Tag Archives: divorce

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now

Written By: Kei Latrice

Okay, you might be asking yourself, is it really possible to raise a child to become a baby mama or daddy? Like, are parents actually out here training their kids to be solo-dolo moms and dads, for God sakes? Or, better yet, I know a few of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “here comes another self-righteous asshole looking down their nose on non-married people with kids!”– I get it. Parenthood is hard enough, especially when the task is taken on alone, or even as part of a co-parent situation; the last thing any single parent needs, then, is another conservative, “Yaaay, I dodged a bullet”, know it all, telling them how to raise, or in this case, not raise their kids.

So, I’m not going to do that– pass judgment, that is. Instead, I’m going to use those three fingers that always point back at someone, when one points out of course, to tell my own story in three parts. So here goes: The first thing I should note, is that I am married, although most people already know that. Number two–My husband and I have five children, which many of my readers already know as well. Number three, however, is what might be more of a shocker– and that is how I was not married when I conceived my first child. Feel free to clutch your pearls and gasp!

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So babe, how you feeling our new apartment?

See, what had happened was this, Des, (who was just my boyfriend at the time), and I, thought it would be a great idea for me to ditch my graduate school dormitory, and for him to move out of his slum lord apartment, so that the two of us could shack up. It just made sense. We could save on bills, enjoy movie nights and pizza in bed whenever we wanted to, and most importantly, have easy access to early morning sex– a duh! I mean, what twenty-something year old wouldn’t want that? Everything was perfect– even without furniture and in spite of our overpriced rent, until the day I regailed that extra pink line on my doomsday, I mean pregnancy stick.

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Oh hell no– it’s really two lines on here!

Of course I was shocked; the trepidation of not knowing what my life would look like with a child, replaced what should have been a feeling of joy. Des and I had talked about getting married, eventually, but nothing was set in stone. I’ll never forget the day we told my mother: in a restaurant, over pasta and salad, we showed her our plastic truth stick (gross, I know, but hey, we were twenty-ish and dumb) and my mom simply cried. Later, she admitted that her worst fears had come true: I was unmarried and pregnant and might have to raise a child alone.

Be sure to check out Soncerae’s latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

But now, let’s talk about how crazy both of our reactions were, (my mother’s and mine), especially since there had been no Whodini stunt, nor was I the victim of an immaculate conception. I got pregnant the good old fashioned way because we weren’t using protection. It really shouldn’t have been a shock. More importantly, though, the title of baby mama was the very status that I had been groomed for from childhood, and I would have become that, had it not been for our (shotgun) wedding. Let me explain how:

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The Married Couple I knew. We hung out with them every Thursday at 8.

I Had Little to No Examples! Virtually every woman I knew growing up, raised their children without fathers in the home. That was my norm. Fathers came around, sometimes, and gave financial support, occasionally. They rarely lived with the women they had children with and they certainly weren’t married. The married couples I saw growing up were either on television, or, if I encountered them in real life, they didn’t look like me.

My Bar Wasn’t Set That High. In grade school, my aunt promised me $100 if remained childless until after my high school graduation. In my family, having a baby before marriage wasn’t what brought you shame, it was more so being a teenaged mom. At around 19, this same aunt gave me the conception green light. I’d not only graduated from high school, but I was also working, and (in her eyes) somewhat self-sufficient. This meant I’d met my family childbirth standards and could now get pregnant without being shunned. As for my mother and her opinion on the subject, well, let’s just say I had her example, instead of her words.

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Me making it to graduation baby free!

I Had No Actionable Plan. So this one was a bit trickier; as far as having children and being married, I knew I wanted both, but I never really considered the order in which I’d get them. If I had actually taken the time to think about it, I might have been just a little more hesitant about that whole shack up and anytime sex situation with Des. I also would have likely been prepared for, and thus excited about my first pregnancy, instead of just surprised and confused.

My mother, my aunt, and all the women in my family did the best they could to steer me in a positive direction, still they couldn’t prepare me for what they didn’t know. Now, I have the benefit of using the blueprint of their lives and combining it with mine, to help my sons and daughters make better choices. Here’s how:

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I Always Speak of Their (future) Husbands and Wives. Little girls love to fantasize; I know from personal experience, and now having two daughter of my own, I see it with them even more. When they speak on boyfriends, or love, or dating, however, I make make it a point to tie those things to their future husband. For example, if my daughter, who is ten, mentions dating, I’ll say something to this effect, “never date someone who wouldn’t make a good husband.” Then we’ll go into all the things that make a man husband material. Or, when my youngest daughter talks about being a mommy, I always address the topic in a plural sense. So, for example, I’ll say, “when you and your husband have a baby,” or, “you need to be married first,”. I do the same thing with my sons. “Never have sex with a woman you couldn’t see being your wife,” is something I say to them often. When my sons balk at doing hard tasks, I’ll remind them of the wife and children who’ll one day depend on them. The takeaway is this: This type of dialogue lets our children know what our family expectations are and helps them to develop a marital mindset.

I Put My Own Marriage on a Pedestal. Ask any one of my children who my favorite person is and even my youngest, who is five, will answer “Dad”. In fact, my kids often tease me when I whine about missing Des and say, “Sheesh, Dad hasn’t even been gone that long.”, but I can’t help it. Yes, I absolutely adore my children; Each one occupies a piece of my heart that makes up one whole. Nevertheless, as much as I love them, their Father is the one person I most want to spend time with, cuddle with, hang out with, and talk to, because he was there before them and will (fingers crossed) be there after they’ve gotten families of their own. The Takeaway is this: We’re instilling in our children the critical importance of putting your marriage first and that successful families have a natural and meaningful order.

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When you and hubby are each other’s favorite person!

I Encourage Them To Be Intentional. When it came to areas such as education and career, I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve and how to accomplish it. Regarding love and starting a family, however, I was way more willy-nilly and unprepared. That’s why I’m teaching my children to be methodical about both. For instance, I pose questions that make them think about how a family will fit into their long term goals. I advise them about the pitfalls of reckless sex and ways of avoiding them, and I give them examples of how their choices will effect them for generations. The Takeaway is this: We are instilling into our children the concept that planning for a family is as crucial, if not more so, than planning for an education or career.

Now, for the critics– the ones who’ll point out that there aren’t any guarantees; the ones who’ll swear that kids are going to do what they want regardless, I’d tell them all that they’re right. See, our children have these peculiar things in them called, minds of their own. Despite all of our teachings and best efforts, they will ultimately make their own decisions in life. Still, the optimist in me can’t help but try anyway. Sure, I could miss the mark as a parent, in getting them to not be a baby mama or daddy, but, I will absolutely miss it if I just do nothing. I’d say, I have a good 50/50 chance. Plus, I already have proof this goal is acheivable. I came from a clan full a baby mama’s, and now just look at me– I’m a stressed-out happily married mother of five nerve-wracking beautiful kids. That’s a hell-of-enough evidence for me!

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Babe, we did it! We actually pulled this thing off!!!

Tell us what you think? Are parent’s really out here raising kids up to be baby mamas and daddies? If so, tell us how and if not, tell us why? We want to hear from you!

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now original post https://thetalkship.com/2019/05/16/stop-raising-baby-mamas-and-daddies/

Written By: Kei Latrice

Be sure to check out my latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

DIVORCE: Women Who Date SEPARATED MEN Are DESPERATE & THIRSTY?

If you’re married to one person but dating another, it is not necessarily considered adultery. You are free to date during separation without having to worry that your social life will be used as grounds for divorce. An adulterous relationship is one that begins before you have separated from your spouse.

Separation means that you are living apart from your spouse, but you’re still legally married until you get a judgment of divorce from a court (even if you already have a judgment of separation).

Thank you Google! I found the true definition of SEPARATED. It’s grown people out here trying to act like they have no idea what that means. Usually separated people are definitely headed towards divorce. If they end up staying married or renewing vows it’s an exception to the rule. The divorce rate in the United States is sky high. SEPARATION isn’t some magical break that’s going to help them get back together later. If they have decided to move in separate homes they are headed for a divorce. It will take a miracle from God to get them back together.

This leads me to once again talk about my son’s father. A man who is continuously brought up inside of my comment section on a regular by people who want to chastise me for dating him. I could have posted a video about rain clouds and inside of the comment section will be some moron calling me thirsty and desperate for dating a SEPARATED MAN. Let’s go over this for those who may be confused.

There are different types of marital status options. We all know this if we have ever filled out any kind of application. We are asked are we:

SINGLE

MARRIED

SEPARATED

DIVORCED

WIDOWED

Now that we have established that, let’s get specific about my son’s father, Priest. Before he and I begin to date he had already been in 3 or more casual relationships with other women with whom he shared intimacy with. Not only had he been with those women sexually, he also traveled to the Dominican Republic and paid a few prostitutes to entertain him while on vacation. This all while he was SEPARATED. When he and I met he led me to believe that he had been SEPARATED for 2 years and was living separately from his now EX WIFE SaDonya. When I met him I was not interested in dating a married or SEPARATED man nor was I interested in seriously dating someone SINGLE. Nor was I interested in casual sex. I did NOT want to be in a relationship of ANY KIND. I was on a dating site looking for people to come out to an event that I was promoting at a venue in Duluth, GA called THEORY LOUNGE. This was not uncommon for me. I always knew that I could never take a dating site serious. Especially not Plentyoffish.com. Most men were on there looking for hookups, lying about who they were. I invited my son’s father out to the event. I assumed once he got there he’d meet a woman he was interested in. Just like the other men I had invited to the venue. The men who flirted with me on the dating site I’d invite to Theory. Priest was unable to attend because of the venue’s long distance from his house. We continued to casually talk and it wasn’t before long that we decided to go on a date. All the while, I thought he was single. It wasn’t until our first date, weeks after we first started talking, that he told me that he was SEPARATED. He led me to believe that their marriage was OVER. He wasn’t the only one to encourage me to continue seeing him. After meeting his family, his mother and brother were very persuasive and reassured me that it was safe to proceed.

A few months later after battling years of infertility I became pregnant and I finally did speak to his then estranged wife SaDonya who also reassured me that they were SEPARATED. She claimed that they were only friends and that she was dating someone else. Priest and I discussed over and over and over and over our future together. We discussed marriage as well as our goal to start a family. Our son Justice came much sooner than we planned. I promised Priest that if after we were married and we tried for a year to conceive I’d simply divorce him if I did not end up pregnant. SaDonya and Priest DO NOT have children together. I believed he deserved to be a father. I did not want to be another woman in his life who did not give him a child. Priest was SaDonya’s second husband, she had 2 children from a previous marriage and another from a previous relationship.

SO again….SEPARATED MEANS A DIVORCE IS PENDING.

Here’s what I wasn’t going to do….

be with a man who was promising me divorce in private while he hid me from the public. HELL NO.

I’ve been a mistress in my lifetime and I played my position. Chris Law was miserable during his first marriage. I was simply his distraction. I did not ask to be promoted. I did not encourage him to get divorced. In no way would I ever have taken someone else’s husband serious and for damn sure wouldn’t have had a baby by him. F–king someone else’s husband is not my favorite past time. I do not have this long history of having sex with married men. I’ve done it for reasons I’ve shared on this blog plenty of times and I’ve admitted to it, apologetically. Hurt people HURT PEOPLE. Lesson learned. I’d do an abortion before I have an “illegitimate baby” and that’s saying a lot being as though I was unable to conceive for such a long time. My son is not an “illegitimate baby”. My son is a miracle and his father was initially excited about my pregnancy. Again, we spoke plenty of times about marriage and children and was preparing our lives for the transition.

There are plenty of people who start dating during the final stages of their divorce and ended up getting involved and even married to other people. But there are a few things you need to consider. I wish my son’s father would’ve thought long and hard before he started taking me serious or seemingly doing so.

Here are a few bits of advice I believe someone separated should take.

DATE WHEN YOU ARE READY AND NOT A SECOND BEFORE THEN. And by ready I mean that it isn’t so much a question of time but of where you are emotionally. Most people have emotionally left the marriage long before they file for divorce. Don’t consider dating until you have physically separated, even if you/your spouse agree that the marriage is over. Don’t date until you are ready. You could be divorced yet still not ready to date. He and I broke up 2 years ago to date and I have yet to fully move on to another guy. I’ve barely dated and I haven’t had sex at all. Men are definitely trying me. But STILL. I’m just NOT READY!

Don’t mislead who you are dating. Priest led me to believe the process of the official divorce had began. Do NOT lie and say you’ve filed for divorce when you haven’t. DON’T hide that you’re going through a divorce. If directly asked by a date, you should be honest but brief. They don’t need to know every little legal detail. “There are many different situations (i.e., financial concerns, custody issues) that delay the process of a divorce. Most people are understanding and if they’re not you don’t want to be with them anyway. Being honest and open about the status of your relationship is essential to developing trust. Most people lie about their separations or divorce because they know it will turn people away.

Avoid introducing your children to your new partner until your divorce is final. Your children are fragile and sensitive. Clean up the mess first.

Don’t get pregnant or impregnate someone before the divorce is final. This is actually one I wished I followed myself! I put too much faith and trust in Priest and SaDonya. I thought they would keep their word. They led me to believe that their divorce papers were signed sealed and delivered, June 30th 2017. When the truth was SaDonya did not file for divorce until early 2019 and their divorce was not final until our son was almost a year old in March of that same year. I believe that Priest wanted to lead the public to believe that he told me he did NOT want a baby. I believe that initially he wasn’t interested in taking anyone serious just like I wasn’t. After we invested time in each other our desires started to shift. We started to want more from each other. We were more compatible then we expected to be. We fell in love. Or so he led me and the rest of the world to believe. This leads me to the next form of advice.

DON’T get too caught up, too fast. It’s common to romanticize new relationships and quickly get caught up in the whirlwind of falling in love all over again after divorce. “Even if you know your divorce was for the best, it can take some time to truly move past your ex. Men have a more difficult time recovering from breakups than women, and if you start dating too soon it can sabotage your next relationship. Priest and I have a 16 month old son that he has never met. We don’t talk at all and child support is being garnished from his check. SaDonya and I have talked more since the birth of our son than Priest and I have. The damage is severe and the bridge is burnt. I ran 2,000 miles away from him and I hate to look back.

Stop it with the comparisons. Often we compare the new dates to our old relationship. I had a different personality, behavior, and different values but Priest was not mindful of that. He continued to compare me to SaDonya. He should have been focusing on trying to get to know me so we could form a healthy friendship, relationship and loving bond with one another.

A lot of people would not take the risk of dating someone separated. Deception and manipulation can take place in any kind of relationship so we can’t automatically assume that because a person is in the process of a divorce that that means that they aren’t dateable. After a divorce you don’t just fall in love with the first person you see. I made sure I was very communicative with Priest about SaDonya. I asked him on a number of occasions was he sure he no longer had feelings for her and he always reassured me that he didn’t.

Just because a woman is open minded does not mean that she is desperate and thirsty for a man. As I said in the beginning I was not interested in a relationship of any kind nor was I interested in sex when I met him. It was about business for me. I had been single for almost a decade. I took interest in him after time because I thought he was a remarkable man. I believed he had my best interest at heart. I thought that he was selfless. He made me happy and comfortable. I was trying to be understanding and patient. I took the risk because I genuinely loved the man whom I considered my spiritual husband. Someone I had a soultie with. Which was a stupid mistake to a lot of people. But if I regret meeting him then I regret the conception of my son. My son is a blessing. He is a gift from God and had I not been open minded enough to be with Priest during his separation my son would not be here.

Close to the end of my first trimester Priest told me that he still had feelings for SaDonya and that he wanted to date her. This is what led us to break up. I was not going to play tug a war with a woman who he had been married to for 15 years. So I let him go. After the reassuring me that she was never going to be an issue, after I asked him over and over was he sure that he only wanted me and he no longer wanted her, here he was telling me he in fact did have feelings for her a day late and a dollar short.

Priest was against abortion but asked me to consider putting my son up for adoption and I refused. I wasn’t going to allow both of us to be cowards. He may have deceived me, hurt me and betrayed me but I wasn’t going to allow his foolishness to ruin ANOTHER life like he tried to ruin mine. It’s better my son have one GOOD parent than be stuck in the foster care system fighting for his life because his BAD parent suggested it. I will do anything for my son and I love him.

Back to this “thirstiness”….not every woman who gets involved with a man in his position is pressed. Sometimes men meet women who are genuinely kind. Some of us are strong minded and have positive attitudes. I had faith in Priest. I was pulling for him. I am soft hearted and he knew it. I have empathy and compassion. I was loyal and encouraged him to be a better man. But instead of protecting both SaDonya and I from additional hurt he led us both down a dismal path of drama, deceit, heartache and frustration. I have taken accountability and responsibility for my own actions in this situation. My first instinct was to run when he told me he was separated. Some say I should’ve pulled off and left him at the restaurant our first date was at, I could’ve saved myself a lot of pain. My intentions were to never see him again when I slapped money down on the table to take care of the check. I stormed off pissed about his marital status. What an asshole, I thought to myself. But my heart told me not to leave him there. I drove us to the restaurant. Had I pulled off and left Priest there my son would have never had a chance at life. Thank God, I stayed. After that moment nothing would’ve made me leave Priest. NOTHING….but when he walked away leaving me pregnant, severely ill, broke and abandoned in a roach motel seemingly running back to SaDonya. What else was I supposed to do? I ran so far that now he’ll never be able to reach me or his son ever again.

Now I live a life of peace and serenity. I’m healed loved and supported. I have a level of clarity about love life and relationships that I never had before. The lessons that the men that I have dated taught me inadvertently helped me grow immensely as a woman. I know who I am. I know what I want. I value myself now more than ever. Some people may believe that I must have had low self-esteem before interacting with these men. The truth is I was arrogant cocky and conceited before I met them. They turned that into pure self worth and genuine confidence. I believe in myself and I have a healthier self image. I encourage women to never be pressed for any man. I don’t care who he is. What’s right for you will come to you and you will never have to chase a man or go through drama or another woman to keep him. Ladies, don’t kill yourself over a man he’ll bring another b**** he wants to f*** with to your funeral.