I Am Not Ready, I Am So Afraid

I’m already a mother. My daughter will be 18 this year. She has an awesome father. He is an amazing man and a wonderful provider. Of course we’ve had our differences just like any other former couple but we have always remained good friends. Yes just friends. In the 20 years I’ve known him we have been really cool. We’ve been platonic friends since our daughter Dominique was born. Because I’m not the type to go back to exs we just never circled back. I think getting back with an ex is like taking a good shower and then putting your dirty draws back on. What’s the point of moving backwards when improvement is ahead of you? I’m not the type to pine over an ex. Once I move forward we are done. Especially if you were the catalyst for any melodrama.

When is it going to occur to people that you can hurt someone else when you simply change your mind? When you abruptly change your mind about something do you factor in who you might be hurting? If you happen to be confused about your life or have some unfinished business do you stop and think for two minutes that you may be causing the people around you harm?  You may cause them so much hurt and pain that their lives might not ever be repaired because of your inadvertent maleficence? Most people don’t care about how they effect random strangers in traffic or at the store or during a basketball game. Some people don’t even know how to say excuse me if they accidentally bump into someone. But when you get in a committed relationship with someone or even start a friendship that may mean something to you, you tend to be very selective about your behavior and decisions. IF you are a responsible adult. Or am I just speaking for myself? Nothing in me said that I should hurt the last person I was in a relationship with with malicious behavior. I wanted to be the best version of myself for him. I felt like he deserved it. How foolish of me. I gave my all. Before he came, I didn’t want to be in monogamous relationships. I was convinced that they never worked out. I always felt like someone was always going to get hurt or lied to, cheated on or mistreated. So I avoided relationships for 10 years. Somehow I managed to stay polyamorous and out of expecting men to do something other than BE MEN.

I’m 8 months pregnant now and terrified. I’m not ready to be a single mother. I never would’ve asked for this. I had plans. Plans to be an awesome wife to the man I loved. An exceptional mother to our son and an even better business woman who focused on financial stability. But when I got pregnant it seemed like the wrong time to me yet the right time to God. So I didn’t question it. It felt too soon. Not forced but very unexpected. I just kept a positive mind. I wasn’t ready just yet. Priest and I hadn’t found a decent place to live yet. He had lose ends he needed to tie up in his own life that had nothing to do with me. It was just the beginning of our relationship and I wasn’t even thinking about pregnancy even being an option. It just happened. Like literally, like one day we were joking about having baby cubs then the next minute I was actually pregnant. All of those years I had tried to get pregnant and couldn’t. All of those miscarriages I had and the unwanted medical abortions I was for certain that God was never going to bless me with pregnancy so easy. The years I had been single and poly I had always protected myself. My polyamorous partner and I were together 4 years and never even had a pregnancy scare. We stayed using protection. It was like second nature. Then I met Priest. And no matter how uncomfortable I was with sex initially and even through the duration of our relationship I always thought he’d be around regardless to our issues in the bedroom. I never thought there would be a day that I wouldn’t see him. Our relationship wasn’t based on sex. It was based on love, friendship and spirituality. I thought he’d be around me forever and we’d grow old together and tell our grandkids crazy stories about places we traveled to.  I never been so sure that a man loved me in the many years I’ve been living. I had never been so certain. I was so sure. But I was SO wrong. He didn’t love me AT ALL and I didn’t find out until it was too late.

When I realized he didn’t love me I thought about abortion. Why did it take me being pregnant for him to realize he didnt love me?  I talked to his ex wife about the abortions….well….not so ex wife now. I thought about adoption because of her. I thought how could I raise a son when I’m so broken up by his father? He’s telling me he doesn’t love me and wants to get back with his ex wife. Like how will I be able to be a good mother after all of this? His father left me in a cheap extended stay hotel alone with no money or car. I was sick, vomiting and bleeding. I could barely stand most days. I even tried to hide how sick I was sometimes so he wouldn’t consider me weak. But he hated me anyway. I’ve never seen someone be so cruel to someone sick before until I saw how cruel he was to me before he left. I finally told him it’s ok for him to leave. He had tried to leave 2  or 3 times before and I begged him to stay. I was trying to fight for my family. I wanted my husband and my son. That’s all I kept thinking about. It’s all I kept praying about. Please God let me keep my husband and my son. I thought I was going to miscarry. I thought about suicide. I thought about EVERYTHING. I imagined our life together and how perfect it could be. I imagined our life apart and how I’d be the broken baby momma chasing him around while he juggles other women. I thought about money, my career, my life changing and I was so scared and so unprepared. But I have a backbone. And when he left I had to lean on whatever or whoever I could to help me stand up tall no matter how weak I felt at the moment. What upsets me is….he left out of fear and not being ready but instead of using time properly to prepare and gather courage he wasted time. My time. His son’s time. He ran. He ran off. My King, my heartbeat, the man I was closest to ran and left me there with a baby I have to take care of alone. It hurts me EVERYDAY. Every minute I feel my son move. Everytime I hear his heartbeat, sometimes I cry so hard. Not because I’m depressed. I’m just disappointed. I’m hurt beyond repair. I just can’t understand why a man would just leave his son.

People tend to think because a baby isn’t born yet it must not be alive. He’s here and almost killed me. I’ve been on bedrest my entire pregnancy. I’m 8 months pregnant now and I can barely walk across the room without feeling like I’m about to drop. I’m even scared I’m not going to make it out of the labor and delivery room. Like there will be some type of complication and I won’t survive. So many things orbit in my mind about why things have happened how they have. But no matter how afraid I am how unprepared I am….I won’t run. Not privately. Not publicly. I stand here and just do it alone. Justice’s father….the man I love left us behind over foolishness. Something I will never understand. He and I will never be friends. I will never fully trust him. Something legally needs to happen to protect my son. Whether Priest signs his parental rights away for good or I file for child support and use those payments to put in a trust fund for Justice. Something needs to happen and I guess I’ll rely on God to determine that as well.

I never wanted things to be this way and for a long time I was having a hard time with meditation and prayer. I questioned God and how could I be put in such a situation like this one? I’ve been honest. I’ve been real. Did I really deserve to be treated so poorly by someone I loved so much? And why am I internalizing Priest’s mistakes and misconception of the world? I really had some things to think about. Amongst all of that thinking I had to make a conscious decision to believe in myself as a mother, a human being, a provider, a teacher, an extension of God. I had to remember that everything always works out for me. I wasn’t the one who was trying to find myself. I know me. Priest was the lost one. He was lost from the very beginning. Being the kind of woman I am to where I see good in everyone there was no way I would have been able to see anything negative in him. I brought out the best in him so that’s all I was supposed to see. I have the best part of Priest with me everyday and that’s Justice. That’s the best gift Priest could have ever given me.

I would have forgiven him. With time…but now…. it’s too late.

Beware of those who put on a facade online. People who publicly tell people that YOU are their problem. When in fact THEY are their own problem. As a woman we tend to put a lot of faith in the men we love. We put our lives in the hands of people we consider strong. When it’s time to be honest….sometimes people don’t display that same level of strength. This text message was sent to me in October 2017. After I was almost 2 months pregnant. Had this man been honest about not being ready for commitment EARLIER things would not have escalated to the degree they have. Ladies and Gentlemen please communicate effectively and honestly with each other. Almost 6 months into a committed relationship you decide to tell the woman who loves you, lives with you, depending on you to be an awesome future husband and father that you aren’t ready????? A day late and a dollar short??? Then after she accepts that and suggests that the least we can do is be friends and co-parent you leave become unreachable and unwilling to communicate via text or phone. Like there isn’t a baby on the way. Abandoning me while I was sick and at my lowest point in my life during the first trimester of my pregnancy? I accepted you for who you were flaws and all. Yet to add insult to injury instead of publicly admitting that it was YOU who wasn’t ready you instead try to convince all of social media. my friends, my family, my supporters, after you have already embarrassed me and ruined my life, that I, the mother of your son, your first child, am the worse woman you have ever been with. You tell the world our son isn’t yours and that I was just a side chick that you never loved and you are this devoted committed married man who was forced into a relationship with me you didn’t want to be in? Your mother reassured me that you were someone I could trust and that I don’t have to worry about your exs. Your “wife” whom I thought was an EX befriends me reassuring me that I can trust you, contacting me repeatedly giving me so much support and understanding. Pretending she’s happy about us having a baby…to only…. finally… months later display her level of jealously in regards to my pregnancy. She was surprised that after 14 years of marriage she never gave you children meanwhile having 4 of her own. And after 6 months of you being with me I’m by the grace of God PREGNANT. Do you know how many men want to be in your shoes and would love to have been the father of my children? Then this “wife” of yours maliciously gets on to social media with YOU claiming you two are back together and makes people believe I tried to steal her “husband” from her? Why not just tell social media you wasn’t ready to be a husband to me and a father to our son let alone be a boyfriend and the woman that you cared about that you knew loved you was pregnant and you are afraid? Why not tell the truth? That you thought I was a wonderful woman. I was a good friend. I was loyal. I was open minded and would have never left your side. That’s what would have made you a man. All would’ve been forgiven if you would’ve just told the truth. You have people sending me hate mail, rude comments and making fun of our son….like I was some desperate woman who was begging a man to leave his wife when that was never the case at all. I will never forgive you for that no matter how many fake apologies you’ve given me. That hurt me permanently. You better hope your son doesn’t resent you. I will not be the one to tell him this story. He’s going to find out the truth about you all on his own.

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