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Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now

Written By: Kei Latrice

Okay, you might be asking yourself, is it really possible to raise a child to become a baby mama or daddy? Like, are parents actually out here training their kids to be solo-dolo moms and dads, for God sakes? Or, better yet, I know a few of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “here comes another self-righteous asshole looking down their nose on non-married people with kids!”– I get it. Parenthood is hard enough, especially when the task is taken on alone, or even as part of a co-parent situation; the last thing any single parent needs, then, is another conservative, “Yaaay, I dodged a bullet”, know it all, telling them how to raise, or in this case, not raise their kids.

So, I’m not going to do that– pass judgment, that is. Instead, I’m going to use those three fingers that always point back at someone, when one points out of course, to tell my own story in three parts. So here goes: The first thing I should note, is that I am married, although most people already know that. Number two–My husband and I have five children, which many of my readers already know as well. Number three, however, is what might be more of a shocker– and that is how I was not married when I conceived my first child. Feel free to clutch your pearls and gasp!

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So babe, how you feeling our new apartment?

See, what had happened was this, Des, (who was just my boyfriend at the time), and I, thought it would be a great idea for me to ditch my graduate school dormitory, and for him to move out of his slum lord apartment, so that the two of us could shack up. It just made sense. We could save on bills, enjoy movie nights and pizza in bed whenever we wanted to, and most importantly, have easy access to early morning sex– a duh! I mean, what twenty-something year old wouldn’t want that? Everything was perfect– even without furniture and in spite of our overpriced rent, until the day I regailed that extra pink line on my doomsday, I mean pregnancy stick.

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Oh hell no– it’s really two lines on here!

Of course I was shocked; the trepidation of not knowing what my life would look like with a child, replaced what should have been a feeling of joy. Des and I had talked about getting married, eventually, but nothing was set in stone. I’ll never forget the day we told my mother: in a restaurant, over pasta and salad, we showed her our plastic truth stick (gross, I know, but hey, we were twenty-ish and dumb) and my mom simply cried. Later, she admitted that her worst fears had come true: I was unmarried and pregnant and might have to raise a child alone.

Be sure to check out Soncerae’s latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

But now, let’s talk about how crazy both of our reactions were, (my mother’s and mine), especially since there had been no Whodini stunt, nor was I the victim of an immaculate conception. I got pregnant the good old fashioned way because we weren’t using protection. It really shouldn’t have been a shock. More importantly, though, the title of baby mama was the very status that I had been groomed for from childhood, and I would have become that, had it not been for our (shotgun) wedding. Let me explain how:

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The Married Couple I knew. We hung out with them every Thursday at 8.

I Had Little to No Examples! Virtually every woman I knew growing up, raised their children without fathers in the home. That was my norm. Fathers came around, sometimes, and gave financial support, occasionally. They rarely lived with the women they had children with and they certainly weren’t married. The married couples I saw growing up were either on television, or, if I encountered them in real life, they didn’t look like me.

My Bar Wasn’t Set That High. In grade school, my aunt promised me $100 if remained childless until after my high school graduation. In my family, having a baby before marriage wasn’t what brought you shame, it was more so being a teenaged mom. At around 19, this same aunt gave me the conception green light. I’d not only graduated from high school, but I was also working, and (in her eyes) somewhat self-sufficient. This meant I’d met my family childbirth standards and could now get pregnant without being shunned. As for my mother and her opinion on the subject, well, let’s just say I had her example, instead of her words.

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Me making it to graduation baby free!

I Had No Actionable Plan. So this one was a bit trickier; as far as having children and being married, I knew I wanted both, but I never really considered the order in which I’d get them. If I had actually taken the time to think about it, I might have been just a little more hesitant about that whole shack up and anytime sex situation with Des. I also would have likely been prepared for, and thus excited about my first pregnancy, instead of just surprised and confused.

My mother, my aunt, and all the women in my family did the best they could to steer me in a positive direction, still they couldn’t prepare me for what they didn’t know. Now, I have the benefit of using the blueprint of their lives and combining it with mine, to help my sons and daughters make better choices. Here’s how:

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I Always Speak of Their (future) Husbands and Wives. Little girls love to fantasize; I know from personal experience, and now having two daughter of my own, I see it with them even more. When they speak on boyfriends, or love, or dating, however, I make make it a point to tie those things to their future husband. For example, if my daughter, who is ten, mentions dating, I’ll say something to this effect, “never date someone who wouldn’t make a good husband.” Then we’ll go into all the things that make a man husband material. Or, when my youngest daughter talks about being a mommy, I always address the topic in a plural sense. So, for example, I’ll say, “when you and your husband have a baby,” or, “you need to be married first,”. I do the same thing with my sons. “Never have sex with a woman you couldn’t see being your wife,” is something I say to them often. When my sons balk at doing hard tasks, I’ll remind them of the wife and children who’ll one day depend on them. The takeaway is this: This type of dialogue lets our children know what our family expectations are and helps them to develop a marital mindset.

I Put My Own Marriage on a Pedestal. Ask any one of my children who my favorite person is and even my youngest, who is five, will answer “Dad”. In fact, my kids often tease me when I whine about missing Des and say, “Sheesh, Dad hasn’t even been gone that long.”, but I can’t help it. Yes, I absolutely adore my children; Each one occupies a piece of my heart that makes up one whole. Nevertheless, as much as I love them, their Father is the one person I most want to spend time with, cuddle with, hang out with, and talk to, because he was there before them and will (fingers crossed) be there after they’ve gotten families of their own. The Takeaway is this: We’re instilling in our children the critical importance of putting your marriage first and that successful families have a natural and meaningful order.

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When you and hubby are each other’s favorite person!

I Encourage Them To Be Intentional. When it came to areas such as education and career, I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve and how to accomplish it. Regarding love and starting a family, however, I was way more willy-nilly and unprepared. That’s why I’m teaching my children to be methodical about both. For instance, I pose questions that make them think about how a family will fit into their long term goals. I advise them about the pitfalls of reckless sex and ways of avoiding them, and I give them examples of how their choices will effect them for generations. The Takeaway is this: We are instilling into our children the concept that planning for a family is as crucial, if not more so, than planning for an education or career.

Now, for the critics– the ones who’ll point out that there aren’t any guarantees; the ones who’ll swear that kids are going to do what they want regardless, I’d tell them all that they’re right. See, our children have these peculiar things in them called, minds of their own. Despite all of our teachings and best efforts, they will ultimately make their own decisions in life. Still, the optimist in me can’t help but try anyway. Sure, I could miss the mark as a parent, in getting them to not be a baby mama or daddy, but, I will absolutely miss it if I just do nothing. I’d say, I have a good 50/50 chance. Plus, I already have proof this goal is acheivable. I came from a clan full a baby mama’s, and now just look at me– I’m a stressed-out happily married mother of five nerve-wracking beautiful kids. That’s a hell-of-enough evidence for me!

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Babe, we did it! We actually pulled this thing off!!!

Tell us what you think? Are parent’s really out here raising kids up to be baby mamas and daddies? If so, tell us how and if not, tell us why? We want to hear from you!

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now original post https://thetalkship.com/2019/05/16/stop-raising-baby-mamas-and-daddies/

Written By: Kei Latrice

Be sure to check out my latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

Single Moms: How To Open A Trust Fund For Your Children

In my last blog entitled “Why I Opened A Trust Fund For My Son” I wrote about how I opened a trust fund for my 16 month old, Justice. I wanted to elaborate on it and talk about how I managed to do so. Trust funds allow people to distribute their property and assets to beneficiaries without having to involve the courts in the probate process and without having to pay some estate taxes. You can set up a trust fund with the assistance of a trust and estates attorney, or you can draw up the documents yourself. This type of financial planning is for the middle class and wealthy. So the first step in opening a trust fund is simple.

  1. Be generating at least $40,500 and $122,000 a year. This not the average salary for an average American. Create different sources of income to be able to accumulate such.
  2. Understand what a trust fund is. There are numerous types of trust funds, but the most common are revocable and irrevocable trusts. These trusts are estate planning tools used to hold, gather or distribute money to people or organizations. An estate is all of the money and property owned by a particular person, especially at death. Inside of this fund you can put assets, money, stock, real estate, business etc.
  3. There are 3 parties associated with a trust fund.  A grantor – who sets up the trust.  A trustee – who manages the trust  and a beneficiary – the person who receives whatever is inside of the trust. Decide who do you want placed in these three positions.
  4. Next you need to decide whether to hire an estate planning attorney or you want to draw up the documents yourself. Doing it yourself requires that you understand the laws of your state. Laws have a heavy influence on how the trust sculpted.
  5. Once the trust is started you have to register it with the IRS. The trust fund entity will need to request its own taxpayer identification number (TIN). Just as a business needs an Employer Identification Number (EIN) and a person needs a Social Security Number (SSN). Remember that a trust fund stands alone. Just like a business or a human being.
  6. Transfer assets. Whether it’s stock shares, businesses, real estate or even cash you must change the ownership titles.  For example: For example, my son’s trust is called Happyness Seeds. Imagine I had 10,000 shares of Uber worth $700,000 that I wanted to put in trust for my son. I would set up the family trust and call it “Happyness Seeds Transportation Trust.” Then decide to name my son’s God Father Archangel Michael to be a trustee. I would have to re-register my stock certificates with the transfer agent, changing the ownership title listed in Uber’s corporate registration records from my name to: “Archangel Michael  as Trustee for Happyness Seeds Transportation Trust” , September 30th, 2019.
  7. Keep DETAILED records. An important part of having a trust is administering it in accordance with the trust’s guidelines. You must also keep accounting records. In case of a lawsuit the paperwork will be in place to clear up any discrepancies.

A trust gives you greater protection than a will against legal action from anyone who is unhappy with the distribution of assets and decides to challenge it.  They also offer flexibility in how assets are distributed. You can pay for education or donate to charities with a trust. A trust can provide a way to avoid or reduce estate taxes because assets and property placed into a trust are not subject to these taxes. Trusts can help you manage your affairs if you become unable to do so. Many people set up trusts to prepare for the possibility that they may become disabled or ill before their death, and thus unable to manage their assets properly. Trusts offer greater privacy than wills because trusts don’t go through probate, so there usually aren’t any public records of them. This means your assets and whom you leave them to are kept private.

Please be sure to subscribe to this blog as well as check out my YouTube Channel. For more information on how to be better with your finances as a single mother go to https://richsinglemomma.com

Why I Opened Up A Trust Fund For My Son

One of the first things I did after I gave birth was open up a trust fund for my son. After, being homeless and pregnant, abandoned by his father and moving 2,000 miles away from Georgia to California. So I could have a better life, I promised myself I’d never live another day in poverty and neither will my children. My oldest Daughter Dominique, 19, has lived a life of privilege because both her dad and I were able to provide a good life for her. She also experienced life without the financial assistance of her dad and I. On the road to financial freedom I wanted to make sure that both of my children understand generational wealth and the lack thereof. As a single mother, society often pins the poverty ball and chain to our ankles. As if the absence of a man, father or husband deems us incompetent. Granted 100 years ago there were things women weren’t allowed to do. Like, vote, stand up against sexual harassment, get a credit card, serve on a jury, run a marathon, attend an Ivy League college, stay on the job during pregnancy, be taken serious in the military or on the police force, or get an abortion. Thanks to the feminists now we get to tie our own shoes and everything.

There are some disadvantages of being a single mother and one is a decreased income after divorce or break ups. What slips everyone’s mind is that the man leaving the marriage also takes a financial hit. If after a divorce a husband becomes a single father would people suddenly disrespect him how they do single mothers? No! They’d praise him for standing up and taking care of his children without their mother. Of course family income is great. There is a partnership in place there. If you are married the joint income is highly beneficial. If you’ve never been married and receive child support benefits or not you can still have financial stability. People forget to mention how empowering it is to do things on your own regardless of your gender.

YOU get to decide how to spend your money.

YOU make the financial plans.

YOU will also be able to help your children understand finances and teach them to manage money better.

Being a single parent will mean that you help your child be a team player and work together as a team, instead of making your child rely on you for every little thing. Your child will learn the importance of planning and handling his or her actions. When you want to do something for the house, such as get a new piece of furniture or even go grocery shopping, chances are you will always ask your child for their opinion. Not only will it make your child feel important, but it will also instill a sense of responsibility that will come from participating in team work and everyday decision-making process. – Debolina Raja

Of course we as single mothers need a support system. But the outdated stigma placed on us has begin to remove itself. People are starting to understand that a single parent home is just a different home not a broken one.

Children in single parent families spend more one-on-one time with their parent. This allows the two to establish a closer bond with one another.

Children from single parent homes are taught how to be responsible early on.

Independence develops early on, making the child come out ahead of others his or her age in that regard.

Two parents aren’t necessary for success. Friends and relatives of either gender can teach children. There are children who still end up being great human beings because they at least had 1 great parent. All it takes is a good loving disciplined environment for a child to turn out well rounded whether they are raised by a male or female, parent or guardian. It takes a village, I say. I need all of the positive collaborators I can stand. A child doesn’t need just his father or just his mother. A household doesn’t come crumbling to the ground simply because a man isn’t present in it. Children do step outside of their homes and run into all types of influences that can be detrimental or helpful to the process of their growth.

Fortunately, for me I am not on government assistance. I was encouraged to do so and some people even refuse to believe to this day that I’m not on it. Even though SECTION 8 is closed in San Francisco people automatically assumed I was on it once I moved into one of my new homes earlier this year. Instead of celebrating that I went from homelessness to now living in a beautiful home, they begin to discredit my efforts and improvements. Some assumed I’d stay homeless forever. Not realizing that I am a college educated, very determined, intelligent woman who also happens to be resourceful. I made a poor choice in trusting a man to lead me. Trusting him with my survival turned out to be detrimental to me and the son we conceived together.

Contrary to what’s being force fed to the masses these stereotypes hold no validity to me and the single mothers I associated with:

Single moms are the least likely women to get married or remarried.

Children in single-parent families always have deficits, do poorly in school and suffer emotionally and behaviorally.”

Children raised by single moms actually resent and hate their mothers”

Single mothers are unable to give their sons the upbringing that they need and once they have to face the world, they prove to be failures since they lacked a man living at home.

Youth raised by a single mom are at higher risk for substance abuse.

Children are at greater risk of physical abuse in single mother households than in single father households.

High Youth Crime Rates are a direct result of not having a father at home.

Single moms are lonely and have a hard time finding a new man.

A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother.

Children growing up without a father in the home are more than twice as likely to end up in jail.

Not only am I proof that all of those statements are untrue. I am not the only adult who was raised in a single parent home that turned out decent. Of course I’ve made mistakes just like the average person but this wasn’t because I was sporadically raised by a single mother. It’s because I was not taught certain things that most parents both mother and father teach their children. I learned from valuable lessons from the people in my family as well as some poor habits. My mom was somewhat negligent. Mainly because of her work schedule and tending to my step father and his shenanigans. Don’t get me started on that. After meeting my biological Father I’m glad she kept him away from me. He was a mess. He was dishonorably discharged from the military…..let that sit with you.

My mother was an accountant. She didn’t teach me much about accounting. She just handed me a check book with my name on it. I was confused. I’ve always had an interest in finance, economics, business, technology, psychology, sociology, spirituality and metaphysics. I knew one day that these interests would generate me multiple sources of income. I started my first job at 15 and my first business at 18. I am currently a business owner. I love what I do. There is still room for improvement.

Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com to get tips on how to improve your finances.

This ride has been a wild one though. I’ve been evicted twice and homeless twice. Let me just say homeless and pregnant is much more severe that my college days of sleeping on my friend’s couch and eating top ramen, oriental flavor. This was a whole different level. Ending up in a domestic violence shelter and not knowing where my next meal would come from is terrifying. So now more than ever I think about what I’d do in the future in case something drastic happens. It’s all about simply making better choices. Like choosing a credit union instead of a traditional bank account, avoiding debt and not relying on a man to provide for me and my children. It makes no sense for women to be out here screaming “MISS INDEPENDENT” then the second they have a child they want to rely on a man for financial stability. Feminists have been out here fighting for us to do our own thing. Stop relying on these men for your survival. Co parenting and even marriage are a partnership. If you choose the wrong man you will still be living in poverty whether you are married to him or not.

Like I told YouTuber Paris Milan after her community post:

Oooh chile, y’all triggered on the last post. According to y’all, majority of single mothers became that way after a divorce, widowed, or if they had em out oow then they are NOT struggling financially. My question is, does a man’s income whom you have your child with, NOT make a difference? Is that a figment of my imagination?

I said: Majority of the single moms I know in Northern California are divorced and arent black. It isnt a man’s income that’s important. It’s his ability to be committed to the partnership. We can make money together. If his income matters SO DOES MINE. We are a team.

A friend of mine and I were discussing my interest in opening a Laundromat and buying into a Franchise. He told me that he and his wife opened a laundromat then bought a Chick-Fil-A. She has since passed away and he just closed on an apartment building. They were both making 6 figures a year and they have 2 children. He is a single father now. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would’ve done the same thing he did for their children. He said it was her that believed in him and saw in him what he didn’t see in himself. She helped him become successful before she passed away. Yes a blessed union between two people is admirable but at the same time if something happens to one parent the other needs to kick into gear.

My son’s father was not in the best place financially when my son was born. I knew he wasn’t financially stable when I met him. So my goal was to encourage him to improve. When I met him I was financially getting back on my feet from a hard hit. Then my pregnancy threw me for a loop and I was struggling myself, AGAIN. My son’s father was no help. While severely ill instead of him working harder to keep us afloat until I could get back in place he ran and left me to fend for myself. He encouraged me to move back in with my ex. Like that made sense. I was supposed to ask my ex to let me move in with him while I’m pregnant by another man? What type of Maury Povich, Love & Hip Hop bullshit was he on? It wasn’t until months later I realized that he asked me to move in with my ex because his ex was his crutch and he could go move in with her with ease. She played his momma on more than one occasion. I ended up in a roach motel doing crowd funding and asking for donations from people I knew on social media. It was embarrassing but I had to do it. Other people helped me moved to California. If it wasn’t for their kindness I wouldn’t be here. My son was financially taken care of the first year of his life. We had raised a lot of money. He had all of the clothes and toys he needed. I owe my friends, family, associates, business partners and supporters my life. Had they not been pulling for me and wanting me to get out of the mess I was in I don’t think I would’ve made it.

My 19 year old daughter, Dominique and I talk about generational wealth all of the time. We think about multiple ways to generate income that will last in our family for centuries. We want to give our kids and our kids, kids something to build off of. I’ve taught her the important of building and investing her money. She uses an app called Acorns to help her with her investments and uses CashApp for her bitcoins. I was so proud of her this morning when I dropped her off at the San Francisco International Airport. She was dressed in her business casual attire, ready to hop on a first class United Airlines flight. She was headed to Washington, DC to see her Father and his side of the family. The fact that my daughter has been on an airplane under the age of 21 3x the amount of times I took flight under that age is impressive. She is simply a better version of me. It’s extraordinary. Not only is she investing in herself I myself have invested in a life insurance policy and an irrevocable trust fund for my son. I can place cash, stock, real estate or other valuable assets in his trust. My goal is to put whatever property I purchase after buying into a franchise into my son’s trust. He will only be able to receive monthly payments from his trust AFTER he has completed 4 years of college. The stipulation is that he has to complete 4 years of college and receive a Bachelor’s Degree before he is 25 years of age. Or he can use the money if he has expenses due to an injury or disability. The child support payments that are currently being garnished from his Father’s pay are going into his trust fund account. The goal is to make this a lasting legacy for my grandchildren as well.

Living in San Francisco, California, I am in a completely different tax bracket than I was when I resided in Atlanta, Georgia. We are all millionaires here. It’s another standard of living. I wanted to challenge myself. I have and I’ve grown. Something as simple as learning what a net income is, or what EBITDA stands for is a good place to start for anyone on the path to financial freedom. Everything is a learning process. I’ve taken my experiences and used them as a way to motivate myself to not only generate more money but to manage it better. My legacy has always been important to me. Becoming an exceptional mother is a the top of that list. Part of what makes me a good mom is being able to provide for my children and teach them how to be self sufficient. My son is 16 months old now by the time he turns 18 he will be a multi-millionaire. I’ll make sure of it.

DIVORCE: Women Who Date SEPARATED MEN Are DESPERATE & THIRSTY?

If you’re married to one person but dating another, it is not necessarily considered adultery. You are free to date during separation without having to worry that your social life will be used as grounds for divorce. An adulterous relationship is one that begins before you have separated from your spouse.

Separation means that you are living apart from your spouse, but you’re still legally married until you get a judgment of divorce from a court (even if you already have a judgment of separation).

Thank you Google! I found the true definition of SEPARATED. It’s grown people out here trying to act like they have no idea what that means. Usually separated people are definitely headed towards divorce. If they end up staying married or renewing vows it’s an exception to the rule. The divorce rate in the United States is sky high. SEPARATION isn’t some magical break that’s going to help them get back together later. If they have decided to move in separate homes they are headed for a divorce. It will take a miracle from God to get them back together.

This leads me to once again talk about my son’s father. A man who is continuously brought up inside of my comment section on a regular by people who want to chastise me for dating him. I could have posted a video about rain clouds and inside of the comment section will be some moron calling me thirsty and desperate for dating a SEPARATED MAN. Let’s go over this for those who may be confused.

There are different types of marital status options. We all know this if we have ever filled out any kind of application. We are asked are we:

SINGLE

MARRIED

SEPARATED

DIVORCED

WIDOWED

Now that we have established that, let’s get specific about my son’s father, Priest. Before he and I begin to date he had already been in 3 or more casual relationships with other women with whom he shared intimacy with. Not only had he been with those women sexually, he also traveled to the Dominican Republic and paid a few prostitutes to entertain him while on vacation. This all while he was SEPARATED. When he and I met he led me to believe that he had been SEPARATED for 2 years and was living separately from his now EX WIFE SaDonya. When I met him I was not interested in dating a married or SEPARATED man nor was I interested in seriously dating someone SINGLE. Nor was I interested in casual sex. I did NOT want to be in a relationship of ANY KIND. I was on a dating site looking for people to come out to an event that I was promoting at a venue in Duluth, GA called THEORY LOUNGE. This was not uncommon for me. I always knew that I could never take a dating site serious. Especially not Plentyoffish.com. Most men were on there looking for hookups, lying about who they were. I invited my son’s father out to the event. I assumed once he got there he’d meet a woman he was interested in. Just like the other men I had invited to the venue. The men who flirted with me on the dating site I’d invite to Theory. Priest was unable to attend because of the venue’s long distance from his house. We continued to casually talk and it wasn’t before long that we decided to go on a date. All the while, I thought he was single. It wasn’t until our first date, weeks after we first started talking, that he told me that he was SEPARATED. He led me to believe that their marriage was OVER. He wasn’t the only one to encourage me to continue seeing him. After meeting his family, his mother and brother were very persuasive and reassured me that it was safe to proceed.

A few months later after battling years of infertility I became pregnant and I finally did speak to his then estranged wife SaDonya who also reassured me that they were SEPARATED. She claimed that they were only friends and that she was dating someone else. Priest and I discussed over and over and over and over our future together. We discussed marriage as well as our goal to start a family. Our son Justice came much sooner than we planned. I promised Priest that if after we were married and we tried for a year to conceive I’d simply divorce him if I did not end up pregnant. SaDonya and Priest DO NOT have children together. I believed he deserved to be a father. I did not want to be another woman in his life who did not give him a child. Priest was SaDonya’s second husband, she had 2 children from a previous marriage and another from a previous relationship.

SO again….SEPARATED MEANS A DIVORCE IS PENDING.

Here’s what I wasn’t going to do….

be with a man who was promising me divorce in private while he hid me from the public. HELL NO.

I’ve been a mistress in my lifetime and I played my position. Chris Law was miserable during his first marriage. I was simply his distraction. I did not ask to be promoted. I did not encourage him to get divorced. In no way would I ever have taken someone else’s husband serious and for damn sure wouldn’t have had a baby by him. F–king someone else’s husband is not my favorite past time. I do not have this long history of having sex with married men. I’ve done it for reasons I’ve shared on this blog plenty of times and I’ve admitted to it, apologetically. Hurt people HURT PEOPLE. Lesson learned. I’d do an abortion before I have an “illegitimate baby” and that’s saying a lot being as though I was unable to conceive for such a long time. My son is not an “illegitimate baby”. My son is a miracle and his father was initially excited about my pregnancy. Again, we spoke plenty of times about marriage and children and was preparing our lives for the transition.

There are plenty of people who start dating during the final stages of their divorce and ended up getting involved and even married to other people. But there are a few things you need to consider. I wish my son’s father would’ve thought long and hard before he started taking me serious or seemingly doing so.

Here are a few bits of advice I believe someone separated should take.

DATE WHEN YOU ARE READY AND NOT A SECOND BEFORE THEN. And by ready I mean that it isn’t so much a question of time but of where you are emotionally. Most people have emotionally left the marriage long before they file for divorce. Don’t consider dating until you have physically separated, even if you/your spouse agree that the marriage is over. Don’t date until you are ready. You could be divorced yet still not ready to date. He and I broke up 2 years ago to date and I have yet to fully move on to another guy. I’ve barely dated and I haven’t had sex at all. Men are definitely trying me. But STILL. I’m just NOT READY!

Don’t mislead who you are dating. Priest led me to believe the process of the official divorce had began. Do NOT lie and say you’ve filed for divorce when you haven’t. DON’T hide that you’re going through a divorce. If directly asked by a date, you should be honest but brief. They don’t need to know every little legal detail. “There are many different situations (i.e., financial concerns, custody issues) that delay the process of a divorce. Most people are understanding and if they’re not you don’t want to be with them anyway. Being honest and open about the status of your relationship is essential to developing trust. Most people lie about their separations or divorce because they know it will turn people away.

Avoid introducing your children to your new partner until your divorce is final. Your children are fragile and sensitive. Clean up the mess first.

Don’t get pregnant or impregnate someone before the divorce is final. This is actually one I wished I followed myself! I put too much faith and trust in Priest and SaDonya. I thought they would keep their word. They led me to believe that their divorce papers were signed sealed and delivered, June 30th 2017. When the truth was SaDonya did not file for divorce until early 2019 and their divorce was not final until our son was almost a year old in March of that same year. I believe that Priest wanted to lead the public to believe that he told me he did NOT want a baby. I believe that initially he wasn’t interested in taking anyone serious just like I wasn’t. After we invested time in each other our desires started to shift. We started to want more from each other. We were more compatible then we expected to be. We fell in love. Or so he led me and the rest of the world to believe. This leads me to the next form of advice.

DON’T get too caught up, too fast. It’s common to romanticize new relationships and quickly get caught up in the whirlwind of falling in love all over again after divorce. “Even if you know your divorce was for the best, it can take some time to truly move past your ex. Men have a more difficult time recovering from breakups than women, and if you start dating too soon it can sabotage your next relationship. Priest and I have a 16 month old son that he has never met. We don’t talk at all and child support is being garnished from his check. SaDonya and I have talked more since the birth of our son than Priest and I have. The damage is severe and the bridge is burnt. I ran 2,000 miles away from him and I hate to look back.

Stop it with the comparisons. Often we compare the new dates to our old relationship. I had a different personality, behavior, and different values but Priest was not mindful of that. He continued to compare me to SaDonya. He should have been focusing on trying to get to know me so we could form a healthy friendship, relationship and loving bond with one another.

A lot of people would not take the risk of dating someone separated. Deception and manipulation can take place in any kind of relationship so we can’t automatically assume that because a person is in the process of a divorce that that means that they aren’t dateable. After a divorce you don’t just fall in love with the first person you see. I made sure I was very communicative with Priest about SaDonya. I asked him on a number of occasions was he sure he no longer had feelings for her and he always reassured me that he didn’t.

Just because a woman is open minded does not mean that she is desperate and thirsty for a man. As I said in the beginning I was not interested in a relationship of any kind nor was I interested in sex when I met him. It was about business for me. I had been single for almost a decade. I took interest in him after time because I thought he was a remarkable man. I believed he had my best interest at heart. I thought that he was selfless. He made me happy and comfortable. I was trying to be understanding and patient. I took the risk because I genuinely loved the man whom I considered my spiritual husband. Someone I had a soultie with. Which was a stupid mistake to a lot of people. But if I regret meeting him then I regret the conception of my son. My son is a blessing. He is a gift from God and had I not been open minded enough to be with Priest during his separation my son would not be here.

Close to the end of my first trimester Priest told me that he still had feelings for SaDonya and that he wanted to date her. This is what led us to break up. I was not going to play tug a war with a woman who he had been married to for 15 years. So I let him go. After the reassuring me that she was never going to be an issue, after I asked him over and over was he sure that he only wanted me and he no longer wanted her, here he was telling me he in fact did have feelings for her a day late and a dollar short.

Priest was against abortion but asked me to consider putting my son up for adoption and I refused. I wasn’t going to allow both of us to be cowards. He may have deceived me, hurt me and betrayed me but I wasn’t going to allow his foolishness to ruin ANOTHER life like he tried to ruin mine. It’s better my son have one GOOD parent than be stuck in the foster care system fighting for his life because his BAD parent suggested it. I will do anything for my son and I love him.

Back to this “thirstiness”….not every woman who gets involved with a man in his position is pressed. Sometimes men meet women who are genuinely kind. Some of us are strong minded and have positive attitudes. I had faith in Priest. I was pulling for him. I am soft hearted and he knew it. I have empathy and compassion. I was loyal and encouraged him to be a better man. But instead of protecting both SaDonya and I from additional hurt he led us both down a dismal path of drama, deceit, heartache and frustration. I have taken accountability and responsibility for my own actions in this situation. My first instinct was to run when he told me he was separated. Some say I should’ve pulled off and left him at the restaurant our first date was at, I could’ve saved myself a lot of pain. My intentions were to never see him again when I slapped money down on the table to take care of the check. I stormed off pissed about his marital status. What an asshole, I thought to myself. But my heart told me not to leave him there. I drove us to the restaurant. Had I pulled off and left Priest there my son would have never had a chance at life. Thank God, I stayed. After that moment nothing would’ve made me leave Priest. NOTHING….but when he walked away leaving me pregnant, severely ill, broke and abandoned in a roach motel seemingly running back to SaDonya. What else was I supposed to do? I ran so far that now he’ll never be able to reach me or his son ever again.

Now I live a life of peace and serenity. I’m healed loved and supported. I have a level of clarity about love life and relationships that I never had before. The lessons that the men that I have dated taught me inadvertently helped me grow immensely as a woman. I know who I am. I know what I want. I value myself now more than ever. Some people may believe that I must have had low self-esteem before interacting with these men. The truth is I was arrogant cocky and conceited before I met them. They turned that into pure self worth and genuine confidence. I believe in myself and I have a healthier self image. I encourage women to never be pressed for any man. I don’t care who he is. What’s right for you will come to you and you will never have to chase a man or go through drama or another woman to keep him. Ladies, don’t kill yourself over a man he’ll bring another b**** he wants to f*** with to your funeral.

How To Get Revenge on Deadbeat Baby Daddies

Fathers come in all forms. There are some really good fathers out there. Then there are some out there who don’t even acknowledge that they have children. Handling “baby daddies” has become a severe issue in recent years. Being as though single parenting has become extremely popular. It’s typical for women to use children as a weapon to extract revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings or breakups.

Just because two people have sex and the woman has a child does not indicate that the man who contributed is a father in anything but the technical definition of the word. It just means that his penis works. – Rebel Circus

There is a misconception that the only time a man abandons a child is if he and the woman he conceived a child with were never married. When the truth is most of the single mothers I have come in close proximity with are divorced. A woman can marry a man and when he decides to leave she can still go through an emotional rollercoaster with him as if they never agreed to terms and conditions of matrimony. When some of these men decide to start a new family with another woman they leave their ex wives and children completely behind, as if they do not exist. Men have displayed this behavior for decades now. This isn’t a new age problem. Men have been digging wholes they weren’t prepared to jump in for years.

Bring up the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are as diametric and unrelenting as bipartisan politics.

It is either:

  1. Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or

  2. Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers’ money — all of which is supported by the family court system. – Emma Johnson

I talk about these issues inside of the community often on my podcast THE GODQUEEN LIVE . Take a listen when you get the chance.

Most single mothers would have chose better male role models for their children had they been able to predict the future. Most women want strong providers. A man not taking care of his children financially is only 1 sign that a man is a deadbeat. There are several other signs that a Father is a deadbeat. Please, let me explain.

  1. He breaks promises. He doesn’t know how to execute any plans or goals. It’s one thing to say you want to be a father. Or even be excited during a pregnancy but it’s another to actually wake up every morning day in and out investing time and energy into a tiny human being.
  2. He never holds himself accountable and blames why he doesn’t provide for his children on everyone else. Most of the people in his life enabled him so taking responsibility for any of his issues would be too complicated of a task.
  3. He acts carefree, like he doesn’t have children at all. This is a sign of immaturity. He hasn’t grown up. Progress is an important part of becoming an adult. If a man still has the same behavior he had 2 years ago and he hasn’t improved, then you can rest assured that this person is not someone you can depend on.
  4. He downplays your accomplishments as a mother. You may be out here handling things on your own. Your kids are well taken care of. Buying your dream car or home. Starting your own business or getting a college degree. Somehow he’ll make it seem like these things are so easy to do. Even though he hasn’t accomplished those things himself. You have managed to become successful without him and that’s a hard pill for a man to swallow.
  5. He didn’t make you a better person during the relationship. When you are in a good partnership the person you are tied to helps you grow. He challenges you to be the best version of yourself possible. Deadbeats make your life more complicated. You experience more drama and hardships.
  6. He never has a straight answer for anything nor can he make a solid decision. He is a master of psychological games and manipulation. He talks in circles so much it makes you want to give up on adult conversation altogether and just get silent.
  7. He surrounds himself with the wrong friends or crowd. Most of the people a deadbeat hangs around are enablers. There is no one around him to tell him he’s making poor decisions. If you have low life standards the people around you have low life standards as well.
  8. He doesn’t take care of his own issues. These kind of men lack any sense of personal responsibility. He overlooks his own problems and expects everyone else to solve them. Keeping a steady job, a car or paying a mortgage seems to much of a responsibility for him.
  9. He procrastinates. This is why he has not accomplished much. Putting things off until the last minute or giving up on things that may be challenging is a display of laziness. It’s a character trait that most men who are deadbeats have. They always believe that they have time to waste.
  10. He’s petty. Yes, extremely. He thinks it’s cute. He was coddled most of his life. Don’t let you be the one to put your foot down. He’ll try to convince the world that you are the devil incarnate. He has contributed nothing worth mentioning to society let alone his relationship with his children but he still wants the world to believe he is God’s gift to you.

Now that we have established what a deadbeat dad is we have to focus on how to deal with one. Learning how to deal with the curse of a deadbeat dad is seemingly as difficult as cracking the Davinci Code. I’m going to share with you the advice most people would give you as far as how to deal with these deadbeats. Then I’m going to tell you how I deal with my sperm donor.

They say: Stop putting up with his incompetence. If you have enough patience to deal with the unintelligent you can baby step him through it. I personally don’t have time for that shit. Especially when I am dealing with a grown ass man. He is not a toddler or a puppy. I have a child to raise. I can’t be my ex’s mom too. That was his mother’s job.

They say: Offer him visitation rights for the right price. To me that attempt will be unsuccessful. Most deadbeats don’t want to see their kids anyway. They aren’t going to want to willingly pay to see them. Some deadbeats pay child support so they won’t look like a complete disgrace.

To me it’s a cop out or some type of pay off. Some type of QUID PRO QUO unsaid arrangement where a deadbeat obviously isn’t going to be around his children mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically but he’ll cough up chump change because it’s the least he can do. It is not about what you can or can’t do for yourself and your baby or what you do and don’t need. A portion of his earnings are owed to your child. Child support is the business side of separate parenting and should be addressed in a business manner. It’s nothing personal.

I didn’t want to put my son’s father on child support. He asked for it. I would have preferred him just being there for his son. Being able to see him when he wanted. Loving him. Taking pictures when he wanted. Going on vacation with him. I can’t live without my son’s hugs. It’s unfortunate that his father can’t experience that. They’ve never even met. Filing for child support got me that DNA test I wanted. I wanted to prove to everyone that he was lying about not being our son’s father. He knows he is his Father. He knew when I was pregnant. The DNA test was unnecessary on one side of the coin but a requirement on the other. As much as I hate the concept of child support, I filed. Not wanting to be an active participant in your child’s life does not alleviate the financial responsibility of having children. For either parent. I don’t need his money nor do I want it. That money isn’t mine it’s my son’s. I’m not going to get in the way of that.

For more resources on how to become financially stable as a single mom go to https://richsinglemomma.com

Sometimes I think he makes our situation as complicated as possible because he wanted me to be the woman who still wanted a romantic relationship with him. But he turned me off during my pregnancy once he begin acting like he didn’t want to be a father to our child. It was unattractive. I don’t want someone that has blatantly said that they don’t want me for starters. I also think men who are non existent in their child’s life or are abusive to them do not deserve to breathe the same air I do. So imagine my surprise when the father of my child turned out to be that man. I had no problem letting him go. He wanted to leave. I wanted him to. My issue was never because of him wanting to leave me. My issue was that he waited until I was 5 months pregnant to decide he didn’t want to be a father. The issue is he abandoned US, leaving US to die in a roach motel while I was severely ill and in a high risk pregnancy. During tough times or challenges you don’t run like a bitch. You suit up and display the strength of a warrior.

They say: Ask him what he wants.

I did that…..good luck with getting a straight answer out of him.

A lot of men think that their “baby mommas” are women who wish they can still be with the fathers of their children. I was not interested. So the more I showed a lack of interest the more he tries to convince the world that I am not over him. When the truth is I never showed any sign that I still wanted to be in the relationship. Once he told me he wanted to get back with his ex, I was disgusted. I wasn’t about to play tug a war with another chick over d–k. I don’t have the patience for all of that. Now, It is very possible for him to love our child and not care a thing about me. I get it. Some women don’t. It may hurt to hear that for some but, it’s true. So far he hasn’t shown that that’s the case. He’s actually using our son as a pawn. He’s taking his frustrations out on our son by not being there for him because of his disdain for me. He doesn’t have to care about me but he will respect me. As the mother of his child and a human being. Or I simply won’t allow him to be around.

Some men can be manipulative—especially men who know it is in their best interest to keep custodial and child support payment arrangements outside of the courts by making a deal with you. So, what do they do? Say whatever they need to say to keep you satisfied—not happy but not angry enough to file papers either. If you want him to be your man, he’ll pose as a makeshift boyfriend. Don’t let your desperation to “fix” the situation or “make it right” turn you into a sucker for the okie-doke. – Nicole Williams

He tried to use my emotions against me. He actually called me trying to convince me to take him off child support claiming he wanted to be a good Father. Like suddenly the first week of January 2019 on some new year’s resolution tip he turned over a new leaf. He was just unemployed at the time and didn’t want to pay child support. Even to this day he is pissed off that his pay is being garnished.

I don’t talk bad to my son about his father. Kids grow up and see on their own who the problem is or was. I don’t dare make excuses for his ass either. My son will know that I do NOT play and I was not for the drama and lies when it came to co-parenting. I don’t want my son to resent me. So I won’t be the one to share with him that his father is a deadbeat. I’ll let my son decide with time how he feels and what he thinks about his father. I’m not even going to waste my energy painting a negative picture of him. I’ve shamed his father publicly. Mainly because he publicly humiliated me. So I had no choice but to clap back. I stand my ground with all 10 toes. It was part of me holding him accountable for his foolishness and I don’t regret it. Regardless to how much backlash I received from his enablers. They may not tell him where he did wrong but he gonna get in line messing around with me. He’s gonna be a grown man in my presence or he can keep his distance. I won’t settle for less.

So how do you deal with a deadbeat dad? Sorry honey but….ya don’t. Do without the drama. Let him be some other woman’s problem. I knew how he behaved once I was in my 6 month of pregnancy that he was going to be a deadbeat. He changed drastically. The man that was once excited I was pregnant had now become an ass. He knew it was all or nothing to me. I wasn’t going to allow a one foot in one foot out operation. He knew I wanted us to be a family. A complete one. We were on our way down the aisle. The plans were to be married then have children. God laughed at that plan and gave me a miracle baby that I thought was going to only be conceived once I found the right fertility clinic.

I’ve learned that you can’t change the way a person feels or what a person thinks about their children. When a person is severely damaged themselves they can’t even see the damage they cause in the lives of others. I’ve been fair. All I’ve asked for was his presence. Not for me to be placed on a pedestal. I do not feel a sense of entitlement. Apparently, I didn’t mean much to him before I gave birth or considering dumping me for his ex wouldn’t have been an option. (FYI he didn’t truly dump me for her. He was just using that as an excuse to end the relationship. They never did get back together. They claim to still be good friends though.) He chose her over his child. He has her respect as a man not mine. He’ll never get friendship out of me. I’ll only respect him if he chooses to be a better father to our son. How any woman can respect him abandoning a child is beyond me. I don’t want much from him at all. However, I do demand a level of respect for being the mother of his child. Since he doesn’t have an ounce of human decency to provide that, I rather not deal with him at all. It’s a boundary I set. I will not allow a man to disrespect me in front of my children. Period. I will not do that to him so I will not tolerate that from him.

Continue to be a supportive and loving mom to your child. One great parent is better than having two parents with one of the two being emotionally unattached to the child.

Minimize contact.

If it’s not about our son I really don’t have shit to say.

Establish boundaries. Do not entertain foolishness.

I deserve respect. He can’t give it then he will not be allowed to be around.

Do not feel sorry for your children.

Children deserve someone in their life who wants to be there. No sense in feeling sorry for your children because some deadbeat doesn’t want to be there. Does it make any sense to value a deadbeat? If he was father of the year then I could see you feeling sorry for your kids about his absence. I’m happy that my son has a healthy environment.

Be non emotional and logical.

As much as I can’t stand my son’s father I do NOT allow that to determine how I co-parent with him. I respect him as a Father. Since he has not played his position I have no respect for him at all. Husband and boyfriend is a different role than Father. Just because he was a terrible boyfriend to me doesn’t automatically make him a bad Father.

Teach emotional intelligence, healthy communication and positivity in your home.

That way toxicity and negativity will not be tolerated or introduced to your children by anyone in your household.

Do not argue with him.

I pretty much refuse to argue with my son’s father. He’ll get hung up on. I’ll excuse myself before I speak to him aggressively. I entertained 1 conversation with him since the birth of his son where we both lost control. Never again. I don’t have time for that. Arguments include emotions. Emotions that are not even worth addressing. Simply because they have nothing to do with our child. Since I’m logical I find it unnecessary to address emotional things or to fling insults. I’m not about to sacrifice years of happiness battling with an ex, trying to convince him to make contact with his own kid. That conflict can damage my child if he ever saw us do that in front of him.

On my YouTube Channel I promote that #SINGLEMOMLIFE It’s about empowering women to live positive healthy lives even though they are single. I am still a great mom even though my son’s father abandoned our son. My son will still grow up well rounded. I do not want to seek revenge on the father of my child. He doesn’t have that much power over me. I refuse to allow him to continue to rent space in my mind.

People who seek revenge instead of forgiving or letting go, tend to feel worse in the long run. Do you really want to waste your precious time on someone that doesn’t deserve it? Think of all the fun things you could be doing instead. Whether you believe in it or not, karma makes a much better friend than foe – make sure to keep on the right side of it. IF youseek revenge on the person who hurt you and they then take revenge on your revenge.. the cycle continues. Make sure you don’t get caught in a loop, it will only cause you further pain and hurt. It’s not worth it. MOVE ON. A better man will come and help you forget all about him. Stepfathers and good husbands are REAL. Don’t let the deadbeats fool you.

I Can’t Believe She Made Fun of Me for Being Molested as a Child

(See if you can make it through this blog. I haven’t edited it yet. 😂)

There are definitely some twisted people in this world. I wasn’t sure that was a virtual certainty until I was on YouTube and was severely harassed and stalked. What’s extremely unfortunate is that I was severely harassed by some women. Not a lot of women would indulge in such foolishness. Usually it’s men that harass me severely on YouTube but for some reason I have continuously been harassed by the same woman for 3 years. One would think someone her age would act a little more mature but instead LaVonya Edwards shows a level of ignorance and a lack of compassion for not just me but children in general. She posts vile cartoons of me onto YouTube.  Like who has time to sit around making cartoons about someone they claim they don’t like. A miserable person with too much time on their hands. Not being productive. Someone almost 50 years old participates in elementary school behaviors. She has maliciously addressed my children in my comment sections as well as using her platform to spread vicious rumors about me and my children. I have spoken about this woman’s vitriol behavior plenty of times on my blog. She has attempted to depict herself as some kind of victim of mine continuously speaking publicly of me.  However the truth of the matter is she is the catalyst for all issues she claims she has with me. I have tried on numerous occasions to clear up any type of issue this woman and I may have had in the past. I do not personally know this woman. We have never met. We have never spoke directly to each other offline. She has used my name in a defamatory way to gain attention from the public. I have kept track of all of her negative behaviors and posted those behaviors to this blog.

 

I have spoke a number of times about my experience as a child. I have been extremely transparent about the molestation that I experienced. Sharing my story with others has proven to assist others during their healing process. Molestation happens inside of the black community more frequently than we discuss. These type of indiscretions thrive in privacy. I would have never thought that speaking about it with so much strength and honesty would cause anyone to have a negative response as egregious as the responses that I have received from some people inside of the black community.In addition to speaking about being molested as a child I was also very honest about how it affected my romantic relationships as I got older. Being molested as a child made me look at sexuality in an unhealthy manner. Not in a manner that included me participating in promiscuity but in a manner that made me fear copulation with either sex. The only time I could participate in intercourse would be while I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. My last relationship was an interesting one. We have a child together. It’s a surprise that we do because our relationship was not based around sex. When he decided that he no longer wanted to be a part of the relationship he viciously posted our text messages onto his own YouTube channel out of frustration. Misleading to the world as if he was this committed married man and I was his mistress he didn’t care about.

He was upset that I had honestly spoke about our breakup. He didn’t want his precious reputation ruined. He wanted everyone to believe that he was the perfect King that I had depicted him to be on my channel for so long. He wanted me to continue to praise this Phantom that he had created and introduced me to. A character that he had created to entertain me. Unbeknownst to me and my family he portrayed himself as the family man, my future husband and loyal friend. When truthfully he was none of the above.As he was playing victim, posting our text messages, exploiting something that was so sacred to me, he shared a text message of him telling me to make sure I bathed. Of course showering is never a problem for me nor was it for him. I was severely ill in a high-risk pregnancy and could barely sit up however I still managed to bathe. My pregnancy was a terrible experience. He never had any sympathy for me. He didn’t care. He didn’t check up on me. I still can’t believe that someone I cared for so deeply would behave in the manner he did. I was extremely catering and kind. I was understanding and patient. I shared my time and my money with this man. I washed his clothes and cooked his food. I drove him to work and brought him lunch. I met his coworkers and his family. This was someone I put all of my trust into. Yet instead of coming on to my channel like I had invited him to so that he could have addressed anything he wanted in regards to what I had said about our break up, he decided to maliciously create his own channel. Only to mislead everyone into believing I was the worst person in the world. I spent most of my time with this man laughing having fun cuddling and holding hands yet he made it seem like I was nothing to him. I told him about how I was molested when I was young. I talked to him about my fears. I talked to him about my desires and my goals and at the end of the day he still betrayed me by interacting with someone he shouldn’t have. Once the public saw the text message we shared about bathing suddenly a rumor started about how I smell. He started to help others perpetuate this rumor that I had vaginal smell. Including LaVonya Edwards. So instead of me taking it to heart negatively I decided to promote a product call Boric Life from a company called Nutri-Blast that helps women with their feminine hygiene. Even though I don’t have the problem myself. I know there are plenty of other women who have experienced the issue. If it wasn’t a problem for most women there wouldn’t be so many feminine health care products.Me promoting this product only happened after two years of being made fun of for vaginal odor that I don’t even have. I spoke in detail during my pregnancy about how different I smelled in general. I also spoke about how one of the symptoms of pregnancy was that anything I smelled made me nauseous. My son’s father’s smell made me nauseous my entire pregnancy. Even when he wasn’t around and I recalled how he smelled it made me nauseous. It wasn’t a usual problem he had unless of course he didn’t eat properly. He had digestive issues. He was on a strict diet and if he wasn’t disciplined enough to stay on this diet he begin to smell. He also had poor oral hygiene. Which was something that he admitted to me after a few months of us being together. He had a nasty excessive habit of spitting. However he did whatever he could to make sure that he did not have a foul odor. These weren’t things I made fun of him about. They were just things that I learned to accept about him, maturely. Unfortunately, he did not return that same maturity.After the release of these text messages I was severely harassed by someone in particular. She used YouTube to create videos about me speaking about my vaginal smell. Speaking of it like she had smelt me herself. For three years now she has made content consistently making defamatory statements about my vagina. She has maliciously lied publicly telling people I have vaginitis and STDs. During a conversation I had about the rumor that was so viciously being spread I said that when I was molested for 6 years during my childhood the men that were molesting me would say that I had vaginal odor. I spoke about how I was aware that when men wanted to make their exs upset or angry  they would call her crazy or say that she has vaginal odor. The equivalent of a woman out of frustration saying that her ex has a small penis.

I was molested as far back as I can remember. I was a child when I was being told that I have vaginal smell. this was being told to me by someone who was cruel and demented. this wasn’t something that was actually true. However, after I made the statement LaVonya Edwards the person who was creating all of the videos about my feminine hygiene twisted that statement and told everyone that I said a whole bunch of men I’ve slept with told me I had vaginal smell. When that was something I never said. Let’s be clear. I said that

when I was a child my stepfather was molesting me and in order to make me feel bad about myself he was telling me ( a six-year-old) that I had vaginal odor.

I know that males say cruel things like that to females to hurt them. Even if I did have vaginal odor, for a woman (almost 50 year old) to continuously make content online for three years in a row about my vagina said something about this woman’s need for a mental health professional. It’s unfortunate to me that any woman what make fun of another as far as something as sensitive as this topic. As women we take pride in our femininity, our motherhood, are marriages, our careers, and our sisterhoods. For any Black woman to lack compassion for another or to place criticism on another for something as severe as the effects of molestation speaks volume about the ignorance inside of the black community. It shows how we have a lack of compassion and understanding for each other’s trials and tribulations. We no longer care about each other’s heart breaks And misfortunes. My Hope for women today as well as women in the future is to have better friendships and better communication during times of controversy or disagreement. I hope that women begin to carry themselves in a more respectable manner so that when they look into the life of another woman instead of placing judgment or being malicious, cruel, jealous or egregious, we extend our hand graciously. Equipped with love and support, with genuine concern and kindness.Being molested was a terrible experience and publicly speaking about it took strength. even my mother took to social media and spoke about it. these are the real conversations that need to take place amongst black women. in a non-judgmental Zone. No woman No Woman should condone any man speaking maliciously or disrespectfully about another woman. In the presence of a real valuable woman all women shall be respected. No man will be able to verbally or physically abuse any woman in my presence. That treatment will not be allowed or tolerated. I will never be a vehicle of belligerent expression that carries the disrespect of feminity. As you grow older always have respect for other women when you are one. Instead of being as disgraceful powerless and castrated (female genital mutilation) as LaVonya Edwards, respect other woman’s motherhood respect other woman’s femininity and most importantly respect the vaginas of other women. Especially when they respect their own.

I’m not hurt by the statements. They just aren’t true. Anyone who is making such a terrible statement like these are angry that I am no longer associating with them. My son’s father included.

Lies Men Tell About Black Single Mothers

There are several topics that are sensitive to single mothers of all colors and ages. Whether we have never been married, we are divorced or we are widowed, holidays can be very hard. Sometimes, because our children are with their Fathers. Court proceedings such as custody battles and/or child support that are stressful also can be overwhelming for single mothers. Some of us care about labels so when people classify our home as a broken one it can be annoying. As if patriarchy has an 100% success rate. If our child or children have extracurricular activities it can be overwhelming to have to handle it alone. Outside of that, society’s perception of single mothers is off the mark. The stigmas put on us are ridiculous. Most of us want to tell you all that we are being blamed for a much larger problem then most are being honest about. We aren’t even the catalyst for people’s shallow agendas. People only believe in statistics when it’s suitable for them or it fits some sort of weird point they are trying to prove. Here are some lies that I’ve heard about us that are so outlandish I can’t begin to describe my disgust with them.

Lie #1 Single Mothers create criminals. – I’ve seen it plenty of times on true crime docuseries. But guess what else I’ve seen. People commit crime who grew up with both of their parents in the household. Crime is usually about the lack of education, low income, drug, physical or sexual abuse, POVERTY. It is not about household structure. There are plenty of single mothers who have structure inside of their homes.

Lie #2 Single Mothers are on welfare. – Damn near everyone on social media had to beg me to file for WIC, Foodstamps and Child Support during my entire pregnancy. I was refusing to get it. I was sick and wasn’t working and still found a way to generate income. I ended up using WIC for about 3 months. I’m not on SECTION 8 or no kind of government assistance. My child support payments are low because of how much money I make. My son’s father gets away with paying chump change a month for a child he has never seen before. He asked to be on child support and DNA testing. So…here we are. I’m living in a half a million dollar home in California. I’m happy and living well. I run a well oiled Matriarch in an affluent neighborhood. We do NOT live in the inner city. I have a college degree. I have a job in IT and several business. It took me a year to get off the streets pregnant and homeless after my son’s father abandoned me. People keep thinking Single Mothers are weak or dumb when in actuality we are neither.

Lie #3 Black women can’t properly raise children by themselves. – What children need is an authority figure regardless to gender. It’s not about whether a woman is single or married. It’s about whether or not she can discipline a child. I took child development classes in High School and College. Even to this day I still make sure I read up on parenting just to make sure I’m doing the right thing for my children. As long as a child respects their parental influence they will turn out just fine. They need food, shelter, clothing, guidance, love and attention. As a well rounded adult, shaping a mind will most likely be easy for you regardless of your gender. I didn’t suddenly become incapable of being a parent simply because some man walked out my life. I’m glad he removed his toxicity from the situation. Lastly, you know who else are single mothers? Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian and Indian women. No one says these women can’t properly raise their children.

Lie #4 Single mothers are loose women. – I haven’t had sex since my first trimester of pregnancy. He’s 15 months old now. The last person I had sex with was his father. It takes 1 time to have sex to end up pregnant. You don’t have to have sex with a football team 20 times in one day in order to procreate. The short period of time I was exploring my sexuality in my early 30s I didn’t get pregnant. Partially because I’m one of those women that is all about birth control and STD prevention.

“Part of the lie is also that… we ended up pregnant because we weren’t thinking ahead, didn’t care about consequences, and just wanted to get laid, or worse, trap a man. Regardless of the reason for wanting to have intercourse, until further notice, the act requires two willing parties of the opposite sex to create a baby.”

-Ashly Simpo

What I’d like for people to realize is that there are plenty of reasons why Fathers are absentee. It isn’t always because some gold digger trapped him for a child support check, or that the now single mother was a side chick or mistress. It could be that the father is deceased, incarcerated, on active military duty, or the father may have a hefty work schedule. There are a so many reasons why women end up taking care of children alone even if they are MARRIED. The main reason why women are single mothers is not because of promiscuity. Whether we had sex with 1 man or 100 we are single mothers because the fathers are MIA. Stop letting these men off the hook by considering them collateral damage. They are not victims of some single mother’s plot to destroy.

Lie #5 Single Mothers are a societal mishap. Some of us made a choice not to have an abortion or put our babies up for adoption. Some of us adopted our kids or had IVF. We ALL had plenty of options outside of raising kids alone. But we CHOSE to push forward. That takes strength and isn’t something that needs to continuously be frowned upon. It takes bravery to do this. Some of us planned our families and life still hit us with a curveball. Just because we are raising kids alone doesn’t mean that we are bad at parenting or that society should continue to throw stones.

Lie #6 Fatherlessness leads to Youth Delinquency.

People need to have the same energy when they speak about divorce rate statistics when they talk about single mother statistics.

Claiming the absence of fathers causes lawlessness in Black youth is misleading when the available evidence is only a superficial connection. There are numerous events or statistics that happen to coincide with each other, but that doesn’t mean there’s a cause and effect relationship.

For example, swimming pool drownings and ice cream sales both increase in the summer, they share a relationship – that doesn’t mean eating ice cream leads to drowning! It just means two, independent events have a superficial connection based on other factors. In the case of drownings and ice cream, it’s the change in weather, a factor that greatly influences the cause and effect. – Sincere Kirabo

This narrative also reinforces negative frames of mind towards Black Women. Again if a child is taught discipline and respect they will turn out fine.

Lie #7 Black Women are the reason for social & economic failure within our community. So let’s just forget about racism and things associated with it that have stopped a lot of these men from succeeding? Why not factor in why Black Men are unemployed? Why they choose NOT to get formal education? Why do some Black Men prefer to invest in street pharmaceuticals instead of starting lucrative businesses? Parents can provide for their children to the best of their ability and children will still grow up and make decisions that parents did not raise them to make. Because the next generation grows up different from the last there are certain things parents will never be able to guide their children through. When my parents were growing up there was no such entity as the internet. Social media has damn near tore all kinds of friendships and relationships apart. I don’t believe anyone was prepared for that. Their are some grand parents out there who can’t even fathom the concept of UBER.

Lie #8 Single Mothers are desperate to find a man. Especially one with money. I believe because men are so superficial when they are choosing women that they can’t seem to grasp the concept of a woman being completely fine without them. Don’t be arrogant enough to believe that every single mother is on the prowl looking for you to come and assist her with her children. Most of us don’t even have time to date. Most of us take pride in raising our kids alone. A lot of us believe you’ll be more of a hindrance than anything.

Lie #9 We did it for the child support check. Haaaaaa! Unless the fathers of our children are celebrities or damn near millionaires our child support checks are chump change. My child support is $260 a month. I spend that in California in a day just by going to the grocery store, filling up my gas tank and paying my landscaper. The expenses of a child are so high I can’t begin to come up with an guestimate. The check is minuscule and not worth it. When some mothers found out I received $260 a month they told me I was lucky. It’s single mothers out there getting $50. All because they generate more income than the fathers of their children. Some mothers don’t even receive the full payment. I know in the state of California if a single mother has filed for child support and is on government assistance the state takes a large percentage of that child support to pay itself back for whatever monetary assistance it provided for the mother.

Lie #10 Single Mothers are miserable and hurt they were left to take care of their kids alone. I am so happy. I am so excited about not having to deal with men, especially the father of my child. I am glad he chose to be an absentee. He has absolutely NO SAY WHATSOEVER in how my son is raised. That in itself has me ecstatic. I get to raise my son my way and bring proper men into his life who are more respectful towards women, have better moral character, have much more to offer and can teach him how to be a good man. I AM SO HAPPY! Had my son’s father continued to show good moral character I most likely wouldn’t be a single mother. He made a poor choice by entering into a relationship he was not prepared to be in. He made plans with me in regards to marriage and building a legacy. He shouldn’t have put me in a position to believe he was ready to move forward. I wanted a baby for such a long time so my son finally being here is the best thing that’s happened to me. I am completely fine with his father excusing himself. He wasn’t the nicest man in the world during my pregnancy and his toxicity showed it’s face. I’d prefer he keeps his unhappiness far away from me and my son. Thanks for the sperm. Moving on.

Lie #11 Men are not the problem. Sorry to inform you but men who abandon their children are fucked up in the head. Broken men have an issue with fathering children.

Lie #12 Single Mothers still have feelings for their ABSENT DEADBEAT BABY DADDIES. It took me all of almost 2 years to get over being humiliated, betrayed, misused, misled and abandoned. One thing I didn’t do after he said he didn’t want our baby was beg him to come back. He chose other women over his son. It took me until my son’s first birthday to stop begging him to be a father. I never begged him to be back with me. I definitely begged him to be a father. What I currently feel about my son’s father is more of disgust and all things negative that I can only describe as hatred. Only for lack of a better term. One thing I can reassure everyone is that I do NOT love him. I do NOT miss him and I do NOT want him. I told him I never wanted to see him again the day he decided to leave and I haven’t seen him since. I thought about doing what was best for my son by asking his father to see him. I invited him to California for his birth. I offered to fly back to GA for our son’s first birthday so they could meet. His father showed his ass and declined. I guess he confused that concern for my son with me being interested in him romantically. I would never let that scum of the earth have a second chance with me. So why would I even allow him to be around my son? When I finally asked myself that question I begin to celebrate his absence. I moved 2,000 miles away from GA to CA during my pregnancy apparently I had no problem moving on.

I never thought I’d actually be a Single Mother but now that I am one it feels great. I thought it would be different. I realized that I am doing the same thing I would have been doing had my son’s father stayed around. I’d still be avoiding drama and living a positive life. The only difference is my son’s father isn’t around creating problems when he should be providing solutions. I’m glad he moved out the way so that a better man can come along.

Not all single mothers are ratchet and ghetto, broke and uneducated. Nor are they pining over their exs. A lot of us are living just fine. We have new men. We are in healthy relationships. We are married or remarried. Most of us grind harder than men. We are new age, we can provide for ourselves now. Don’t believe the negative hype surrounding you about single mothers. Most of it is created by people who can’t do self evaluation. Times have changed. The traditional beliefs in regards to single mothers are old and tired. Move along.

richsinglemomma.com

Celebrities and successful people who were raised by single mothers:

Usher

Justin Beiber

Mariah Carey

Michael Phelps

Alicia Keys

Jon Stewart

Christina Aguilera

Jay Z

Barack Obama

Angelina Jolie

Halle Berry

Jodie Foster

Demi Lovato

Ariana Grande

Selena Gomez

Leonardo DiCaprio

Adele

Kanye West

Eva Mendes

Eddie Murphy

Demi Moore

Keanu Reeves

Pierce Bronsan