I Wished He Loved Me Like I Love Me

Negativity tends to linger. It’s like a bad fungus. It’s cancerous. Some people dwell on something negative for a long time even if something positive is equal or more present. Because men process negativity differently from women I believe that most of the rumors spread about me come from men externalizing a sense of sadness they felt after I rejected them. I don’t have issues with a lot of men on social media. Especially not on YouTube. I’ve done dozens of collaborations, livestreams and commentary with and for men. Originally my content online was designed for men. With time I noticed that men who had an emotional attachment to me or some sort of attraction to me began using the internet or the power of the tongue to lash out and release frustration.

Keep in mind that I NEVER initiated any type of drama with ANY man on or offline. Cause and effect is real. For every action is a reaction. So when we began to analyze where most of my troubles online originate from the path is clear. I will spare you with details.

It kind of reminds of the Trickle Down Theory in economics.

When I was a model of fantasy and femininity for 6 years of my life I never thought in a million years that I’d forever be hypersexualized. A source of income and stepping stone for my career was now being used as part of my personal life. My personal life was and is still very different. I was very private and restricted. I’ve spent most of my adult life celibate. As you read this entry I’ve been celibate for 2 years. I live the complete opposite of the image portrayed of me online and in magazines. It wasn’t until part of my career was over that I began exploring my sexuality and becoming polyamorous.

The exploitation of women is part of African American culture. I am not an object however I have been dehumanized by men because of this career choice. I’ve never been a porn star, exotic dancer, escort or prostitute however these are all rumors I heard MEN spread about me online. What I’ve noticed about most of the men I’ve ever come in counter with, if they couldn’t have me no one could. If they couldn’t control me they began to try to control how others viewed me. Instead of using my confidence in my body as a tool to empower and inspire women the very men who celebrated my beauty used it to shame and insult me. I began noticing that I was being penalized for something women of other races where encouraged to do. According to BlackburnCenter.org I was dealing with a deeper rooted issue. Before the slave trade took hold in America, European travelers to Africa were both fascinated and appalled by the dress and practices of the Africans that they encountered there. The minimal amounts of clothing worn by Africans (appropriate in a hot climate), the fact that some tribes practiced polygamy, and the seemingly suggestive tribal dances led these Europeans to believe that Africans were sexually lewd. Now it seems like when women of my color exude confidence by showing our bodies we instead are viewed as women with lower self esteem. I felt negatively about my career choice for a long time and after realizing that my behavior was not helping my community I decided to make a change. It was necessary. Stepping away from a toxic culture in media headlined sex sells meant I had to do what I already knew in my heart was right.

This is where my philanthropic work began. I put my time and energy into doing volunteer work and assisting underprivileged African American families. I started speaking at colleges and mentoring young black women. But no matter my efforts and years of productive celebratory behavior, no matter the plethora of photographs and videos of me participating in said behavior my career choice of 6 years always seems to be the focal point of conversation among men. Mostly men I have never had any kind of sexual interaction with.
For many years I’ve been warned about my kindness. And how it has put me in positions with people that gives them the opportunity to misuse me. Those with malicious intent have come into my life and consider my kindness as a weakness. I have some people in my life that I love dearly who took very good care of me. But their were people in my life that exited it by my request. Though I am not perfect they were not the best people in the world. Ergo me asking them to exit. Men have asked me to leave their lives too and I never complained or made a fuss. Men I’ve dated or even men who were slightly attracted to me began trying to destroy my career or finances. Men that no one would have noticed otherwise now began using my name as a way to catapult their own careers. When they speak of me they depict me as a villain or less than the woman I am.
I said in a podcast recently that people rarely remember what happened to you, they only remember how you respond to it. Once I caught wind of these men and their antics I fought for myself. By any means necessary. People often ask me why so many rumors have spread about me. Some believe because I’m so transparent with my life, on YouTube, that must make me an easier topic for gossip. When the truth is there isn’t one person on this planet that hasn’t been gossipped about. Most people just aren’t aware that they are being spoken about. Fear breeds rumors. The more collective anxiety a group has, the more inclined it will be to start up a rumor about a person they are envious of or may believe they are a threat.

For many years on YouTube I was tormented by African American men. YouTube is a stomping ground for men who believe that oppressing women is part of their right of being a man. The red pill community, the underachievers, socially awkward and low hanging fruit conjugate there to complain about their misfortune with women. The torment got worse after someone I interacted with professionally began showing disdain for me being a single mother. He encourages men to not get involved with single mothers. The catalyst being him having his own issues with his biological mother. He takes it out on me. A man I once admired and only wanted success for was now hurting me so bad. One would think that he’d simply respect another woman being as though he has a stepmom who stepped up. It should make him be in support of blended families. When we began working together he never showed any disapproval about me raising my own kids. He was concerned about whether I was single enough to date him. He later on chastised me about my previous career choice, my sexuality and my physical appearance. All things he did not have an issue with while we were working together. People who would defend me online would began being tormented not just by him but by people he gathered together with hatred. These people were stalked and harassed so badly that I had to break ties with them and encourage them to discontinue defending me.

Once I was abandoned during the pregnancy of my son I began using my YouTube channel as a place to spread awareness about a poor choice I made dating a man who is now divorced but once separated while we planned a future together. Even he used the platform to maliciously depict me as someone I was not. This also gave me opportunity to talk about Fatherhood and how most African American men do not respect their women and children. Half of the men in my audience became infuriated. Even the men that my content didn’t apply to. Using my past as reason for why I couldn’t be trusted intellectually. The other half of the men began empowering me and sending me donations. Women even participated in chastising me about my sexuality. I was called a whore, slut, tranny, by my own people. People I had supported in my past. African Americans who saw me post positive content that was designed to teach us how to deal with each other. It hurt me so bad to see my own people tear me down. All over rumors, misinformation, impulsion and mistakes.

People on YouTube began making hundreds of disrespectful videos about me. They incited hatred and were extremely misleading. I had never seen so many people bring up my past as an argument in intellect conversation before. A past some once celebrated me for. One would think I committed murder or sexual assault the way that people spoke of me. People began conforming to a sect of the dark web that took pride in humiliating me online. Losing all sense of order and conduct these people began making irrational statements about me that were obviously illogical. However were only supported in order to get adoration from members of the group. People who were good people before they entered the group began trying to justify their actions in attempts to align their maliciousness with their proper beliefs about their own individual personality. The de-individualized began apologizing to me for their negativity. Even though the cognitive dissonance was entertaining and served it’s purpose for them it caused me a lot of damage. Becoming aware of that damage made them apologize to begin with. There are still people who are a part of that sect that refuse to wake up and take accountability for the torment. This has lasted for 3 long years.

During this time I began to understand that people had a bigger problem with my individualism. Because I did not conform to the group’s way of thinking and promoted diversity I was chastised even more. We all disagree with others and some of the poor choices they have made. However, we must not forget that we have in fact made our own. After seeing hundreds of negative misleading videos made about me, I finally saw an INDIVIDUAL make a positive one. Finally a well thought out assessment. Not one lie was told. Not one insult was flung. It was just a guy with a personal message trying to make change for the greater good and that was something I could relate to. When he first began his research I believe he wanted to speak more about my philanthropic work and career. Unbeknownst to me he wanted to speak about a much more important topic.

The video is only 1 step towards getting people to see me in the light people saw me in before I collaborated with the wrong YouTuber or dated the wrong man. The woman I’ve always been my entire life underneath the pain, misfortune and mistakes. We should acknowledge people’s efforts to rectify situations and improve. This video goes out to the people who think independently and artistically. Those who know better and do better. You are appreciated and loved. Please like this video and subscribe to this channel. Show support to our brother who’s only focus is Black Excellence.

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We must remember that there are different sides to people. We are not 1 dimensional. That’s why none of the people I’ve mentioned above have me harboring hatred in my heart for them. One of these people I can truly say I love. No matter how much he claims to hate me. I just can’t hate him. I don’t like his behavior but I love him as a person. That’s all I have room in my heart for. I just want people to stop judging each other and love one another. Life is too short and we can lose people we should’ve apologized to or supported. We all have things we have to cope with and disappointments as well as mistakes. I take pride in who I am and I always will. Mistakes and all. Hopefully one day the men I’ve loved will turn that hatred that they feel into love for themselves. I want them to realize that I am not their enemy. I am just a woman. One that should be loved, respected, appreciated and forgiven. I am still the woman they once adored. I am at peace either way. May your heart soften for me. I will pray for more guidance during this lovely life of mine and ask God to give you endless blessings.

Jap, through it all under the mask of a nemesis… you are a lover and a friend. Give it time, your heart will heal. You’ll change for the better and so will I. 💙

Please be sure to check out my latest podcast.