I can’t stand when women complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don’t see them crying about it. I hate relationships. I’m never getting married and I will never commit to a man. The only reason the term ‘Ladies First’ was invented was for a guy to check out a woman’s ass. Dealing with Men romantically is too hard for me. When life could’ve been easy for me men have made it hard. Men used to be built different. They used to respect women. They used to want the best for us not just themselves. Or so I thought. They were extremely genuine. When I saw Derrick Jaxn for the first time I smiled, not because what he was saying in his YouTube video applied to me but, because I liked to see when men do something positive for themselves. At first, I didn’t even realize how attractive he is. I don’t think I paid it any attention initially. It was easy to over look. I’ve never been the kind of person to be attracted to men who were muscular or extremely attractive. My family always made fun of me for dating ugly men. It’s because I always checked for personality first. So nothing about his physical appearance moved me at all. It was what was coming out of his mouth that impressed me. He seemed so serious, he seemed so strong and certain about who he is as a man and why he wanted to be that. I didn’t even realize we had such a huge age difference until just the other day. It took 6 months of emails, DMs, TWEETS, etc (that he didn’t even see) just to get his attention. What ended up getting his attention was a video I made using clips from a video he had made and posted to his channel. My viewers were asking me to do a collaboration with him. They were consistent. Finally after months of contacting him, without receiving and answer, I decided I’d use his short clips and intertwine them with a couple of mine as we spoke about the same subject. My audience loved it. It took him months to finally come across it accidentally while he was looking at few negative videos that other YouTubers had created about him calling him a fraud, simp and whatever else they could find to insult him.
He replied to an email of a mass I sent out to all of my contacts. He showed interest in doing a video together. We set up a time to meet. I was surprised to hear that he was in Atlanta. It didn’t even occur to me to find out what city he was in. I haven’t done a lot of collaborations. I’ve only done 5 or 6 in the many years I’ve been on YouTube. Even the few attempts I tried recently didn’t work out. One I did recently with Minister Jap I purposely removed. He is obnoxious. Our video was successful and viewed by many but drama that followed required that I break all ties with him. Even with the success of that video he begin to drag me through the mud on social media after getting in touch with an ex of mine. (That’s an entirely different blog. ;() I was ready for the opportunity with Derrick though. I contacted him initially for reasons that had nothing to do with YouTube. As I think about it now I believe what I really needed him to do was to fall in love with me. No, not how you are thinking but, in a healthy mature kind of way. In a way that my well being actually mattered to him. I think I push myself into work to occupy my heart space. As I was looking at him working on himself I could relate and I immediately became intrigued by his work ethic. I remember writing notes on a paper of things that I wanted to say to him during our meeting. I just looked over the words just now:
The challenge I’m not easy
show you off
You lead. supporting role here.
open with you confidently….
be my rock, stability…my protection strong but warm hearted. I need your
Dominance Passion Loyalty
I require a lot from you asking for a lot
I have a glamorous, extravagant enthusiastic life I’m building over her.
but a fraction of my potential right now. I need you to fall in love with me
There is money out there to be made.
partner. Smarter, sharper, stronger. Educated Intelligent Entrepreneur…I can trust to make an executive decision in relation to my personal growth and professional development. Your project, I’m all yours.
I admire and respect you so much.
Your sarcasm impresses me.
You are clever.
I appreciate your genuine care for your supporters I share that same vigor. You are loved and supported by me. I made you the center of my world for the past 72 hrs.
Center of my world for the past 72 hours? 72 HOURS!? After we scheduled our meeting I spent the next 72 hours researching him. I can’t believe I spent that much time researching a man. I binge watched his videos, read his blogs, looked through his pictures, saw him on CNN, checked out his Facebook. That’s when I realized how attractive he was physically. Some pictures of him had me like, my goodness, how am I going to be able to work closely with a man who looks like that? I’m not going to be able to concentrate. Even my mom was surprised I found him attractive. She said to me, “I thought you hated men with muscles?” I do! I really do, usually! I believe that the reason I’m attracted to him has nothing to do with that. I think him being attractive physically is some sort of bonus or unnecessary luxury. She says to me clearly “Don’t mix business with pleasure.” I go, “WHO IS YOU TELLING?! Men are a distraction!” Who knew that the concept of me researching him for 72 hours would be the catalyst for us NOT working together.
I am a business woman, so before a meeting I take time out to learn about who I’m dealing with. I do not want to waste my time. I want to show respect to whom I’m meeting with by presenting them with facts about what I’ve already learned about who they are or what kind of business they do. My initial interest in Derrick had a lot to do with Merchandising and Branding. Which is something he seems to be pretty good at being as though his website http://shopderrickjaxn.com/ is doing so well. His YouTube channel is also doing well in relation to views and subscribers so I wanted to know how he managed to keep his channel flowing smoothly. He’s on his third published book and I wanted us to come together to put out my next 3 books “Unicorn Atlanta”, “What A Good Man Feels Like” & “Psycho Bitch”. These are all things I mentioned during our meeting that ended up being a Facebook Video chat, that was supposed to be a Skype call that was actually supposed to be in person at an Atlanta Restaurant. I’ll get to that madness mix up in a minute. From a distance, I noticed a difference in his business sense. Ergo, I treated him very different than I treated other men that I approached about working together. He was the first man that was in a better position than I am. The other men I tried working with were not.
Rewind to 24 hours before our Thursday meeting….I called my mom panicking. My palms were sweating. I was shaking. I didn’t feel right. I felt nauseous and fatigued but my heart was beating fast like a jolt of energy repeatedly pulsed through my body. I wasn’t ready. The energy wasn’t right. I felt empty, no relief, no freedom, no comfort. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body. That might have been a piece of what I was feeling. I was pushing against losing all control over a man, meanwhile rejecting the feeling of getting googly eyed and dreamy. I knew it was going to go wrong before it even happened. Something in my spirit told me something was wrong. At first I passed it off as fear. I have been in so many previous situations with men that ended up them using me for my money or resources or using social media as a way to drag me through the mud. In a fragile state, I texted Derrick and expressed to him how nervous I was. I left out the part that I knew somehow either I was going to fuck up the situation or he was going to find a way to fuck it up himself. It was more than YouTube. He sort of calmed me down to some degree. He kept a positive mind and encouraged me to do so. I needed him to help with personal development. That type of attitude is exactly what I needed. That’s what made me contact him to begin with. Our age difference has us thinking on two very different levels but he never came off to me as someone immature. I felt like I needed his stability and his strength. It surprised my mother because she never heard me say not EVER that I “needed” a man. It was the first time I felt like that. Of course I’ve always been attracted to men but for the past year I have NOT been impressed by any man after corresponding with him no matter how attractive he was or how intellectual or intelligent he appeared to be. With the exception of “Daddio” whom I was in a polyamorous relationship with from March – late July.
After our text exchange, I still wasn’t feeling right. I closed my eyes and did meditation. No use! I took a warm bubble bath, I couldn’t relax. I felt so much anxiety and my mind was racing and in so many different directions. I had to masturbate in the tub just to feel some sort of temporary relief. I was so uptight. I even asked my mother what could I do outside of having sex, taking a drink or drug in order to relax my nerves. She suggested I watch Joel Olsteen. Just like a Christian to suggest Jesus to a Buddhist. 😉 I stepped out for a while to get fresh air. Around 9pm that night I went to a friend girl’s house. For 30 minutes I had finally found complete silence. I fell asleep for 30 minutes. I hadn’t slept since the night before he contacted me ready to meet. In my sleep I hear someone calling my name. I open my eyes and I hear my friend saying to me, “SOMEONE WAS OUTSIDE TAKING YOUR CAR!” I get up and run outside without any shoes…. MY CAR WAS GONE! The first thing I did was check the time. It was after 10:00pm so I couldn’t call Wells Fargo Dealer Services to figure out where the eff my car was. So the next person I thought of was Derrick. I was like got dammit I’m supposed to meet him tomorrow. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? So without hesitation I hit him up next. I know for me, I hate when someone wastes my time so I didn’t want to waste his. He came up with the idea to Skype. He was so understanding and patient I was happy about that. So happy I forgot that it was after bootie call hours and out of habit I sent him heart emojis after a text message. Immediately, I couldn’t believe I did it. I was stuck…. like WTF is wrong with me?!? I’m supposed to be handling business with this man and I just sent him heart emojis in the middle of the night! I’m starting to completely freak out via text apologizing and he really has NO IDEA why. Earlier in the tub I’m getting my masturbation on, I had to stop 10 or 11 times because when the feeling got good enough for me to experience an orgasm this damn picture of him without a shirt that had my imagination going about what his “package” looks like underneath his sweats, kept popping up in my mind. I had already made up in my mind that I didn’t want to look at him in that way so why wasn’t the rest of my body making its rounds?! What would usually take me 2 or 3 minutes to do became a 35-40 masturbation session, simply because I didn’t want Derrick Jaxn’s face to be connected to my orgasm. I’m a professional woman. I was certain I was going to stick his ass in the friend zone regardless to if he was interested in me romantically or not. I told my last guy as we spoke about Derrick that Derrick is the marrying type and I’d have to really straighten up if he wanted me because for real he’s not the type of man who would accept me as I am. He’d want me to be the virgin like angelic being I used to try to be when I was ministering. The ‘good girl’ that all of the men took for granted. I’ll never be that girl again. I don’t want to be that girl, aiming for perfection meanwhile my Boyfriend, Husband or Fiancee can frolic around with loose women. I refuse to be in a committed relationship or marriage. The idea of me even entertaining it is ridiculous. Now, I’ve worked with plenty of men and it’s always been easy for me to tell a man no, any man regardless of color, social status, financial status or physical appearance. So how come this time around all I kept thinking was YES? It didn’t occur to me until after our meeting why everything in me was saying YES. And don’t judge me on the masturbation thing at least I was having sex with the person I love. 😉
During our meeting I could tell he had no interest in working with me WHATSOEVER. I think we veered off the topic of business and on to personal instead 3 or 4 times too many. He was asking me personal questions. I stayed away from the personal questions. But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to know. I really had to hurt myself to not get that personal and start asking him questions about what he does when he isn’t working. I’m doing everything but be “THIRSTY”. But he didn’t want to work with me. If he did end up working with me on a YouTube collaboration it would be out of the kindness of his heart. He made it apparent to me 5 too many times that he didn’t see any benefit so if we were going to work together I’d have to send him some AWESOME video ideas that would blow him away. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. He just wanted it to be put on my channel and not his, which TO ME was not beneficial to me. So to play fair I came up with two ideas, 1 for a 3-5 min video for his channel and another 5-10 min video for mine. But before I could get the script emailed to him I sent him a couple of videos via text to watch upon request. Now this is where the problem came in. Remember the whole 72 hours thing? Yeah THAT! I didn’t have to bother doing that because he spent a great deal of our conversation arrogantly speaking about how successful he is. Or maybe he thought he was being confident. I’m not sure yet. I had spent all of that time watching as many videos of his that I could and in return he had barely GOOGLED me. He mentioned my modeling pictures just like a typical guy would. But he made it clear to me that he never checked out a video of mine outside of the video I made using his clips. To me that was a little unprofessional. I was like damn you clearly never valued this meeting to begin with. You didn’t even bother to respect a prospect. I couldn’t believe that a man who considered himself CEO of a company didn’t even bother to have any preparation techniques before business meetings. He’s probably done more research on a chick he was fixin to dick down than he did on me. Damn that spoke to me in volumes. I was not valued AT ALL not even as a business prospect. So I mentioned it to him as a response to him OVER EXPLAINING to me how he needed the videos to be good and he couldn’t guarantee he’d put it on his channel. And in return I had to OVER EXPLAIN TO HIM that I understand the concept of good content and I would make sure our collaboration was a lot better than his last one that he did with another Youtuber by the name of Olivia Alexa called “10 Commandments of Modern Day Relationships” I had to research this video on my own because he couldn’t remember what her name was. I didn’t want our interaction to be that forgettable. This video was on her channel not his. I was not interested in the one-sidedness so I gave him the opportunity to tell me if he felt like it wasn’t beneficial and that we could just scrap the collaboration altogether if it was that serious.
After too many times of expressing himself in all ways that did NOT include him flat out saying he wasn’t interested, after his assumption that I had some sort of “negative feelings” in relation to him telling me to come up with some suggestions, after I told him several times like a broken record “I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND…where you coming from, let’s get it…” I peeped his hesitation and I just flat out told him that I thought it was LAZY that he didn’t do research on me. I had a smirk on my face when I sent the text because I thought it was funny that he wanted me to put in all of this hard work to make sure our content was grade A top choice material but he didn’t even spend a solid 30 minutes on reading up who I am. I tried to tell him who I am I even included the bad stuff. I was honest. If you can’t say something nice, say it to Derrick Jaxn… he’s not listening anyway unless it’s a direct insult to him. He put in little to NO energy into this. The word LAZY, That’s what did it….that was his button. That was his soft spot, that’s how I gut punched his ego and caused him to retreat. In the words spoke verbatim by Derrick Jaxn ”“ My immediate thought and text response was “Damn, it was that easy huh?” So easy to walk away? You would think I called his momma a hoe or something by the way he acted. I even apologized and told him that I didn’t mean to offend him or hurt him. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship or friendship of any kind “I apologize” and “You are right.”
It’s been 24 hours since and I’ve had some times to think about it. So this time around, why is it that all of my body kept saying YES? I had no intention of falling in love but I wanted him to fall in love with me. Strange right? But then again TO ME Love is telling someone to go to hell and then worrying about whether or not they get there safely. In the back of every woman’s mind all women want a good man, all women want a prince charming to sweep them off their feet, all women want to be held and accepted. Even if he and I never had anything personal I still wanted to know for sure that he was a Good Man. I wanted to be able to say that I work with a Good Man. I wanted to be able to say I have a decent friendship with a Good Man. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. Turns out my car got repossessed. Yes, me not making payments. I’ve been making all kind of crucial changes in my life that have made me lose money rather than gain it. But it’s just a storm I’ll get past it. I’m living in a luxury home…..doing the most….
Could I have fell in love with this man? Possibly, I’m sure many woman could. We come to love not by finding a perfect person… but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Could I have had a good time with him or built something worth it? Yes. From a distance he looks perfect but up close he looks….heartbroken. But then again I can’t tell who he is by only 1 conversation and I do not know enough about him to make sound judgment.
So now….after that…..I’m questioning is he even one of the good ones at all. I’m relieved it fucked up because I don’t like how I feel when I have interest in a man in that way. It feels horrifying. I won’t ever know who he is really. SO I’m glad he walked away. For me it was about business and will always be about business. So if he felt as if professionally I wasn’t worth working with I respect that and wish him the best.