.

Now that I have a better understanding of people I don’t criticize their hatred towards me. All of the males who played me circle back later and apologized. It’s not people don’t love me it’s that some people have a hard time loving themselves. One problem….they see me love myself unconditionally and they envy that.

People who love themselves hate hating others. We hate not loving people. We hate drama, gossip and negativity. All we want to do is love. So many people do love me. Even if they didn’t I’d still be surrounded by love. I love myself.

%d bloggers like this: