There are several topics that are sensitive to single mothers of all colors and ages. Whether we have never been married, we are divorced or we are widowed, holidays can be very hard. Sometimes, because our children are with their Fathers. Court proceedings such as custody battles and/or child support that are stressful also can be overwhelming for single mothers. Some of us care about labels so when people classify our home as a broken one it can be annoying. As if patriarchy has an 100% success rate. If our child or children have extracurricular activities it can be overwhelming to have to handle it alone. Outside of that, society’s perception of single mothers is off the mark. The stigmas put on us are ridiculous. Most of us want to tell you all that we are being blamed for a much larger problem then most are being honest about. We aren’t even the catalyst for people’s shallow agendas. People only believe in statistics when it’s suitable for them or it fits some sort of weird point they are trying to prove. Here are some lies that I’ve heard about us that are so outlandish I can’t begin to describe my disgust with them.
Lie #1 Single Mothers create criminals. – I’ve seen it plenty of times on true crime docuseries. But guess what else I’ve seen. People commit crime who grew up with both of their parents in the household. Crime is usually about the lack of education, low income, drug, physical or sexual abuse, POVERTY. It is not about household structure. There are plenty of single mothers who have structure inside of their homes.
Lie #2 Single Mothers are on welfare. – Damn near everyone on social media had to beg me to file for WIC, Foodstamps and Child Support during my entire pregnancy. I was refusing to get it. I was sick and wasn’t working and still found a way to generate income. I ended up using WIC for about 3 months. I’m not on SECTION 8 or no kind of government assistance. My child support payments are low because of how much money I make. My son’s father gets away with paying chump change a month for a child he has never seen before. He asked to be on child support and DNA testing. So…here we are. I’m living in a half a million dollar home in California. I’m happy and living well. I run a well oiled Matriarch in an affluent neighborhood. We do NOT live in the inner city. I have a college degree. I have a job in IT and several business. It took me a year to get off the streets pregnant and homeless after my son’s father abandoned me. People keep thinking Single Mothers are weak or dumb when in actuality we are neither.
Lie #3 Black women can’t properly raise children by themselves. – What children need is an authority figure regardless to gender. It’s not about whether a woman is single or married. It’s about whether or not she can discipline a child. I took child development classes in High School and College. Even to this day I still make sure I read up on parenting just to make sure I’m doing the right thing for my children. As long as a child respects their parental influence they will turn out just fine. They need food, shelter, clothing, guidance, love and attention. As a well rounded adult, shaping a mind will most likely be easy for you regardless of your gender. I didn’t suddenly become incapable of being a parent simply because some man walked out my life. I’m glad he removed his toxicity from the situation. Lastly, you know who else are single mothers? Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian and Indian women. No one says these women can’t properly raise their children.
Lie #4 Single mothers are loose women. – I haven’t had sex since my first trimester of pregnancy. He’s 15 months old now. The last person I had sex with was his father. It takes 1 time to have sex to end up pregnant. You don’t have to have sex with a football team 20 times in one day in order to procreate. The short period of time I was exploring my sexuality in my early 30s I didn’t get pregnant. Partially because I’m one of those women that is all about birth control and STD prevention.
“Part of the lie is also that… we ended up pregnant because we weren’t thinking ahead, didn’t care about consequences, and just wanted to get laid, or worse, trap a man. Regardless of the reason for wanting to have intercourse, until further notice, the act requires two willing parties of the opposite sex to create a baby.”
What I’d like for people to realize is that there are plenty of reasons why Fathers are absentee. It isn’t always because some gold digger trapped him for a child support check, or that the now single mother was a side chick or mistress. It could be that the father is deceased, incarcerated, on active military duty, or the father may have a hefty work schedule. There are a so many reasons why women end up taking care of children alone even if they are MARRIED. The main reason why women are single mothers is not because of promiscuity. Whether we had sex with 1 man or 100 we are single mothers because the fathers are MIA. Stop letting these men off the hook by considering them collateral damage. They are not victims of some single mother’s plot to destroy.
Lie #5 Single Mothers are a societal mishap. Some of us made a choice not to have an abortion or put our babies up for adoption. Some of us adopted our kids or had IVF. We ALL had plenty of options outside of raising kids alone. But we CHOSE to push forward. That takes strength and isn’t something that needs to continuously be frowned upon. It takes bravery to do this. Some of us planned our families and life still hit us with a curveball. Just because we are raising kids alone doesn’t mean that we are bad at parenting or that society should continue to throw stones.
Lie #6 Fatherlessness leads to Youth Delinquency.
People need to have the same energy when they speak about divorce rate statistics when they talk about single mother statistics.
Claiming the absence of fathers causes lawlessness in Black youth is misleading when the available evidence is only a superficial connection. There are numerous events or statistics that happen to coincide with each other, but that doesn’t mean there’s a cause and effect relationship.
For example, swimming pool drownings and ice cream sales both increase in the summer, they share a relationship – that doesn’t mean eating ice cream leads to drowning! It just means two, independent events have a superficial connection based on other factors. In the case of drownings and ice cream, it’s the change in weather, a factor that greatly influences the cause and effect. – Sincere Kirabo
This narrative also reinforces negative frames of mind towards Black Women. Again if a child is taught discipline and respect they will turn out fine.
Lie #7 Black Women are the reason for social & economic failure within our community. So let’s just forget about racism and things associated with it that have stopped a lot of these men from succeeding? Why not factor in why Black Men are unemployed? Why they choose NOT to get formal education? Why do some Black Men prefer to invest in street pharmaceuticals instead of starting lucrative businesses? Parents can provide for their children to the best of their ability and children will still grow up and make decisions that parents did not raise them to make. Because the next generation grows up different from the last there are certain things parents will never be able to guide their children through. When my parents were growing up there was no such entity as the internet. Social media has damn near tore all kinds of friendships and relationships apart. I don’t believe anyone was prepared for that. Their are some grand parents out there who can’t even fathom the concept of UBER.
Lie #8 Single Mothers are desperate to find a man. Especially one with money. I believe because men are so superficial when they are choosing women that they can’t seem to grasp the concept of a woman being completely fine without them. Don’t be arrogant enough to believe that every single mother is on the prowl looking for you to come and assist her with her children. Most of us don’t even have time to date. Most of us take pride in raising our kids alone. A lot of us believe you’ll be more of a hindrance than anything.
Lie #9 We did it for the child support check. Haaaaaa! Unless the fathers of our children are celebrities or damn near millionaires our child support checks are chump change. My child support is $260 a month. I spend that in California in a day just by going to the grocery store, filling up my gas tank and paying my landscaper. The expenses of a child are so high I can’t begin to come up with an guestimate. The check is minuscule and not worth it. When some mothers found out I received $260 a month they told me I was lucky. It’s single mothers out there getting $50. All because they generate more income than the fathers of their children. Some mothers don’t even receive the full payment. I know in the state of California if a single mother has filed for child support and is on government assistance the state takes a large percentage of that child support to pay itself back for whatever monetary assistance it provided for the mother.
Lie #10 Single Mothers are miserable and hurt they were left to take care of their kids alone. I am so happy. I am so excited about not having to deal with men, especially the father of my child. I am glad he chose to be an absentee. He has absolutely NO SAY WHATSOEVER in how my son is raised. That in itself has me ecstatic. I get to raise my son my way and bring proper men into his life who are more respectful towards women, have better moral character, have much more to offer and can teach him how to be a good man. I AM SO HAPPY! Had my son’s father continued to show good moral character I most likely wouldn’t be a single mother. He made a poor choice by entering into a relationship he was not prepared to be in. He made plans with me in regards to marriage and building a legacy. He shouldn’t have put me in a position to believe he was ready to move forward. I wanted a baby for such a long time so my son finally being here is the best thing that’s happened to me. I am completely fine with his father excusing himself. He wasn’t the nicest man in the world during my pregnancy and his toxicity showed it’s face. I’d prefer he keeps his unhappiness far away from me and my son. Thanks for the sperm. Moving on.
Lie #11 Men are not the problem. Sorry to inform you but men who abandon their children are fucked up in the head. Broken men have an issue with fathering children.
Lie #12 Single Mothers still have feelings for their ABSENT DEADBEAT BABY DADDIES. It took me all of almost 2 years to get over being humiliated, betrayed, misused, misled and abandoned. One thing I didn’t do after he said he didn’t want our baby was beg him to come back. He chose other women over his son. It took me until my son’s first birthday to stop begging him to be a father. I never begged him to be back with me. I definitely begged him to be a father. What I currently feel about my son’s father is more of disgust and all things negative that I can only describe as hatred. Only for lack of a better term. One thing I can reassure everyone is that I do NOT love him. I do NOT miss him and I do NOT want him. I told him I never wanted to see him again the day he decided to leave and I haven’t seen him since. I thought about doing what was best for my son by asking his father to see him. I invited him to California for his birth. I offered to fly back to GA for our son’s first birthday so they could meet. His father showed his ass and declined. I guess he confused that concern for my son with me being interested in him romantically. I would never let that scum of the earth have a second chance with me. So why would I even allow him to be around my son? When I finally asked myself that question I begin to celebrate his absence. I moved 2,000 miles away from GA to CA during my pregnancy apparently I had no problem moving on.
I never thought I’d actually be a Single Mother but now that I am one it feels great. I thought it would be different. I realized that I am doing the same thing I would have been doing had my son’s father stayed around. I’d still be avoiding drama and living a positive life. The only difference is my son’s father isn’t around creating problems when he should be providing solutions. I’m glad he moved out the way so that a better man can come along.
Not all single mothers are ratchet and ghetto, broke and uneducated. Nor are they pining over their exs. A lot of us are living just fine. We have new men. We are in healthy relationships. We are married or remarried. Most of us grind harder than men. We are new age, we can provide for ourselves now. Don’t believe the negative hype surrounding you about single mothers. Most of it is created by people who can’t do self evaluation. Times have changed. The traditional beliefs in regards to single mothers are old and tired. Move along.
Celebrities and successful people who were raised by single mothers: