Some people have held my past choices against me. I’ve heard someone have the nerve to tell me my past was checkered. Not that that wasn’t an accurate statement but I was confused. They spoke of my past like they didn’t have one and I was convicted of murder in the first degree. A checkered past is one that involves periods of time that were good and periods of time that were bad. So why are people so judgmental like they have never made a mistake or had bad taste? People are always talking about what you used to do like they never shit their pampers. Somebody broke up with me during my pregnancy. It’s not unheardof. I was a lingerie model, wasn’t the first one. Definitely wasn’t the last. I was honest about havin sex with a married man almost 10 years ago. Mistresses and side chicks are more common than the average person wants to admit. I’ve been transparent about it all on purpose. Why? Because these are things people are afraid to be honest about because they’ll be ridiculed. Meanwhile those same people who ridicule the most have done worse.
I remember why I was a mistress. Before I made that choice I kept getting hurt and abused. I was cheated on over and over. I was trying to get over the woman I used to be. The faithful one. The one who was pressed for marriage. The woman with the engagement ring on, cooped up in the house, waiting for my fiance to come back in town. While he was out frolicking with his side chick in Miami, his other side chicks in Atlanta would call my phone and brag about how good his d**k was. Yeah I was that dumbo. I finally got sick of it and freed myself. I tried anything I could sexually to open up. I did a split on top of a married man quick. Let me stop. I’m exaggerating. I wasn’t that savage. He wasn’t married when I met him. We were just friends at first. I knew he would be getting married eventually. I was just fine with him not wanting to do that with me. One would believe that this encounter would be the main reason why people chastise me most. NOPE….it’s that I’m a single mom. Yep. A single mom. No he didn’t get me pregnant. BY THE GRACE OF GOD! But I avoided relationships for almost a decade after that.
I have had poor taste in men sometimes, so I’ve been the woman out here with a bullhorn begging other women to not choose what I have. I don’t want to steal life lessons from the ladies but I do want women to avoid the heartache I have experienced. All over my YouTube channel I’ve tried my hardest to share stories of my mistakes as honestly as possible. Being a mistress didn’t even cause me heartache. It introduced me to a new way of doing things. New kinds of relationships and my own sexuality. Of course I’d never do it again. Not because I didn’t gain anything from the experience. But because I am no longer in that place. Also I don’t want to hurt another woman. I don’t encourage a married women to expect a mistress to protect her marriage or relationship when her own husband or boyfriend doesn’t have respect for it. I can also reassure women that if it’s not one woman it will be another if in fact your husband or boyfriend is hell bent on cheating. As insecure as I was I can tell you that the last person I was thinking about was his wife. I was trying to make it past my own pain daily. I spent most of that experience under the influence of alcohol, running from my own problems. I was heavily sedated throughout it ON PURPOSE. My experience with him served it’s purpose. Not like I fell in love. I was so broken from the relationships prior to my experience with him that I didn’t have the wholeness required to love anyone but my self. He was on my low level at the time. The kind of heartache that was the worse kind happened later on when I did fall in love with the wrong man and subjected myself to catering to a man that was not on my level intellectually, spiritually, financially or emotionally. I ended up pregnant and he abandoned us both. It doesn’t bother me that he left the relationship. I was more hurt at how he treated an innocent child. Our son is almost 2 and I’m considering taking another man serious. Here are some things I’m sure any new man who comes into my life could possibly be concerned about or that I myself am concerned about.
- My new man will think: I’m still in love with my baby daddy and because we have a child together he’ll always be able to have access to me and my vagina.
Sorry to inform you but I’m sure he and I have a mutual hate for each other that is deep rooted enough to melt any type of love any person can imagine we have for one another. Unless people loved each other, kids won’t make them stick together. If it was meant for us to be with each other we probably wouldn’t have broken up to begin with. Especially being as though we have a child together. I wouldn’t let that serpent touch me. He has too many demons.
It’s hard to judge a book by its contents, when the cover tells a lying story. Lame males will front & play the role of a MAN when they first meet a woman, then once she gives him her heart & her loyalty before requiring his faithful commitment, he switches up & reveals himself for the mentally immature little boy he is. – Ebrahim Aseem
2. Some people think no one will want to help me raise my son. Men are terrified of the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s child.
Not every male is weak. There are real men out there who are Alpha and can handle the role of being a step father. It takes strength however it also takes maturity. Boys aren’t afraid of being stepfathers they are just too immature to handle that responsibility. When a grown man deeply loves a woman he loves all of her. Including her children because they are a part of her.
3. Some men are intimidated by me. I’ve achieved so much and I am extremely successful. Men will run from that.
In case you didn’t know, most single mothers are successful. They have money in the bank. We pay our own bills and do our own thing. A man is not necessary for our survival. HOWEVER, there are men out there who love that they are a luxury to us. They are happy to not be holding the burden of solely providing. They know that relationships are a partnership. And if I can hold my own without a man, as long as I am healthy, I can definitely hold up my end inside of a relationship.
4. Some men think I’m so desperate for marriage. And that because I’m a single mom when I date, I put all of my marriage hopes on that man. Even before marriage is mentioned, I show a man I am wife material.
A man is lucky if he can get a home cooked meal from me. Especially with me not being his wife yet. I honestly do not have the bandwidth to do anything spectacular for a man to take interest in me. He’s going to love me for exactly who I am because jumping through hoops will never be what I do. I have potty training to consider, fruit and veggies to mash up so my son can eat, I have a job, a business and side hustles to tend to. I do not have time to think about marriage. Even if I’m dating. I will be surprised if I’m proposed to. Marriage is another job. Most women who know better are not pressed to hop in one. People pressure us to be married because we didn’t get married to the father or fathers of our child or children. I have a standard that most men will never meet. My son’s father barely touched it while on his tippy toes. He definitely f***** up that opportunity by squandering his riches. It will take a man doing grand gestures of the romantic kind who has impeccable moral character for me to consider marrying him.
Stop with the assumptions fellas, start asking questions. Contrary what you’ve been told by beta males who are challenged in the penis department, dating a single mother is pretty cool. If you are going to date us this is what you need to understand.
- Be prepared by being flexible with your schedule. We will not be hounding you around. We have too much to do. I will understand if you have to cancel.
- Don’t assume the position of step dad. The idea that all single moms are dating with the exclusive goal of finding someone to marry us and alleviate some of the parenting burden and keep our kids from growing up in a Broken Home™ (*insert overly dramatic anguish face here*) is offensive, in addition to being laughably wrong in so many cases. Most women who do NOT have children are dating you for the exclusive goal of finding someone who wants to marry them.
- Our homes are not BROKEN they are just DIFFERENT. Broken is the man who decided to abandon us. If he wasn’t he’d be the Father he protested he would be before our son was conceived. There was something wrong with HIM. Not me and my son. There is nothing broken about my home.
- Stop thinking of me as a “SINGLE MOM” and just think of me as a woman that you are attracted to and want to go on a date with. I’m different from other women only because I have stricter boundaries than they do. I do not negotiate.
- I am independent and resourceful. I’m raising my son alone. Do not expect me to be clingy or rely on you for everything. If you want space or time to yourself I will most likely respond, “OK”. Just like most single mothers would. We are used to being on our own.
- The way single mothers love is different. We are unconditional. We learn to love harder because our kids are all we have. Our patience, love, and capability for nurturing has more depth because of our kids. If you’re good to us, you’ll have a more faithful, supportive and loving life partner than you’ve ever had.
- I know what I want. I have reevaluated myself over and over and over. Trust me! That’s kind of what happens after you break up with someone and are left behind to take care of a child alone.
- I am particular about who I date. I have a child to worry about I can’t just get down with any random man who makes empty promises.
- Yes good guys date us. I’m a single mom not Quasimodo. Just because I’ve had a child doesn’t mean good men are walking around avoiding me.
- I already have kids so I’m not going to pressure you to have them with me. My motherhood is not a separate island off the coastline of myself. It is part of me. Most women will want to date you just so they can marry you and procreate. I’ll be dating you for YOU.
I hope this helps. Please be sure to check out my latest The GodQueen Live Podcast episode. In it I talk about navigating the negative opinions associated with Single Motherhood and how men can handle them.