Cyntoia Brown Barred From Being Around Stepson Due To Criminal Conviction
Cyntoia Brown must stay away from her 11-year-old stepson after a judge recently granted a restraining order filed by the boy’s mother. Stacy Kirkland shares a son with Jamie Long, the former Pretty Ricky member and Christian rapper whom Brown married while she was in prison.
According to documents obtained by Bossip, Kirkland is “extremely” concerned about the safety of her son with Long, and does not believe he “will take proper measures to protect” the child from “danger.” Kirkland lives in Texas with their son, while Long moved to Tennessee where he lives with Brown.
The judge approved Kirkland’s request after Long failed to respond. Long is not allowed to take the boy outside of the state or discuss the case in front of him.
Would you allow your children to be around their new stepmom who was once convicted of murder and then granted clemency? #singlemomlife
Okay, you might be asking yourself, is it really possible to raise a child to become a baby mama or daddy? Like, are parents actually out here training their kids to be solo-dolo moms and dads, for God sakes? Or, better yet, I know a few of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “here comes another self-righteous asshole looking down their nose on non-married people with kids!”– I get it. Parenthood is hard enough, especially when the task is taken on alone, or even as part of a co-parent situation; the last thing any single parent needs, then, is another conservative, “Yaaay, I dodged a bullet”, know it all, telling them how to raise, or in this case, not raise their kids.
So, I’m not going to do that– pass judgment, that is. Instead, I’m going to use those three fingers that always point back at someone, when one points out of course, to tell my own story in three parts. So here goes: The first thing I should note, is that I am married, although most people already know that. Number two–My husband and I have five children, which many of my readers already know as well. Number three, however, is what might be more of a shocker– and that is how I was not married when I conceived my first child. Feel free to clutch your pearls and gasp!
See, what had happened was this, Des, (who was just my boyfriend at the time), and I, thought it would be a great idea for me to ditch my graduate school dormitory, and for him to move out of his slum lord apartment, so that the two of us could shack up. It just made sense. We could save on bills, enjoy movie nights and pizza in bed whenever we wanted to, and most importantly, have easy access to early morning sex– a duh! I mean, what twenty-something year old wouldn’t want that? Everything was perfect– even without furniture and in spite of our overpriced rent, until the day I regailed that extra pink line on my doomsday, I mean pregnancy stick.
Of course I was shocked; the trepidation of not knowing what my life would look like with a child, replaced what should have been a feeling of joy. Des and I had talked about getting married, eventually, but nothing was set in stone. I’ll never forget the day we told my mother: in a restaurant, over pasta and salad, we showed her our plastic truth stick (gross, I know, but hey, we were twenty-ish and dumb) and my mom simply cried. Later, she admitted that her worst fears had come true: I was unmarried and pregnant and might have to raise a child alone.
But now, let’s talk about how crazy both of our reactions were, (my mother’s and mine), especially since there had been no Whodini stunt, nor was I the victim of an immaculate conception. I got pregnant the good old fashioned way because we weren’t using protection. It really shouldn’t have been a shock. More importantly, though, the title of baby mama was the very status that I had been groomed for from childhood, and I would have become that, had it not been for our (shotgun) wedding. Let me explain how:
I Had Little to No Examples! Virtually every woman I knew growing up, raised their children without fathers in the home. That was my norm. Fathers came around, sometimes, and gave financial support, occasionally. They rarely lived with the women they had children with and they certainly weren’t married. The married couples I saw growing up were either on television, or, if I encountered them in real life, they didn’t look like me.
My Bar Wasn’t Set That High. In grade school, my aunt promised me $100 if remained childless until after my high school graduation. In my family, having a baby before marriage wasn’t what brought you shame, it was more so being a teenaged mom. At around 19, this same aunt gave me the conception green light. I’d not only graduated from high school, but I was also working, and (in her eyes) somewhat self-sufficient. This meant I’d met my family childbirth standards and could now get pregnant without being shunned. As for my mother and her opinion on the subject, well, let’s just say I had her example, instead of her words.
I Had No Actionable Plan. So this one was a bit trickier; as far as having children and being married, I knew I wanted both, but I never really considered the order in which I’d get them. If I had actually taken the time to think about it, I might have been just a little more hesitant about that whole shack up and anytime sex situation with Des. I also would have likely been prepared for, and thus excited about my first pregnancy, instead of just surprised and confused.
My mother, my aunt, and all the women in my family did the best they could to steer me in a positive direction, still they couldn’t prepare me for what they didn’t know. Now, I have the benefit of using the blueprint of their lives and combining it with mine, to help my sons and daughters make better choices. Here’s how:
I Always Speak of Their (future) Husbands and Wives. Little girls love to fantasize; I know from personal experience, and now having two daughter of my own, I see it with them even more. When they speak on boyfriends, or love, or dating, however, I make make it a point to tie those things to their future husband. For example, if my daughter, who is ten, mentions dating, I’ll say something to this effect, “never date someone who wouldn’t make a good husband.” Then we’ll go into all the things that make a man husband material. Or, when my youngest daughter talks about being a mommy, I always address the topic in a plural sense. So, for example, I’ll say, “when you and your husband have a baby,” or, “you need to be married first,”. I do the same thing with my sons. “Never have sex with a woman you couldn’t see being your wife,” is something I say to them often. When my sons balk at doing hard tasks, I’ll remind them of the wife and children who’ll one day depend on them. The takeaway is this: This type of dialogue lets our children know what our family expectations are and helps them to develop a marital mindset.
I Put My Own Marriage on a Pedestal. Ask any one of my children who my favorite person is and even my youngest, who is five, will answer “Dad”. In fact, my kids often tease me when I whine about missing Des and say, “Sheesh, Dad hasn’t even been gone that long.”, but I can’t help it. Yes, I absolutely adore my children; Each one occupies a piece of my heart that makes up one whole. Nevertheless, as much as I love them, their Father is the one person I most want to spend time with, cuddle with, hang out with, and talk to, because he was there before them and will (fingers crossed) be there after they’ve gotten families of their own. The Takeaway is this: We’re instilling in our children the critical importance of putting your marriage first and that successful families have a natural and meaningful order.
I Encourage Them To Be Intentional.When it came to areas such as education and career, I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve and how to accomplish it. Regarding love and starting a family, however, I was way more willy-nilly and unprepared. That’s why I’m teaching my children to be methodical about both. For instance, I pose questions that make them think about how a family will fit into their long term goals. I advise them about the pitfalls of reckless sex and ways of avoiding them, and I give them examples of how their choices will effect them for generations. The Takeaway is this:We are instilling into our children the concept that planning for a family is as crucial, if not more so, than planning for an education or career.
Now, for the critics– the ones who’ll point out that there aren’t any guarantees; the ones who’ll swear that kids are going to do what they want regardless, I’d tell them all that they’re right. See, our children have these peculiar things in them called, minds of their own. Despite all of our teachings and best efforts, they will ultimately make their own decisions in life. Still, the optimist in me can’t help but try anyway. Sure, I could miss the mark as a parent, in getting them to not be a baby mama or daddy, but, I will absolutely miss it if I just do nothing. I’d say, I have a good 50/50 chance. Plus, I already have proof this goal is acheivable. I came from a clan full a baby mama’s, and now just look at me– I’m a stressed-out happily married mother of five nerve-wracking beautiful kids. That’s a hell-of-enough evidence for me!
Tell us what you think? Are parent’s really out here raising kids up to be baby mamas and daddies? If so, tell us how and if not, tell us why? We want to hear from you!
One of the first things I did after I gave birth was open up a trust fund for my son. After, being homeless and pregnant, abandoned by his father and moving 2,000 miles away from Georgia to California. So I could have a better life, I promised myself I’d never live another day in poverty and neither will my children. My oldest Daughter Dominique, 19, has lived a life of privilege because both her dad and I were able to provide a good life for her. She also experienced life without the financial assistance of her dad and I. On the road to financial freedom I wanted to make sure that both of my children understand generational wealth and the lack thereof. As a single mother, society often pins the poverty ball and chain to our ankles. As if the absence of a man, father or husband deems us incompetent. Granted 100 years ago there were things women weren’t allowed to do. Like, vote, stand up against sexual harassment, get a credit card, serve on a jury, run a marathon, attend an Ivy League college, stay on the job during pregnancy, be taken serious in the military or on the police force, or get an abortion. Thanks to the feminists now we get to tie our own shoes and everything.
There are some disadvantages of being a single mother and one is a decreased income after divorce or break ups. What slips everyone’s mind is that the man leaving the marriage also takes a financial hit. If after a divorce a husband becomes a single father would people suddenly disrespect him how they do single mothers? No! They’d praise him for standing up and taking care of his children without their mother. Of course family income is great. There is a partnership in place there. If you are married the joint income is highly beneficial. If you’ve never been married and receive child support benefits or not you can still have financial stability. People forget to mention how empowering it is to do things on your own regardless of your gender.
YOU get to decide how to spend your money.
YOU make the financial plans.
YOU will also be able to help your children understand finances and teach them to manage money better.
Being a single parent will mean that you help your child be a team player and work together as a team, instead of making your child rely on you for every little thing. Your child will learn the importance of planning and handling his or her actions. When you want to do something for the house, such as get a new piece of furniture or even go grocery shopping, chances are you will always ask your child for their opinion. Not only will it make your child feel important, but it will also instill a sense of responsibility that will come from participating in team work and everyday decision-making process. – Debolina Raja
Of course we as single mothers need a support system. But the outdated stigma placed on us has begin to remove itself. People are starting to understand that a single parent home is just a different home not a broken one.
Children in single parent families spend more one-on-one time with their parent. This allows the two to establish a closer bond with one another.
Children from single parent homes are taught how to be responsible early on.
Independence develops early on, making the child come out ahead of others his or her age in that regard.
Two parents aren’t necessary for success. Friends and relatives of either gender can teach children. There are children who still end up being great human beings because they at least had 1 great parent. All it takes is a good loving disciplined environment for a child to turn out well rounded whether they are raised by a male or female, parent or guardian. It takes a village, I say. I need all of the positive collaborators I can stand. A child doesn’t need just his father or just his mother. A household doesn’t come crumbling to the ground simply because a man isn’t present in it. Children do step outside of their homes and run into all types of influences that can be detrimental or helpful to the process of their growth.
Fortunately, for me I am not on government assistance. I was encouraged to do so and some people even refuse to believe to this day that I’m not on it. Even though SECTION 8 is closed in San Francisco people automatically assumed I was on it once I moved into one of my new homes earlier this year. Instead of celebrating that I went from homelessness to now living in a beautiful home, they begin to discredit my efforts and improvements. Some assumed I’d stay homeless forever. Not realizing that I am a college educated, very determined, intelligent woman who also happens to be resourceful. I made a poor choice in trusting a man to lead me. Trusting him with my survival turned out to be detrimental to me and the son we conceived together.
Contrary to what’s being force fed to the masses these stereotypes hold no validity to me and the single mothers I associated with:
Single moms are the least likely women to get married or remarried.
Children in single-parent families always have deficits, do poorly in school and suffer emotionally and behaviorally.”
Children raised by single moms actually resent and hate their mothers”
Single mothers are unable to give their sons the upbringing that they need and once they have to face the world, they prove to be failures since they lacked a man living at home.
Youth raised by a single mom are at higher risk for substance abuse.
Children are at greater risk of physical abuse in single mother households than in single father households.
High Youth Crime Rates are a direct result of not having a father at home.
Single moms are lonely and have a hard time finding a new man.
A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother.
Children growing up without a father in the home are more than twice as likely to end up in jail.
Not only am I proof that all of those statements are untrue. I am not the only adult who was raised in a single parent home that turned out decent. Of course I’ve made mistakes just like the average person but this wasn’t because I was sporadically raised by a single mother. It’s because I was not taught certain things that most parents both mother and father teach their children. I learned from valuable lessons from the people in my family as well as some poor habits. My mom was somewhat negligent. Mainly because of her work schedule and tending to my step father and his shenanigans. Don’t get me started on that. After meeting my biological Father I’m glad she kept him away from me. He was a mess. He was dishonorably discharged from the military…..let that sit with you.
My mother was an accountant. She didn’t teach me much about accounting. She just handed me a check book with my name on it. I was confused. I’ve always had an interest in finance, economics, business, technology, psychology, sociology, spirituality and metaphysics. I knew one day that these interests would generate me multiple sources of income. I started my first job at 15 and my first business at 18. I am currently a business owner. I love what I do. There is still room for improvement.
Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com to get tips on how to improve your finances.
This ride has been a wild one though. I’ve been evicted twice and homeless twice. Let me just say homeless and pregnant is much more severe that my college days of sleeping on my friend’s couch and eating top ramen, oriental flavor. This was a whole different level. Ending up in a domestic violence shelter and not knowing where my next meal would come from is terrifying. So now more than ever I think about what I’d do in the future in case something drastic happens. It’s all about simply making better choices. Like choosing a credit union instead of a traditional bank account, avoiding debt and not relying on a man to provide for me and my children. It makes no sense for women to be out here screaming “MISS INDEPENDENT” then the second they have a child they want to rely on a man for financial stability. Feminists have been out here fighting for us to do our own thing. Stop relying on these men for your survival. Co parenting and even marriage are a partnership. If you choose the wrong man you will still be living in poverty whether you are married to him or not.
Like I told YouTuber Paris Milan after her community post:
Oooh chile, y’all triggered on the last post. According to y’all, majority of single mothers became that way after a divorce, widowed, or if they had em out oow then they are NOT struggling financially. My question is, does a man’s income whom you have your child with, NOT make a difference? Is that a figment of my imagination?
I said: Majority of the single moms I know in Northern California are divorced and arent black. It isnt a man’s income that’s important. It’s his ability to be committed to the partnership. We can make money together. If his income matters SO DOES MINE. We are a team.
A friend of mine and I were discussing my interest in opening a Laundromat and buying into a Franchise. He told me that he and his wife opened a laundromat then bought a Chick-Fil-A. She has since passed away and he just closed on an apartment building. They were both making 6 figures a year and they have 2 children. He is a single father now. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would’ve done the same thing he did for their children. He said it was her that believed in him and saw in him what he didn’t see in himself. She helped him become successful before she passed away. Yes a blessed union between two people is admirable but at the same time if something happens to one parent the other needs to kick into gear.
My son’s father was not in the best place financially when my son was born. I knew he wasn’t financially stable when I met him. So my goal was to encourage him to improve. When I met him I was financially getting back on my feet from a hard hit. Then my pregnancy threw me for a loop and I was struggling myself, AGAIN. My son’s father was no help. While severely ill instead of him working harder to keep us afloat until I could get back in place he ran and left me to fend for myself. He encouraged me to move back in with my ex. Like that made sense. I was supposed to ask my ex to let me move in with him while I’m pregnant by another man? What type of Maury Povich, Love & Hip Hop bullshit was he on? It wasn’t until months later I realized that he asked me to move in with my ex because his ex was his crutch and he could go move in with her with ease. She played his momma on more than one occasion. I ended up in a roach motel doing crowd funding and asking for donations from people I knew on social media. It was embarrassing but I had to do it. Other people helped me moved to California. If it wasn’t for their kindness I wouldn’t be here. My son was financially taken care of the first year of his life. We had raised a lot of money. He had all of the clothes and toys he needed. I owe my friends, family, associates, business partners and supporters my life. Had they not been pulling for me and wanting me to get out of the mess I was in I don’t think I would’ve made it.
My 19 year old daughter, Dominique and I talk about generational wealth all of the time. We think about multiple ways to generate income that will last in our family for centuries. We want to give our kids and our kids, kids something to build off of. I’ve taught her the important of building and investing her money. She uses an app called Acorns to help her with her investments and uses CashApp for her bitcoins. I was so proud of her this morning when I dropped her off at the San Francisco International Airport. She was dressed in her business casual attire, ready to hop on a first class United Airlines flight. She was headed to Washington, DC to see her Father and his side of the family. The fact that my daughter has been on an airplane under the age of 21 3x the amount of times I took flight under that age is impressive. She is simply a better version of me. It’s extraordinary. Not only is she investing in herself I myself have invested in a life insurance policy and an irrevocable trust fund for my son. I can place cash, stock, real estate or other valuable assets in his trust. My goal is to put whatever property I purchase after buying into a franchise into my son’s trust. He will only be able to receive monthly payments from his trust AFTER he has completed 4 years of college. The stipulation is that he has to complete 4 years of college and receive a Bachelor’s Degree before he is 25 years of age. Or he can use the money if he has expenses due to an injury or disability. The child support payments that are currently being garnished from his Father’s pay are going into his trust fund account. The goal is to make this a lasting legacy for my grandchildren as well.
Living in San Francisco, California, I am in a completely different tax bracket than I was when I resided in Atlanta, Georgia. We are all millionaires here. It’s another standard of living. I wanted to challenge myself. I have and I’ve grown. Something as simple as learning what a net income is, or what EBITDA stands for is a good place to start for anyone on the path to financial freedom. Everything is a learning process. I’ve taken my experiences and used them as a way to motivate myself to not only generate more money but to manage it better. My legacy has always been important to me. Becoming an exceptional mother is a the top of that list. Part of what makes me a good mom is being able to provide for my children and teach them how to be self sufficient. My son is 16 months old now by the time he turns 18 he will be a multi-millionaire. I’ll make sure of it.
Some people have held my past choices against me. I’ve heard someone have the nerve to tell me my past was checkered. Not that that wasn’t an accurate statement but I was confused. They spoke of my past like they didn’t have one and I was convicted of murder in the first degree. A checkered past is one that involves periods of time that were good and periods of time that were bad. So why are people so judgmental like they have never made a mistake or had bad taste? People are always talking about what you used to do like they never shit their pampers. Somebody broke up with me during my pregnancy. It’s not unheardof. I was a lingerie model, wasn’t the first one. Definitely wasn’t the last. I was honest about havin sex with a married man almost 10 years ago. Mistresses and side chicks are more common than the average person wants to admit. I’ve been transparent about it all on purpose. Why? Because these are things people are afraid to be honest about because they’ll be ridiculed. Meanwhile those same people who ridicule the most have done worse.
I remember why I was a mistress. Before I made that choice I kept getting hurt and abused. I was cheated on over and over. I was trying to get over the woman I used to be. The faithful one. The one who was pressed for marriage. The woman with the engagement ring on, cooped up in the house, waiting for my fiance to come back in town. While he was out frolicking with his side chick in Miami, his other side chicks in Atlanta would call my phone and brag about how good his d**k was. Yeah I was that dumbo. I finally got sick of it and freed myself. I tried anything I could sexually to open up. I did a split on top of a married man quick. Let me stop. I’m exaggerating. I wasn’t that savage. He wasn’t married when I met him. We were just friends at first. I knew he would be getting married eventually. I was just fine with him not wanting to do that with me. One would believe that this encounter would be the main reason why people chastise me most. NOPE….it’s that I’m a single mom. Yep. A single mom. No he didn’t get me pregnant. BY THE GRACE OF GOD! But I avoided relationships for almost a decade after that.
I have had poor taste in men sometimes, so I’ve been the woman out here with a bullhorn begging other women to not choose what I have. I don’t want to steal life lessons from the ladies but I do want women to avoid the heartache I have experienced. All over my YouTube channel I’ve tried my hardest to share stories of my mistakes as honestly as possible. Being a mistress didn’t even cause me heartache. It introduced me to a new way of doing things. New kinds of relationships and my own sexuality. Of course I’d never do it again. Not because I didn’t gain anything from the experience. But because I am no longer in that place. Also I don’t want to hurt another woman. I don’t encourage a married women to expect a mistress to protect her marriage or relationship when her own husband or boyfriend doesn’t have respect for it. I can also reassure women that if it’s not one woman it will be another if in fact your husband or boyfriend is hell bent on cheating. As insecure as I was I can tell you that the last person I was thinking about was his wife. I was trying to make it past my own pain daily. I spent most of that experience under the influence of alcohol, running from my own problems. I was heavily sedated throughout it ON PURPOSE. My experience with him served it’s purpose. Not like I fell in love. I was so broken from the relationships prior to my experience with him that I didn’t have the wholeness required to love anyone but my self. He was on my low level at the time. The kind of heartache that was the worse kind happened later on when I did fall in love with the wrong man and subjected myself to catering to a man that was not on my level intellectually, spiritually, financially or emotionally. I ended up pregnant and he abandoned us both. It doesn’t bother me that he left the relationship. I was more hurt at how he treated an innocent child. Our son is almost 2 and I’m considering taking another man serious. Here are some things I’m sure any new man who comes into my life could possibly be concerned about or that I myself am concerned about.
My new man will think: I’m still in love with my baby daddy and because we have a child together he’ll always be able to have access to me and myvagina.
Sorry to inform you but I’m sure he and I have a mutual hate for each other that is deep rooted enough to melt any type of love any person can imagine we have for one another. Unless people loved each other, kids won’t make them stick together. If it was meant for us to be with each other we probably wouldn’t have broken up to begin with. Especially being as though we have a child together. I wouldn’t let that serpent touch me. He has too many demons.
It’s hard to judge a book by its contents, when the cover tells a lying story. Lame males will front & play the role of a MAN when they first meet a woman, then once she gives him her heart & her loyalty before requiring his faithful commitment, he switches up & reveals himself for the mentally immature little boy he is. – Ebrahim Aseem
2. Some people think no one will want to help me raise my son. Men are terrified of the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s child.
Not every male is weak. There are real men out there who are Alpha and can handle the role of being a step father. It takes strength however it also takes maturity. Boys aren’t afraid of being stepfathers they are just too immature to handle that responsibility. When a grown man deeply loves a woman he loves all of her. Including her children because they are a part of her.
3. Some men are intimidated by me. I’ve achieved so much and I am extremely successful. Men will run from that.
In case you didn’t know, most single mothers are successful. They have money in the bank. We pay our own bills and do our own thing. A man is not necessary for our survival. HOWEVER, there are men out there who love that they are a luxury to us. They are happy to not be holding the burden of solely providing. They know that relationships are a partnership. And if I can hold my own without a man, as long as I am healthy, I can definitely hold up my end inside of a relationship.
4. Some men think I’m so desperate for marriage. And that because I’m a single mom when I date, I put all of my marriage hopes on that man. Even before marriage is mentioned, I show a manI am wife material.
A man is lucky if he can get a home cooked meal from me. Especially with me not being his wife yet. I honestly do not have the bandwidth to do anything spectacular for a man to take interest in me. He’s going to love me for exactly who I am because jumping through hoops will never be what I do. I have potty training to consider, fruit and veggies to mash up so my son can eat, I have a job, a business and side hustles to tend to. I do not have time to think about marriage. Even if I’m dating. I will be surprised if I’m proposed to. Marriage is another job. Most women who know better are not pressed to hop in one. People pressure us to be married because we didn’t get married to the father or fathers of our child or children. I have a standard that most men will never meet. My son’s father barely touched it while on his tippy toes. He definitely f***** up that opportunity by squandering his riches. It will take a man doing grand gestures of the romantic kind who has impeccable moral character for me to consider marrying him.
Stop with the assumptions fellas, start asking questions. Contrary what you’ve been told by beta males who are challenged in the penis department, dating a single mother is pretty cool. If you are going to date us this is what you need to understand.
Be prepared by being flexible with your schedule. We will not be hounding you around. We have too much to do. I will understand if you have to cancel.
Don’t assume the position of step dad. The idea that all single moms are dating with the exclusive goal of finding someone to marry us and alleviate some of the parenting burden and keep our kids from growing up in a Broken Home™ (*insert overly dramatic anguish face here*) is offensive, in addition to being laughably wrong in so many cases. Most women who do NOT have children are dating you for the exclusive goal of finding someone who wants to marry them.
Our homes are not BROKEN they are just DIFFERENT. Broken is the man who decided to abandon us. If he wasn’t he’d be the Father he protested he would be before our son was conceived. There was something wrong with HIM. Not me and my son. There is nothing broken about my home.
Stop thinking of me as a “SINGLE MOM” and just think of me as a woman that you are attracted to and want to go on a date with. I’m different from other women only because I have stricter boundaries than they do. I do not negotiate.
I am independent and resourceful. I’m raising my son alone. Do not expect me to be clingy or rely on you for everything. If you want space or time to yourself I will most likely respond, “OK”. Just like most single mothers would. We are used to being on our own.
The way single mothers love is different. We are unconditional. We learn to love harder because our kids are all we have. Our patience, love, and capability for nurturing has more depth because of our kids. If you’re good to us, you’ll have a more faithful, supportive and loving life partner than you’ve ever had.
I know what I want. I have reevaluated myself over and over and over. Trust me! That’s kind of what happens after you break up with someone and are left behind to take care of a child alone.
I am particular about who I date. I have a child to worry about I can’t just get down with any random man who makes empty promises.
Yes good guys date us. I’m a single mom not Quasimodo. Just because I’ve had a child doesn’t mean good men are walking around avoiding me.
I already have kids so I’m not going to pressure you to have them with me. My motherhood is not a separate island off the coastline of myself. It is part of me. Most women will want to date you just so they can marry you and procreate. I’ll be dating you for YOU.
I hope this helps. Please be sure to check out my latest The GodQueen Live Podcast episode. In it I talk about navigating the negative opinions associated with Single Motherhood and how men can handle them.
Fathers come in all forms. There are some really good fathers out there. Then there are some out there who don’t even acknowledge that they have children. Handling “baby daddies” has become a severe issue in recent years. Being as though single parenting has become extremely popular. It’s typical for women to use children as a weapon to extract revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings or breakups.
Just because two people have sex and the woman has a child does not indicate that the man who contributed is a father in anything but the technical definition of the word. It just means that his penis works. – Rebel Circus
There is a misconception that the only time a man abandons a child is if he and the woman he conceived a child with were never married. When the truth is most of the single mothers I have come in close proximity with are divorced. A woman can marry a man and when he decides to leave she can still go through an emotional rollercoaster with him as if they never agreed to terms and conditions of matrimony. When some of these men decide to start a new family with another woman they leave their ex wives and children completely behind, as if they do not exist. Men have displayed this behavior for decades now. This isn’t a new age problem. Men have been digging wholes they weren’t prepared to jump in for years.
Bring up the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are as diametric and unrelenting as bipartisan politics.
It is either:
Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers’ money — all of which is supported by the family court system. – Emma Johnson
I talk about these issues inside of the community often on my podcast THE GODQUEEN LIVE . Take a listen when you get the chance.
Most single mothers would have chose better male role models for their children had they been able to predict the future. Most women want strong providers. A man not taking care of his children financially is only 1 sign that a man is a deadbeat. There are several other signs that a Father is a deadbeat. Please, let me explain.
He breaks promises. He doesn’t know how to execute any plans or goals. It’s one thing to say you want to be a father. Or even be excited during a pregnancy but it’s another to actually wake up every morning day in and out investing time and energy into a tiny human being.
He never holds himself accountable and blames why he doesn’t provide for his children on everyone else. Most of the people in his life enabled him so taking responsibility for any of his issues would be too complicated of a task.
He acts carefree, like he doesn’t have children at all. This is a sign of immaturity. He hasn’t grown up. Progress is an important part of becoming an adult. If a man still has the same behavior he had 2 years ago and he hasn’t improved, then you can rest assured that this person is not someone you can depend on.
He downplays your accomplishments as a mother. You may be out here handling things on your own. Your kids are well taken care of. Buying your dream car or home. Starting your own business or getting a college degree. Somehow he’ll make it seem like these things are so easy to do. Even though he hasn’t accomplished those things himself. You have managed to become successful without him and that’s a hard pill for a man to swallow.
He didn’t make you a better person during the relationship. When you are in a good partnership the person you are tied to helps you grow. He challenges you to be the best version of yourself possible. Deadbeats make your life more complicated. You experience more drama and hardships.
He never has a straight answer for anything nor can he make a solid decision. He is a master of psychological games and manipulation. He talks in circles so much it makes you want to give up on adult conversation altogether and just get silent.
He surrounds himself with the wrong friends or crowd. Most of the people a deadbeat hangs around are enablers. There is no one around him to tell him he’s making poor decisions. If you have low life standards the people around you have low life standards as well.
He doesn’t take care of his own issues. These kind of men lack any sense of personal responsibility. He overlooks his own problems and expects everyone else to solve them. Keeping a steady job, a car or paying a mortgage seems to much of a responsibility for him.
He procrastinates. This is why he has not accomplished much. Putting things off until the last minute or giving up on things that may be challenging is a display of laziness. It’s a character trait that most men who are deadbeats have. They always believe that they have time to waste.
He’s petty. Yes, extremely. He thinks it’s cute. He was coddled most of his life. Don’t let you be the one to put your foot down. He’ll try to convince the world that you are the devil incarnate. He has contributed nothing worth mentioning to society let alone his relationship with his children but he still wants the world to believe he is God’s gift to you.
Now that we have established what a deadbeat dad is we have to focus on how to deal with one. Learning how to deal with the curse of a deadbeat dad is seemingly as difficult as cracking the Davinci Code. I’m going to share with you the advice most people would give you as far as how to deal with these deadbeats. Then I’m going to tell you how I deal with my sperm donor.
They say: Stop putting up with his incompetence. If you have enough patience to deal with the unintelligent you can baby step him through it. I personally don’t have time for that shit. Especially when I am dealing with a grown ass man. He is not a toddler or a puppy. I have a child to raise. I can’t be my ex’s mom too. That was his mother’s job.
They say: Offer him visitation rights for the right price. To me that attempt will be unsuccessful. Most deadbeats don’t want to see their kids anyway. They aren’t going to want to willingly pay to see them. Some deadbeats pay child support so they won’t look like a complete disgrace.
To me it’s a cop out or some type of pay off. Some type of QUID PRO QUO unsaid arrangement where a deadbeat obviously isn’t going to be around his children mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically but he’ll cough up chump change because it’s the least he can do. It is not about what you can or can’t do for yourself and your baby or what you do and don’t need. A portion of his earnings are owed to your child. Child support is the business side of separate parenting and should be addressed in a business manner. It’s nothing personal.
I didn’t want to put my son’s father on child support. He asked for it. I would have preferred him just being there for his son. Being able to see him when he wanted. Loving him. Taking pictures when he wanted. Going on vacation with him. I can’t live without my son’s hugs. It’s unfortunate that his father can’t experience that. They’ve never even met. Filing for child support got me that DNA test I wanted. I wanted to prove to everyone that he was lying about not being our son’s father. He knows he is his Father. He knew when I was pregnant. The DNA test was unnecessary on one side of the coin but a requirement on the other. As much as I hate the concept of child support, I filed. Not wanting to be an active participant in your child’s life does not alleviate the financial responsibility of having children. For either parent. I don’t need his money nor do I want it. That money isn’t mine it’s my son’s. I’m not going to get in the way of that.
Sometimes I think he makes our situation as complicated as possible because he wanted me to be the woman who still wanted a romantic relationship with him. But he turned me off during my pregnancy once he begin acting like he didn’t want to be a father to our child. It was unattractive. I don’t want someone that has blatantly said that they don’t want me for starters. I also think men who are non existent in their child’s life or are abusive to them do not deserve to breathe the same air I do. So imagine my surprise when the father of my child turned out to be that man. I had no problem letting him go. He wanted to leave. I wanted him to. My issue was never because of him wanting to leave me. My issue was that he waited until I was 5 months pregnant to decide he didn’t want to be a father. The issue is he abandoned US, leaving US to die in a roach motel while I was severely ill and in a high risk pregnancy. During tough times or challenges you don’t run like a bitch. You suit up and display the strength of a warrior.
They say: Ask him what he wants.
I did that…..good luck with getting a straight answer out of him.
A lot of men think that their “baby mommas” are women who wish they can still be with the fathers of their children. I was not interested. So the more I showed a lack of interest the more he tries to convince the world that I am not over him. When the truth is I never showed any sign that I still wanted to be in the relationship. Once he told me he wanted to get back with his ex, I was disgusted. I wasn’t about to play tug a war with another chick over d–k. I don’t have the patience for all of that. Now, It is very possible for him to love our child and not care a thing about me. I get it. Some women don’t. It may hurt to hear that for some but, it’s true. So far he hasn’t shown that that’s the case. He’s actually using our son as a pawn. He’s taking his frustrations out on our son by not being there for him because of his disdain for me. He doesn’t have to care about me but he will respect me. As the mother of his child and a human being. Or I simply won’t allow him to be around.
Some men can be manipulative—especially men who know it is in their best interest to keep custodial and child support payment arrangements outside of the courts by making a deal with you. So, what do they do? Say whatever they need to say to keep you satisfied—not happy but not angry enough to file papers either. If you want him to be your man, he’ll pose as a makeshift boyfriend. Don’t let your desperation to “fix” the situation or “make it right” turn you into a sucker for the okie-doke. – Nicole Williams
He tried to use my emotions against me. He actually called me trying to convince me to take him off child support claiming he wanted to be a good Father. Like suddenly the first week of January 2019 on some new year’s resolution tip he turned over a new leaf. He was just unemployed at the time and didn’t want to pay child support. Even to this day he is pissed off that his pay is being garnished.
I don’t talk bad to my son about his father. Kids grow up and see on their own who the problem is or was. I don’t dare make excuses for his ass either. My son will know that I do NOT play and I was not for the drama and lies when it came to co-parenting. I don’t want my son to resent me. So I won’t be the one to share with him that his father is a deadbeat. I’ll let my son decide with time how he feels and what he thinks about his father. I’m not even going to waste my energy painting a negative picture of him. I’ve shamed his father publicly. Mainly because he publicly humiliated me. So I had no choice but to clap back. I stand my ground with all 10 toes. It was part of me holding him accountable for his foolishness and I don’t regret it. Regardless to how much backlash I received from his enablers. They may not tell him where he did wrong but he gonna get in line messing around with me. He’s gonna be a grown man in my presence or he can keep his distance. I won’t settle for less.
So how do you deal with a deadbeat dad? Sorry honey but….ya don’t. Do without the drama. Let him be some other woman’s problem. I knew how he behaved once I was in my 6 month of pregnancy that he was going to be a deadbeat. He changed drastically. The man that was once excited I was pregnant had now become an ass. He knew it was all or nothing to me. I wasn’t going to allow a one foot in one foot out operation. He knew I wanted us to be a family. A complete one. We were on our way down the aisle. The plans were to be married then have children. God laughed at that plan and gave me a miracle baby that I thought was going to only be conceived once I found the right fertility clinic.
I’ve learned that you can’t change the way a person feels or what a person thinks about their children. When a person is severely damaged themselves they can’t even see the damage they cause in the lives of others. I’ve been fair. All I’ve asked for was his presence. Not for me to be placed on a pedestal. I do not feel a sense of entitlement. Apparently, I didn’t mean much to him before I gave birth or considering dumping me for his ex wouldn’t have been an option. (FYI he didn’t truly dump me for her. He was just using that as an excuse to end the relationship. They never did get back together. They claim to still be good friends though.) He chose her over his child. He has her respect as a man not mine. He’ll never get friendship out of me. I’ll only respect him if he chooses to be a better father to our son. How any woman can respect him abandoning a child is beyond me. I don’t want much from him at all. However, I do demand a level of respect for being the mother of his child. Since he doesn’t have an ounce of human decency to provide that, I rather not deal with him at all. It’s a boundary I set. I will not allow a man to disrespect me in front of my children. Period. I will not do that to him so I will not tolerate that from him.
Continue to be a supportive and loving mom to your child. One great parent is better than having two parents with one of the two being emotionally unattached to the child.
If it’s not about our son I really don’t have shit to say.
Establish boundaries. Do not entertain foolishness.
I deserve respect. He can’t give it then he will not be allowed to be around.
Do not feel sorry for your children.
Children deserve someone in their life who wants to be there. No sense in feeling sorry for your children because some deadbeat doesn’t want to be there. Does it make any sense to value a deadbeat? If he was father of the year then I could see you feeling sorry for your kids about his absence. I’m happy that my son has a healthy environment.
Be non emotional and logical.
As much as I can’t stand my son’s father I do NOT allow that to determine how I co-parent with him. I respect him as a Father. Since he has not played his position I have no respect for him at all. Husband and boyfriend is a different role than Father. Just because he was a terrible boyfriend to me doesn’t automatically make him a bad Father.
Teach emotional intelligence, healthy communication and positivity in your home.
That way toxicity and negativity will not be tolerated or introduced to your children by anyone in your household.
Do not argue with him.
I pretty much refuse to argue with my son’s father. He’ll get hung up on. I’ll excuse myself before I speak to him aggressively. I entertained 1 conversation with him since the birth of his son where we both lost control. Never again. I don’t have time for that. Arguments include emotions. Emotions that are not even worth addressing. Simply because they have nothing to do with our child. Since I’m logical I find it unnecessary to address emotional things or to fling insults. I’m not about to sacrifice years of happiness battling with an ex, trying to convince him to make contact with his own kid. That conflict can damage my child if he ever saw us do that in front of him.
On my YouTube Channel I promote that #SINGLEMOMLIFE It’s about empowering women to live positive healthy lives even though they are single. I am still a great mom even though my son’s father abandoned our son. My son will still grow up well rounded. I do not want to seek revenge on the father of my child. He doesn’t have that much power over me. I refuse to allow him to continue to rent space in my mind.
People who seek revenge instead of forgiving or letting go, tend to feel worse in the long run. Do you really want to waste your precious time on someone that doesn’t deserve it? Think of all the fun things you could be doing instead. Whether you believe in it or not, karma makes a much better friend than foe – make sure to keep on the right side of it. IF youseek revenge on the person who hurt you and they then take revenge on your revenge.. the cycle continues. Make sure you don’t get caught in a loop, it will only cause you further pain and hurt. It’s not worth it. MOVE ON. A better man will come and help you forget all about him. Stepfathers and good husbands are REAL. Don’t let the deadbeats fool you.
My happiness is more important than social media. I see too many people attempting to take my happiness from me in my comment section. So I disabled my comments and user ratings. I’ve always given out my address encouraging people to email me if they have video topic suggestions. I received this email. It was about a video I did about women who have multiple deadbeat baby daddies. I also spoke about how women should stop requiring that the Father that IS supporting his child also be financially responsible for the children of those deadbeat dads just so those children can feel equal.
I just finished watching your “More than 1 Baby Daddy?!? Single Mothers MUST stop doing this!!!” video and I must say that I was agreeing with most of what you had to say until you decided to judge women who have small children with more than one baby daddy. News flash: it doesn’t matter if your kids are 18 years or 18 months apart! You’re still gonna be looked at as a woman with multiple baby daddies. I’m not emailing you to attack you because that’s not what I do but your comments are turned off and it was disappointing to hear you appear to be talking down about and judging women who society looks at just like they look at you, even though your kids have a significant age gap: A Baby Mama with multiple baby daddies. Now, I do absolutely agree that a woman should use whatever child support money she gets towards the child/children that it’s intended for. That’s the correct thing to do. No one should be expectedto take care of kids that aren’t theirs, however if a man gets involved with a woman who they already know has (a) kid(s) by other men, common sense is going to tell him to walk away from that situation before he makes his own kid with her or realize that at some point some of whatever money that’s coming in is going to go towards all the kids at some point (not all the time) and if the man wants his kid to have specific items then buy those items outright instead of handing over money. If he’s making payments through the child support office I’m sure that if how the money is being used is in question, then he can request documentation/receipts/statements/proof on how the child support money is being spent. Worse come to worse, if he feels his child is not getting the financial support he provides or the care the child needs, then his next step should be trying to get primary custody. Once again, I’m not contacting you to attack you I’m just sharing my thoughts on your video. I watch your content fairly often because it’s good and will continue to do so.
I want to publicly address this. I responded to her. I thanked her for her comment however I also made sure to express to her that I was tired of everyone taking everything I say so personal when it’s just an opinion. Everyone is so over emotional and sensitive. All over social media. I need to do a video about self control and discipline one day soon. I think the lack of discipline on YouTube is most likely what annoys me most. Everyone wants to give their opinion but they are so emotionally invested in it like it effects their life specifically. Like their entire world shatters if someone disagrees. When it’s just dialogue, perspectives and entertainment. If whatever is being said doesn’t apply to you commenting on it negatively is a waste of energy. You can still comment remove the toxic passion.
I want to make a few things clear for the sensitive single mothers who feel judged.
She said:I was agreeing with most of what you had to say until you decided to judge women who have small children with more than one baby daddy.
I don’t know why everyone wants everyone to agree with them like independently thinking is a death sentence. My immediate internal response to this was IDGAF….it’s so unimportant. It’s odd to me that when someone agrees they have nothing valuable to say to me but when they disagree they type a long ass dissertation explaining why. #2 I’ve never been the type of person to not judge. I try but it’s not natural. I’ve encouraged others to not judge. However most people who have been listening to me long enough know that when I say don’t judge what I mean is: Don’t misjudge. Don’t make poor judgment. We always judge. Everyone, including the person who sent me this email who was judging me because I judged someone else.
She said:News flash: it doesn’t matter if your kids are 18 years or 18 months apart! You’re still gonna be looked at as a woman with multiple baby daddies.
Who gives a fuck if people look at you or me as a woman with multiple baby daddies? I don’t. That’s not even my issue with women who have multiple baby daddies. Who cares what people think. You’d have to listen to the video to hear me talk about the age gap between my kids. My daughter is 19 and my son is 1. Inside of my video I said that it makes sense that I have two different baby daddies because of the huge gap in between relationships. Twenty years is a long time. That’s 2 damn decades. It’s like this person overlooked what my issue was with women with multiple baby daddies altogether.
She said:I’m not emailing you to attack you because that’s not what I do but your comments are turned off and it was disappointing to hear you appear to be talking down about and judging women.
Looks like an attack to me. If I wanted comments in reference to this video I would have left my comments on.
She said:No one should be expectedto take care of kids that aren’t theirs, however if a man gets involved with a woman who they already know has (a) kid(s) by other men, common sense is going to tell him to walk away from that situation before he makes his own kid with her…
Here’s where the deflection comes in and some single mothers expect everyone else to take responsibility for their actions but don’t require that they themselves display that same discipline. Pressure is put on men who aren’t careful about who they procreate with. Women should also have that same pressure put on them. Match that energy when you are speaking about this. Just like a man should have common sense, so should a woman. She should require that a birth control plan be in place. . If she already has multiple children with multiple fathers she should know better than to have another child by a different man. She should walk away from that situation before she makes another child with him.
She continued to say: …realize that at some point some of whatever money that’s coming in is going to go towards all the kids at some point (not all the time) and if the man wants his kid to have specific items then buy those items outright instead of handing over money.
NO NO NO…..Mothers please make your own money. Not all money coming into your household is for all of your children when you have multiple baby daddies. I’m sorry it just doesn’t work that way. Especially not to men. Single mothers have got to start considering where these men want their money to go to. If the fathers of your children put money in your hands for the children that you share please understand that he is trusting you to take care of his child financially. Key words: HIS CHILD. It’s not for your entire household. This is why men hate giving you money. You try to forcefully make him invest in things that he didn’t sign up for. Sometimes TIME doesn’t permit a man to go shopping and get his kids specific things. The meme I spoke about in the video was about a mother who wanted her children to experience life equally. No matter how hard we try as mothers we will never be able to equally be attentive to more than 2 children especially if they have different fathers.
Start thinking this through, ladies. If your child’s father Kevin goes shopping for his child Brandon and Brandon comes home with designer, name brand, EVERYTHING for school, your other children Marcus & Tony who are products of the deadbeat dads will feel even worse seeing Brandon have the finer things in life when they themselves don’t. So if you are truly trying to make all of your kids feel equal instead of spending all of the money on Brandon, spend half of it and save the rest for the future things that Brandon may need. You should already be making enough money to take care of Marcus & Tony so you shouldn’t need Kevin’s money to take care of them. Stop thinking emotionally and think logically. It is not Kevin’s responsibility to take care of Marcus & Tony. It is YOURS. You should already have money stashed away for them for school. If you are good with your finances you don’t need to take from Brandon to give to your other children. Don’t pretend like the day Kevin gave you money for Brandon that that was the very first day Marcus & Tony had deadbeat daddies. They were deadbeat daddies before the kids started school. You should be prepared for this. Even if Kevin didn’t give you money, you are their mother you should already be so used to taking care of them without the help of a man. This entire thing isn’t about a single mother taking care of kids equally. This is about a single mother being inconsiderate. This is one of the reasons why men are running away from marriage, fatherhood and all types of other things that we fuss at them about, thinking it’s justifiable.
Nina missed the entire reason why I was “judging” women in the video who have multiple baby daddies. It isn’t because they have multiple kids by multiple men. Yeah that’s ridiculous on so many levels but that’s not even my issue.
I responded to her email using ample amount of profanity. She probably thought I was mad. I think I was annoyed. LOLOL
I replied:It’s not about me judging a mother. I don’t give a fuck what men think about women with multiple kids. What I give a fuck about is a woman having multiple kids by niggas who don’t give a fuck about their kids. How the fuck does any woman have 2 deadbeat baby daddies or more? That says a lot about the mother. Why does she continue to chose men who would treat her or her kids that way?!? Period. It’s already bad that 1 is that way to 1 child but for all of your baby daddies to be deadbeats says something about your poor choices as a woman; not these men. Take your time with men. I have 1 deadbeat dad I’m not about to spread my legs wide for another one to come and abandon ANOTHER child. It took 20 years for God to bless me with my son after I had my daughter. It’s going to take another 20 for a man to convince me to even have unprotected sex with him. Bitches need to make these bums put on condoms instead of getting uncomfortable everytime someone calls them out on their bullshit. Choose and do better next time is my moto. Stop making the same poor choice over and over.
Vulgar right? I know. This is a serious issue and it frustrates me. I need to communicate better. Anyway! If you have any other comments pertaining to this matter let me know.
When she said: If he’s making payments through the child support office I’m sure that if how the money is being used is in question, then he can request documentation/receipts/statements/proof on how the child support money is being spent. Worse come to worse, if he feels his child is not getting the financial support he provides or the care the child needs, then his next step should be trying to get primary custody. Once again, I’m not contacting you to attack you I’m just sharing my thoughts on your video. I watch your content fairly often because it’s good and will continue to do so.
I was like….so you want men to go the extra mile to do all of this but women can’t go the extra mile and be considerate so he won’t have to go through all of this?!?! Ladies, the drama has to stop somewhere. We are never going to get this coparenting thing under control if we don’t stop being selfish, inconsiderate, hard to communicate with and stubborn. Stop this please.
Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com for more tips on how to set yourself financially straight so you won’t NEED the child support checks.
I was disgusted by some of the responses these inconsiderate women were making on a post I saw on Facebook. They were dead ass serious too not even putting themselves in a Father’s shoes. Single Mothers want all of this understanding from EVERYONE. All of this support. But when it comes time for them to show that same kindness they throw that Kumbaya shit out the window.
Who’s side are you on? Someone asked, posting this screenshot that they saw from @TheShadeRoom on Instagram. I spoke more about it on my YouTube channel! Check it out!