Online Dating Advice: Why Do I Have Bad Luck With Women?

As a man dating women can be difficult.  Sometimes a man who has a desire to be in a relationship can be rejected and won’t understand why. In this video I explain to a viewer of mine why women aren’t responsive to his messages online.

Why Men Rush Women Into Relationships

People always believe that women only rush men into relationships. That’s not an accurate assumption. In this video I talk about how men also are guilty of that type of behavior.

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“Why Men Rush Women Into Relationships”
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Online Dating: Man Says All Men Want Is Sex

After creating a profile on POF.com a man contacted me criticizing my attire. He went into complete detail about how men only want sex from women. In this video I speak in detail about our correspondence.

 

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Take Responsibility For The Poor Choices You Make In Men

Treva thinks I’m not supposed to be still mad at him. I’ve known him for over a decade. A great part of that decade I’ve been livid with him. How could a woman like me continue to keep making poor choices in men over and over and over for an entire DECADE?  Let me explain it to you. There is such thing as a wrong man doing the right things as well as the right man doing the wrong things. I believe every woman alive is out there looking for Mr Wonderful. I believe that the reason I was looking for him for so long is because I used my relationship with a man as a way to validate my self worth. I realized that the pattern of loving losers was indicative of a deeper flaw in my personality & character. My family history and upbringing had a lot to do with why I was the way I was with men and why I am the way I am with them now. Many women do not evaluate themselves after relationships. Me on the other hand I OBSESS over my flaws and what I could’ve done wrong.

aiu_logo_center_column_reversedI met Treva in college. We used to ride the train to the university together. We attended AIU in Dunwoody, GA, which was ultimately an hour and a half ride away from the side of town we lived on.  There I pursued my Bachelor’s Degree in Business. He was my best friend. Not only did we know each other well but we had the best sex imaginable. After sex we’d hold each other and sit and talk about the people who had broke our hearts previous to us meeting each other. He and I both had daughters, both around the same age. His daughter’s mother had ripped his heart into pieces and he’d share stories about the things she’d do to him. I couldn’t understand why a woman would want to treat him bad. He worked in Telecommunications. He made a decent living, already owned a home of his own and was also in college and was so cool to be around. Why in the world would a woman pass such a good man up? Of course we fell in love with each other  but somehow we lost touch after almost a year of serenity. I stopped seeing him as much on the way to school. He stopped answering calls. I changed my number because I had misplaced my cell. Then I moved to Charlotte, NC to be with my daughter. She was living with her father there. I stayed there for about two years before Treva finally got in contact with me.

Facebook & Myspace are good tools. That’s how Treva found me, one or the other. After he sent me a message of relief we exchanged numbers. When we got on the phone he was crying. He was so happy that he found me. He had been looking for me for two years. Now, this is a pinnacle moment. This decision right here determined our future. I was relieved to find him however I didn’t realize how much he cared for me until that moment. Besides he never asked for commitment, he never asked for exclusivity. He never wanted more than what we had been doing for so long. Sometimes as people, especially women, our choices are pursuits to fulfill “needs” that may go back to childhood. A time when someone is not capable of analyzing the information presented to them. I also believe that we are influenced by childhood fairy tales. 2012%2f12%2f04%2f1c%2fmyspaceface-acpI know for most women their capacity for mutually loving and sexually fulfilling relationships is directly related to her relationship with her father. The affects of an emotionally unavailable father can crush your future relationships with men. I believe that Treva was a representation of what I believed a father was and is. My daughter’s father and Treva are very similar. They may not be good at relationships but they are great providers and father figures.

I wouldn’t consider my mother “loving”. She is actually a better mother to my sister than she is to me. We just don’t have that kind of bond. However I believe she has a hand in who I believe myself to be.

“Women who are unable to sustain romantic relationships almost always had fathers who could not be counted on, or who were emotionally or physically unavailable when they were growing up. A loving mother is not enough to offset those difficulties.” – Audrey B. Chapman  

My ideas about myself, my sense of value and my conclusions about things that I feel I am entitled to were formed early on in my life. I met my father when I was 6. We danced. I put my feet on his. And I didn’t see him or hear from him again until my late 20s. I didn’t expect from the world to never be able to find a man that matched me or that my  partners would often cheat on me. Or sometimes they were married or otherwise unavailable. Or they were so self-focused that they never planned anything or did anything with me that was not related to meeting their own needs. They may have been emotionally absent or emotionally or physically abusive. They may have been drug addicts or dealers…. alcoholics. Sometimes it turns out that all they wanted was the sex and they kept that from me instead of asking for that from the beginning. I believe that my family treating me like I was worthless communicated to me about how others would value me in life. I experienced excessive criticism, deprivation, devaluation and denigration. I believe those things had an impact on my adult life. So being treated like I’m nothing is NOT a foreign concept.

Treva and I talked everyday all day for months before I moved back to Atlanta to live with him. He spoke about how he had just bought a new house for me and proposed. He asked me to move to Atlanta to come live with him. I wasn’t surprised that he wanted me in that way. I mean, he was that kind of guy. He was the family man. His parents were still married and he had a real interest in marriage. Unlike my daughter’s father whom had an interest in marriage however had a phobia because of his own parent’s divorce. My grandmother has been married 3 times and most of my aunts are either divorced or have never been married. My mom has never been married. She was engaged once and was a mistress of 8 years to my sister’s father. He is still married and he still to this day takes my mother on dates even though they aren’t romantically connected anymore. I always vowed to never be a mistress but ended up becoming one for a year. I speak about that experience in my book Unicorn Atlanta. Being in a relationship in which I’ve been insufficiently valued and hardly noticed at all was egosyntonic. So initially when I landed in Atlanta and after the first two weeks I hadn’t seen Treva, I wrote it off as him being busy with work and school. I didn’t collate that maybe he was up to something terrible. I just didn’t think that way. I always had such a positive mind in relation to dealing with me.

omariI couldn’t stay with my family long. I didn’t have that kind of relationship with them. It was a temporary thing that was only supposed to only last a few days. It turned into a few months and before you know it…… I was homeless. I couldn’t get Treva on the phone. I didn’t know where he lived. I didn’t know what was going on. One night while out at a free Jazz Concert/Poetry Slam in downtown Atlanta I saw a man sitting in a VIP section alone. I walked over to him. I asked what are you doing here alone? He sipped his drink and begin explaining to me how he was only in the city for business and living in corporate housing. He resided in Charlotte, NC and was in the middle of a divorce. He asked me where I lived. I told him the answer….NOWHERE. He offered his place with ease. So I grabbed what little I had from my family’s house and he took me to the corporate housing apartment. I learned a lot about this man and quickly. I had no choice. When he was in town I’d be sitting there waiting. I’d cook dinner for him and cater to him in the ways he needed. For 5 or 6 months we lived that way. He was a motivational speaker and IT Professional. Omari, made my life easier and drama free. But I’ve noticed that happiness doesn’t last long. One weekend while Omari was back in Charlotte, NC I invited my friends over to come hang with me. They hadn’t seen me in so long. My favorite galpal Miesha came and Treva came by with one of his friends. Finally, after 3 months of being in Atlanta I was finally seeing Treva. Once I opened the door, he grabbed me, picked me up off my feet and spin me around. He was so happy to see me. He was a lot more muscular then he was the last time I saw him. He was busting out of his Superman T-shirt. He always had this thing about Superman, the same intrigue I had in relation to Superman & WonderWoman. We had a good time that night. All of us.

mon9zanWeeks after I begin wondering why he didn’t see me again. I kept calling and calling. A month later Treva finally contacted me. I believe that may be when his conscious got to him. Regardless to what had happened in those 3 months I didn’t believe that I wasn’t cared for.  Other women wouldn’t have tolerated their fiance going that long without seeing them, especially if they moved miles away to be with him. I’m sure the year had to be 2005 or 2006. He rolled over one morning and decided that he wanted to be honest with me about why he had went so long without seeing me. Turns out he had another woman living with him whom he had believing they were engaged. I was LIVID. The months I was in Charlotte that we spent talking about me coming to Atlanta to move with him he spent living with a woman older than him by the name of Andrea. I wanted to rip his head off. Respecting him as a man was a distant memory. I couldn’t believe this shit was happening to me. I couldn’t believe that he was even that kind of man. I would have never guessed in a million years that he was that way. I felt so stupid. How could I be so gullible? I was a good fiancee. I was sweet and loving. Most importantly we had a history, I was his friend. A good friend. We had a bond that was so strong that 300 years could’ve went by and I still would’ve shown him the same respect as if he never left. How could he do this to someone he considered a friend? One of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad. I had every sign in the world that something was wrong. Why didn’t I accept it?

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman – smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly. – Evan Marc Katz

This experience is why I accept NOTHING now. I’ve been engaged 3 times since that engagement and usually when I’m speaking to people I don’t even mention Treva’s shenanigans as a form of “engagement.” I won’t entertain monogamy or commitment. I will never get married. A woman who needs to learn to love herself is a magnet for men who for a variety of reasons are unable or unwilling to give. Women use marriage as a way to validate themselves. If I loved myself enough to begin with I wouldn’t have spent 3 months accepting the excuses, waiting for him. A year or so later I saw him at a bowling alley….he was with her. I was cordial, we spoke for 3 minutes then parted ways. For years after that we were off and on trying to work it out and it’s almost like he’d have the same pattern as before but this time around denial was attached to it. He apologized for what he did but he never took accountability. His apologies were empty. He never showed any real remorse or self reproach. He didn’t make any changes for the better in relation to his behavior. He didn’t make amends, he didn’t restore anything. He had no restitution WHATSOEVER. He took no responsibility. So we’d just get back together > argue > break up > spend time apart > get back together > argue > break up > spend time apart > get back together > argue > break up > spend time apart > get back together > argue > break up > spend time apart. It was annoying until finally one day I stopped it altogether.

Now it’s 2016 and all year he’s been popping in and out trying to get us back to how we used to be. He talks about how he wishes he would’ve just married me back in the early 2000’s and how sure he is now that he would’ve been so happy with me. I agree because I would’ve been completely fine with being with him. Some time in July I went to his new house to see him. He told me that he wasn’t seeing anyone and hadn’t been all year. However I found women’s belongings laying around his house. So I left and haven’t been back since. As long as I’ve known him he has always been entangled in relationships with other women and their kids. I haven’t had anymore children however he has 2 more. They all have different mothers. His fiance was nowhere to be found and from the sound of it the two of them had broken up years ago. At least that’s what he had been telling me. Them two never had any children together. At least that’s what he had been telling me.

Today we got into an argument. He was still in denial about how bad he treated me. He even told me that he was never engaged to anyone and the woman just only wanted to get married. I started writing this blog and I started to feel bad about how hard I was on him. I wanted to take accountability for my actions and give him the understanding and patience he was asking for. I wanted to find his Facebook page and a picture so I googled him. I found this:

wedding-registry

So I asked him….do you know anyone named Andrea?

andrea2

Now if he would’ve just told me the truth about this then maybe just maybe he would’ve got my respect….but unfortunately he couldn’t do that. Turns out them two have been together this entire time and the reason why he and I were having soooo many problems even after he told me he broke things off with her is because they never fully broke things off. Did they ever get married? I don’t even know. Look at the date on the registry. They had to have been together at least last year or the year before. What happened between he and I was in 2006 at the earliest and supposedly he had broke off things with her by the time 2012 came here. No engaged woman in 2006-2012 is going to make a wedding registry with the date on it being this year. I know for me if I got engaged in 2012 I’m not going to make a registry 3 or 4 year early. I can’t with these men.

Ladies, take accountability:

  1. Own your self esteem. It’s easier to find a guy that way.
  2. Know what you want
  3. Don’t move fast. It’s just chemistry.
  4. Don’t settle for less
  5. Listen to your gut. Don’t ignore it.

 

One thing I’ve learned from my grandmother that I never wanted to accept:

  1. Men will always find a way to cheat.
  2. Men will always lie until they are proven guilty and even then they will still lie.
  3. Most women aren’t built to be wives to men because they require too much and give too little.

I received a text today from someone interested in dating me. He saw one of my videos and wanted to take me on a date. He asked me how I felt about marriage. I could tell he had just stumbled upon my videos and had no idea I was polyamorous. So I shared this video with him. Check it out.

 

What A Good Man Feels Like: Derrick Jaxn

I can’t stand when women complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don’t see them crying about it. I hate relationships. I’m never getting married and I will never commit to a man. The only reason the term ‘Ladies First’ was invented was for a guy to check out a woman’s ass. Dealing with Men romantically is too hard for me. When life could’ve been easy for me men have made it hard.  Men used to be built different. They used to respect women. They used to want the best for us not just themselves. Or so I thought. They were extremely genuine. When I saw Derrick Jaxn for the first time I smiled, not because what he was saying in his YouTube video applied to me but, because I liked to see when men do something positive for themselves. At first, I didn’t even realize how attractive he is. I don’t think I paid it any attention initially. It was easy to over look.  I’ve never been the kind of person to be attracted to men who were muscular or extremely attractive. My family always made fun of me for dating ugly men. It’s because I always checked for personality first.  So nothing about his physical appearance moved me at all. It was what was coming out of his mouth that impressed me. He seemed so serious, he seemed so strong and certain about who he is as a man and why he wanted to be that. I didn’t even realize we had such a huge age difference until just the other day.  It took 6 months of emails, DMs, TWEETS, etc (that he didn’t even see) just to get his attention. What ended up getting his attention was a video I made using clips from a video he had made and posted to his channel.  My viewers were asking me to do a collaboration with him. They were consistent.  Finally after months of contacting him, without receiving and answer, I decided I’d use his short clips and intertwine them with a couple of mine as we spoke about the same subject. My audience loved it.  It took him months to finally come across it accidentally while he was looking at few negative videos that other YouTubers had created about him calling him a fraud, simp and whatever else they could find to insult him.

He replied to an email of a mass I sent out to all of my contacts. He showed interest in doing a video together. We set up a time to meet. I was surprised to hear that he was in Atlanta. It didn’t even occur to me to find out what city he was in. I haven’t done a lot of collaborations. I’ve only done 5 or 6 in the many years I’ve been on YouTube. Even the few attempts I tried recently didn’t work out. One I did recently with Minister Jap I purposely removed. He is obnoxious. Our video was successful and viewed by many but drama that followed required that I break all ties with him. Even with the success of that video he begin to drag me through the mud on social media after getting in touch with an ex of mine. (That’s an entirely different blog. ;() I was ready for the opportunity with Derrick though. I contacted him initially for reasons that had nothing to do with YouTube. As I think about it now I believe what I really needed him to do was to fall in love with me. No, not how you are thinking but, in a healthy mature kind of way.  In a way that my well being actually mattered to him. I think I push myself into work to occupy my heart space. As I was looking at him working on himself I could relate and I  immediately became intrigued by his work ethic.  I remember writing notes on a paper of things that I wanted to say to him during our meeting.  I just looked over the words just now:

The challenge I’m not easy
 show you off
You lead.  supporting role here.
 open with you confidently….
 be my rock, stability…my protection strong but warm hearted. I need your
Dominance Passion Loyalty
I require a lot from you asking for a lot

I have a glamorous, extravagant enthusiastic life I’m building over her.

but a fraction of my potential right now. I need you to fall in love with me
There is money out there to be made.

 partner. Smarter, sharper, stronger. Educated Intelligent Entrepreneur…I can trust to make an executive decision in relation to my personal growth and professional development. Your project, I’m all yours.
I admire and respect you so much.

Your sarcasm impresses me.

You are clever.

I appreciate your genuine care for your supporters I share that same vigor.  You are loved and supported by me. I made you the center of my world for the past 72 hrs.

 

Center of my world for the past 72 hours? 72 HOURS!? After we scheduled our meeting I spent the next 72 hours researching him. I can’t believe I spent that much time researching a man. I binge watched his videos, read his blogs, looked through his pictures, saw him on CNN, checked out his Facebook. That’s when I realized how attractive he was physically. Some pictures of him had me like, my goodness, how am I going to be able to work closely with a man who looks like that? I’m not going to be able to concentrate.  Even my mom was surprised I found him attractive. She said to me, “I thought you hated men with muscles?” I do! I really do, usually! I believe that the reason I’m attracted to him has nothing to do with that. I think him being attractive physically is some sort of bonus or unnecessary luxury.  She says to me clearly “Don’t mix business with pleasure.” I go, “WHO IS YOU TELLING?! Men are a distraction!” Who knew that the concept of me researching him for 72 hours would be the catalyst for us NOT working together.

jaxn

I am a business woman, so before a meeting I take time out to learn about who I’m dealing with. I do not want to waste my time. I want to show respect to whom I’m meeting with by presenting them with facts about what I’ve already learned about who they are or what kind of business they do. My initial interest in Derrick had a lot to do with Merchandising and Branding. Which is something he seems to be pretty good at being as though his website http://shopderrickjaxn.com/ is doing so well.  His YouTube channel is also doing well in relation to views and subscribers so I wanted to know how he managed to keep his channel flowing smoothly. He’s on his third published book and I wanted us to come together to put out my next 3 books “Unicorn Atlanta”, “What A Good Man Feels Like” & “Psycho Bitch”. These are all things I mentioned during our meeting that ended up being a Facebook Video chat, that was supposed to be a Skype call that was actually supposed to be in person at an Atlanta Restaurant. I’ll get to that madness mix up in a minute.  From a distance, I noticed a difference in his business sense. Ergo, I treated him very different than I treated other men that I approached about working together. He was the first man that was in a better position than I am. The other men I tried working with were not.

Rewind to 24 hours before our Thursday meeting….I called my mom panicking. My palms were sweating. I was shaking. I didn’t feel right. I felt nauseous and fatigued but my heart was beating fast like a jolt of energy repeatedly pulsed through my body. I wasn’t ready. The energy wasn’t right. I felt empty,  no relief, no freedom, no comfort. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body. That might have been a piece of what I was feeling. I was pushing against losing all control over a man, meanwhile rejecting the feeling of getting googly eyed and dreamy. I knew it was going to go wrong before it even happened. Something in my spirit told me something was wrong. At first I passed it off as fear. I have been in so many previous situations with men that ended up them using me for my money or resources or using social media as a way to drag me through the mud. In a fragile state, I texted Derrick and expressed to him how nervous I was. I left out the part that I knew somehow either I was going to fuck up the situation or he was going to find a way to fuck it up himself. It was more than YouTube. He sort of calmed me down to some degree. He kept a positive mind and encouraged me to do so. I needed him to help with personal development.  That type of attitude is exactly what I needed. That’s what made me contact him to begin with. Our age difference has us thinking on two very different levels but he never came off to me as someone immature. I felt like I needed his stability and his strength. It surprised my mother because she never heard me say not EVER that I “needed” a man. It was the first time I felt like that. Of course I’ve always been attracted to men but for the past year I have NOT been impressed by any man after corresponding with him no matter how attractive he was or how intellectual or intelligent he appeared to be. With the exception of “Daddio” whom I was in a polyamorous relationship with from March – late July.

After our text exchange, I still wasn’t feeling right. I closed my eyes and did meditation.  No use! I took a warm bubble bath, I couldn’t relax. I felt so much anxiety and my mind was racing and in so many different directions. I had to masturbate in the tub just to feel some sort of temporary relief. I was so uptight. I even asked my mother what could I do outside of having sex, taking a drink or drug in order to relax my nerves.  She suggested I watch Joel Olsteen. Just like a Christian to suggest Jesus to a Buddhist. 😉 I stepped out for a while to get fresh air. Around 9pm that night I went to a friend girl’s house. For 30 minutes I had finally found complete silence. I fell asleep for 30 minutes. I hadn’t slept since the night before he contacted me ready to meet. In my sleep I hear someone calling my name. I open my eyes and I hear my friend saying to me, “SOMEONE WAS OUTSIDE TAKING YOUR CAR!” I get up and run outside without any shoes…. MY CAR WAS GONE! The first thing I did was check the time. It was after 10:00pm so I couldn’t call Wells Fargo Dealer Services to figure out where the eff my car was. So the next person I thought of was Derrick. I was like got dammit I’m supposed to meet him tomorrow. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? So without hesitation I hit him up next. I know for me, I hate when someone wastes my time so I didn’t want to waste his. He came up with the idea to Skype. He was so understanding and patient I was happy about that. So happy I forgot that it was after bootie call hours and out of habit I sent him heart emojis after a text message. Immediately, I couldn’t believe I did it. I was stuck…. like WTF is wrong with me?!? I’m supposed to be handling business with this man and I just sent him heart emojis in the middle of the night! I’m starting to completely freak out via text apologizing and he really has NO IDEA why.jaxn Earlier in the tub I’m getting my masturbation on, I had to stop 10 or 11 times because when the feeling got good enough for me to experience an orgasm this damn picture  of him without a shirt that had my imagination going about what his “package” looks like underneath his sweats, kept popping up in my mind.  I had already made up in my mind that I didn’t want to look at him in that way so why wasn’t the rest of my body making its rounds?! What would usually take me 2 or 3 minutes to do became a 35-40 masturbation session, simply because I didn’t want Derrick Jaxn’s face to be connected to my orgasm.  I’m a professional woman. I was certain I was going to stick his ass in the friend zone regardless to if he was interested in me romantically or not. I told my last guy as we spoke about Derrick that Derrick is the marrying type and I’d have to really straighten up if he wanted me because for real he’s not the type of man who would accept me as I am. He’d want me to be the virgin like angelic being I used to try to be when I was ministering. The ‘good girl’ that all of the men took for granted. I’ll never be that girl again. I don’t want to be that girl, aiming for perfection meanwhile my Boyfriend, Husband or Fiancee can frolic around with loose women. I refuse to be in a committed relationship or marriage. The idea of me even entertaining it is ridiculous. Now, I’ve worked with plenty of men and it’s always been easy for me to tell a man no, any man regardless of color, social status, financial status or physical appearance. So how come this time around all I kept thinking was YES? It didn’t occur to me until after our meeting why everything in me was saying YES. And don’t judge me on the masturbation thing at least I was having sex with the person I love. 😉

During our meeting I could tell he had no interest in working with me WHATSOEVER. I think we veered off the topic of business and on to personal instead 3 or 4 times too many. He was asking me personal questions. I stayed away from the personal questions. But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to know. I really had to hurt myself to not get that personal and start asking him questions about what he does when he isn’t working. I’m doing everything but be “THIRSTY”.  But he didn’t want to work with me. If he did end up working with me on a YouTube collaboration it would be out of the kindness of his heart. He made it apparent to me 5 too many times that he didn’t see any benefit so if we were going to work together I’d have to send him some AWESOME video ideas that would blow him away. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. He just wanted it to be put on my channel and not his, which TO ME was not beneficial to me. So to play fair I came up with two ideas, 1 for a 3-5 min video for his channel and another 5-10 min video for mine. 260291_10150672708735114_4362953_nBut before I could get the script emailed to him I sent him a couple of videos via text to watch upon request. Now this is where the problem came in. Remember the whole 72 hours thing? Yeah THAT! I didn’t have to bother doing that because he spent a great deal of our conversation arrogantly speaking about how successful he is. Or maybe he thought he was being confident. I’m not sure yet. I had spent all of that time watching as many videos of his that I could and in return he had barely GOOGLED me.  He mentioned my modeling pictures just like a typical guy would. But he made it clear to me that he never checked out a video of mine outside of the video I made using his clips. To me that was a little unprofessional. I was like damn you clearly never valued this meeting to begin with. You didn’t even bother to respect a prospect. I couldn’t believe that a man who considered himself CEO of a company didn’t even bother to have any preparation techniques before business meetings. He’s probably done more research on a chick he was fixin to dick down than he did on me.  Damn that spoke to me in volumes. I was not valued AT ALL not even as a business prospect.  So I mentioned it to him as a response to him OVER EXPLAINING to me how he needed the videos to be good and he couldn’t guarantee he’d put it on his channel. And in return I had to OVER EXPLAIN TO HIM that I understand the concept of good content and I would make sure our collaboration was a lot better than his last one that  he did with another Youtuber by the name of Olivia Alexa called “10 Commandments of Modern Day Relationships” I had to research this video on my own because he couldn’t remember what her name was.  I didn’t want our interaction to be that forgettable. This video was on her channel not his.  I was not interested in the one-sidedness so I gave him the opportunity to tell me if he felt like it wasn’t beneficial and that we could just scrap the collaboration altogether if it was that serious.

After too many times of expressing himself in all ways that did NOT include him flat out saying he wasn’t interested, after his assumption that I had some sort of “negative feelings” in relation to him telling me to come up with some suggestions, after I told him several times like a broken record “I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND, I UNDERSTAND…where you coming from, let’s get it…” I peeped his hesitation and I just flat out told him that I thought it was LAZY that he didn’t do research on me. I had a smirk on my face when I sent the text because I thought it was funny that he wanted me to put in all of this hard work to make sure our content was grade A top choice material but he didn’t even spend a solid 30 minutes on reading up who I am. I tried to tell him who I am I even included the bad stuff. I was honest. If you can’t say something nice, say it to Derrick Jaxn… he’s not listening anyway unless it’s a direct insult to him.  He put in little to NO energy into this. The word LAZY, That’s what did it….that was his button. That was his soft spot, that’s how I gut punched his ego and caused him to retreat.  In the words spoke verbatim by Derrick Jaxn Lazy? Hmm, okay. Good luck on rebuilding your channel. I’m good.  My immediate thought and text response was “Damn, it was that easy huh?”  So easy to walk away? You would think I called his momma a hoe or something by the way he acted. I even apologized and told him that I didn’t mean to offend him or hurt him. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship or friendship of any kind “I apologize” and “You are right.”

It’s been 24 hours since and I’ve had some times to think about it.   So this time around, why is it that all of my body kept saying YES? I had no intention of falling in love but I wanted him to fall in love with me. Strange right? But then again TO ME Love is telling someone to go to hell and then worrying about whether or not they get there safely. In the back of every woman’s mind all women want a good man, all women want a prince charming to sweep them off their feet, all women want to be held and accepted. Even if he and I never had anything personal I still wanted to know for sure that he was a Good Man. I wanted to be able to say that I work with a Good Man. I wanted to be able to say I have a decent friendship with a Good Man. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. Turns out my car got repossessed. Yes, me not making payments. I’ve been making all kind of crucial changes in my life that have made me lose money rather than gain it. But it’s just a storm I’ll get past it. I’m living in a luxury home…..doing the most….

Could I have fell in love with this man?  Possibly, I’m sure many woman could. We come to love not by finding a perfect person… but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.  Could I have had a good time with him or built something worth it? Yes. From a distance he looks perfect but up close he looks….heartbroken. But then again I can’t tell who he is by only 1 conversation and I do not know enough about him to make sound judgment.

So now….after that…..I’m questioning is he even one of the good ones at all. I’m relieved it fucked up because I don’t like how I feel when I have interest in a man in that way. It feels horrifying. I won’t ever know who he is really. SO I’m glad he walked away. For me it was about business and  will always be about  business. So if he felt as if professionally I wasn’t worth working with I respect that and wish him the best.

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