(YouTuber & Singer, Queen Naija seen above. After her divorce from Chris Sails she sooner after started a relationship with her now boyfriend Clarence who she just conceived a child with. She rose to fame after releasing her song “Medicine” that was about her failed marriage with Chris Sails. Queen Naija and Chris Sails have a son together named CJ. Clarence does not have any other children.)
There are a lot of ridiculous things on the internet if you haven’t noticed. I see more ignorance on here than I do in the ghettoest Neighborhood Walmart. I always considered the web as a place where we all can look up ACCURATE information. Some sites of course mislead us. But with enough common sense you know how to decipher the difference between propaganda and actual FACTS. This place has become a cesspit of opinions, vitriol content and others desperate for likes, views, followers and subscribers. It’s all about social media and who can win the high school themed popularity contest. As if we have never socialized in real life and aren’t over the age of 25.
Social media has given the people who don’t travel the opportunity to interact with people they never thought they would. Like, “the celebrity” or popular person they admire from a distance. Not only can we interact with “the celebrity” we can accidentally slip on 100k followers on IG and become one. There is so much being done on the internet for shock and awe it’s becoming difficult to find information that is actually suitable enough for you to apply to your own life. This concerns me. The only reason why is because I’ve seen malicious people with the worse intentions steer people in the wrong direction. They have people out here saying and doing a lot of bafoonary. A lot of people don’t even realize how powerful their freedom of speech is. Then there are people that do realize it’s power and end up misusing the power to make people shift gears.
For almost a decade I’ve given relationship advice to men. I’ve interacted with so many men in regards to how they deal with women. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that a lot of the content posted by men was purposely created to attract and breed more hyper masculine toxic men. It’s bad enough that the public perception of men is so unsatisfactory. It gets even worse if you are a Black Man.
I saw somewhere that:
- For various reasons, media of all types collectively offer a distorted representation of the lives and reality of black males.
- In turn, media consumption negatively affects the public’s understandings and attitudes related to black males.
- These distorted understandings and attitudes towards black males lead to negative real-world consequences for them.
Without understanding that their own music, movies and outlandish expectations of each other are what’s making them unfortunately harder to deal with they frivolously indulge in behaviors that seem entertaining but are detrimental to their own personal growth process. Then after they fall victim to the consequences of those choices they blame their own mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, wives and girlfriends for their misfortune. Yes the Black Woman, she is blamed.
Historical legacies of slavery and Jim Crow, the material and economic disparities related to that and other forms of historical racism, the role of the criminal justice system in controlling black males, the flow of resources toward and away from black males, and so on, are all important issues for understanding the current situation for black males in America.
A few days ago, after doing some research on Single Motherhood, I found this blog written by a Black Male who calls himself “Money Cultural”. After reading through his thoughts I realized immediately where he received his misinformation about Black Women from. Another Black Man ON SOCIAL MEDIA. A Black Man will go through 1 experience with a BAD Black Woman that he gave the benefit of the doubt too and dated anyway overlooking the red flags and then classify ALL Black Women as such. This brings me into the Black Single Mother Drag. Don’t date a Black Single Mother, they say. A BSM wants this and that and more assumptions, disdain, preconceived notions and XYZ. When really the woman you chose was just a bad woman. Her being a single mother had nothing to do with it. A mom is one role. A girlfriend is another. Just because she’s a mom doesn’t mean she’ll be a bad girlfriend or wife.
I read this blog thrice. 🙂 Just so I can give my personal thoughts.
HERE IS THE LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST: https://moneycultural.wordpress.com/2019/07/02/the-hunted-man/
I am not going to attack this man intellectually or any other man who disagrees with me. I’m just going to express my own concerns and experiences about what this man wrote.
- He wrote: When it comes to dating especially online dating, which man who is on the black single mother’s radar? Well, it’s not the White man, the Asian man, the Latino man or the bi racial man. It is actually the childless black man. Yeah, the black men who has no children.
Most BSM will tell you that the kind of man we want in our lives is “THE GOOD MAN” regardless of color. We don’t mind a man having children as long as he’s a GOOD FATHER. There are also plenty of women on social media who are encouraging Black Women to date outside of their race. It’s more Black Women looking for NON-BLACK men than BLACK MEN realize.
- He wrote: Look on the dating websites like Tinder, Match.com, Badoo and all of the other dating websites black single mothers looking for a black man with no children. And most of these childless black men are good black men who are living a good productive life.
If these men are living good productive lives they are most likely not going to be on a dating site at all. Finding a good woman is easier in real life for Good Men. The last place any man with some sense would do is go on a dating site. Dating sites are last resort. If they are such amazing men why would they be on a dating site to begin with? I ended up taking the last guy I met on a dating site serious by accident. When I first started talking to him I expected nothing from him but a couple of dates. I didn’t even expect us to have sex. Now we have a child together. We were supposed to get married. At 5 months pregnant he played me. I took the L. Most women know not to take dating sites seriously. It is rare that we meet anyone worth meeting on a dating site. Outside of my son’s father I have never got on a dating site and expected something good to come out of it. If you meet someone and fall in love that is an exception to a rule. The success rate for online dating is low.
- He wrote: But the thing is that good black men are not dating these black single mothers because they do not want to deal with a woman which children, especially if she has one child. And these single black single mothers will put on a huge tantrum when they get rejected by good black men when they finds out that these black women are single mothers with a whole leap of children.
Good Black Men ARE dating BSM. Most of my female friends are married. At some point they were divorced or single. What we all seem to have in common is WE ARE MOMS and none of us have a problem finding a man who is interested in us and our kids. It is because we are GOOD WOMEN. Most Good Black Men realize that just because another man made a mistake by letting go of a good woman that doesn’t mean he also has to make that mistake. Spare me with the, if she was a good woman why did he let her go? Think about that question. If you are male and you are reading this you have met a woman that was good for you and you wasn’t ready for the relationship. It doesn’t mean you are a bad man or that she is a bad woman it just means that you weren’t prepared. I’m not saying all situations are like that however I am saying there are single mothers who are GOOD WOMEN. Each man defines what a GOOD WOMAN is to him. Not every Good Black Man has a hangup about becoming a stepfather. No man I’ve ever dated has ever given me slack about being a Single Mom. He understood. Most Good Men I’ve dated have children of their own. The ones that didn’t just wanted to know would I be open to having more.
He wrote: Let’s say that she has three kids. As you found out that she is a single mother, you stop talking to her and you walk off. No, better yet. You run like hell!
BSM are NOT pressed. We aren’t going to have a tantrum because we are rejected by a man. It’s rare we get rejected by a man. Too many of us are approached by dozens of men a day. There is no shortage of men. If you run from a woman because she has a child or children it says you are a coward NOT smart. What do people do when they are afraid? THEY RUN! Not every experience is identical. There are good moms out here who also know how to be good wives and girlfriends.
- He wrote: When a good black man goes after a black woman for a date or for a relationship, he gets rejected. But when he says that he doesn’t want to date a single mother, everyone looks at him as a villain. How can anyone, mostly in the so called black community calling a black man a villain if he doesn’t want a woman with children?
When are men going to stop considering men and women equal when it’s convenient for them? We all get rejected at some point in our lives. However, men get rejected by women more often because they are more likely to pursue. THEY ARE MEN! Men are classified as a villain when they reject single moms because of their shallow reason for why they are rejecting us. If she treated you poorly it would make sense to reject her. A door to door salesmen gets rejected a lot more than a man who is a sales associate at a T-Mobile. Randomly knocking on a strangers door asking them do they want to buy something they didn’t initially take interest in is bound to get that salesperson rejected. However, if you are a sales associate at a place where people are walking in looking to buy you have a better success rate. Same for men who randomly approach women.
Men have to understand that MOTHER is one role and GIRLFRIEND is another. They don’t have the same meaning. To instantly reject a woman romantically because she has children is equivalent to a woman rejecting you romantically because you can’t bench press 500 lbs, you can’t build a house, or you choose to pay someone to do your landscaping instead of mowing the lawn yourself. Choosing not to date a single mother is alright. Just admit that you are shallow. It’s ok.
- He wrote: Why don’t everybody look at the single black mother as the villain because she is the one who is destroying the black community with this black matriarchy, raising these children without a father in the household and making these young black boys kill each other in the streets…
When are men going to stop with the depicting themselves to be a superhero regardless to how much damage they have done? He just blamed violence in these streets on BSM. He just blamed Black Men abandoning their children on BSM. Let me tell you a thing or two about Good Black Men, NONE OF THEM HAVE ABANDONED THEIR CHILDREN, for starters. Good Black Men fight for their children. They try to get custody and visitation. They don’t just disappear. They pay child support. Or they do what they are supposed to do so filing for child support isn’t even considered. Most single mothers are barely getting $200 a month from fathers they put on child support. Most of the fathers are only put on child support because they refused to handle their responsibilities. Most women have enough sense not to have a baby with a man she knows is irresponsible. Please understand that, Bad Men don’t walk around advertising that they have nefarious intentions. What villian is going to scream from them mountain tops that that’s what they are? They’d never get what they wanted if they put themselves on blast. Yes BSMs have made a poor choice in a man, if they abandon their child. But why is she being blamed for not knowing who he truly was from beginning? He knew he had bad intentions and still participated. He is to blame for the demise of the Black Family. Most women don’t want to raise a child without their father unless he is extremely toxic. We want the help. When we have to beg men to help, most times we give up and handle it on our own. We don’t have time to beg a man to be in the life of his own child. If someone has to beg a man to be a father to his own blood something is wrong with HIM not her.
He wrote: Why they are so many black single mothers chasing after these good black men? The reason for that is because she is using him as insurance. Right, let me explain. When it comes to looking for a black man, she wants him to have his own home, his own car, make sure he makes a six figure salary, make sure he has a good job and so on. But when she sees a good black man, now she is calling him corny, lame, he’s a nice guy; he’s masculine and he’s not my type. So she puts him on the shelf and dates Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12. By the time she get dick down by these thugs, criminals and the unproductive men and has children with them, then she goes back to the good black man when he becomes successful or have something going on in his life so she looks at him as an insurance policy when she sees him having his own car, his own house, his own money, making six figures a year. But then she gets rejected by the good black man because he will refuse to date a single mother.
These little boys and their fantasies, I tell ya. It’s humorous. I’ve chuckled a couple of times rereading his blog. The arrogance and conceit displayed in his words are disappointing. Let me reassure most men that, (especially if you consider yourself a Good Black Man) most BSM don’t have time to date. We aren’t chasing anything because we are literally too busy to. It takes a lot of energy to raise kids when they do have their Father around. Imagine the energy required to take care of a child alone. Most of us have our own education, car, job and salaries. We are working BSM. Most of my friends are nurses, paralegals, my mom was an accountant raising me. In order to NOT live in poverty or be on government assistance we have to WORK. The traditional woman who is making sure a man has a good job is doing that because these women were taught that men are providers. The new age woman who is making sure a man has a good job is doing that because we want to make sure he matches us economically. We already have enough of a load to carry raising kids alone. We don’t want to have to financially factor in our MAN as another child. History has shown most women that when we do entertain a man who has potential, he either doesn’t live up to his own expectations or when he does finally get to a good place financially and career wise he leaves for a woman he classifies as better than us. Instead of him displaying a level of loyalty, he leaves. Forget sticking to the woman that helped you make it, move on to whoever you now consider on your level.
Contrary to popular belief just because you are a nice guy doesn’t mean you are a match to every woman on the planet. Being nice is not the only character trait a good women wants in a man. There are other things we are attracted to. Not every good man or nice man is corny or lame. If a woman is calling you corny or lame…. it is coincidental that you are also nice. Being nice doesn’t mean you aren’t corny or lame. There are also buttholes who are corny and lame. “He’s not my type because he’s masculine.” SAID NO GOOD WOMAN EVER! This man is confused. IDK what YouTube video he watched or low energy Black Male he listened to, but that man has this man CONFUSED. A BSM is not interested in Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12, because these men are bad for our children. If she has seen what a good man is and has experienced one she would not choose those types. Any woman with half of a brain would NOT date those types of men or have those types of men around her children. The only reason a woman would even consider dating those types of men would be because she herself is a product of the environment she grew up in where those men were her leaders. She doesn’t know any better. You have to have a level of compassion for any person who is doing only what they know. If you know better you do better.
Please keep in mind:
Black Men are faced with achieving masculinity [in media representations] through their corporal selves as physical threats (i.e., as athlete, rapper, drug dealer or gang member) as opposed to their intellectual contributions. To be viewed as assertive and aggressive is valued in our culture. So some women who have been watching too much tv think these type of men are appealing. Also a lot of Black men prefer to sexually objectify women and support toxic masculinity as a means to bond with each other. The aggressive male are presented as part of the dominant ideology in the Black community. Men don’t want to be GOOD MEN. They want to be Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12.
At the time I’m writing this blog, my daughter is 19. Her father is classified all across the board as a GOOD MAN at 43. He is in Telecommunications/Information Technology. He is a good provider, a good father. He wore glasses, button ups and slacks to work. He is educated. He went to college. He grew up with both of his parents. He barely uses profanity and I’ve only gotten into 2 arguments with him out of the 25 years I’ve known him. Women have called him corny and lame plenty of times. But what they don’t know is at 22, he was a drug dealer and going to college. He did it before I met him and while we were together. For 5 years after we met he was a corporate thug, going to work in the day time and at night dealing drugs. He’d put on his leather jacket, jeans and Timberland boots, hopped in his luxury car and did what he has to do. When our daughter was born he stopped dealing drugs altogether. He stopped dealing drugs and replaced that side hustle with delivering food and packages. He always had a nice things, his own place, he always dressed nice. He is a good looking man. He is responsible, easy to talk to and has goals and ambition. He is picky about women. He is very selective and always has been. He is not walking around here rejecting single moms. He’s rejecting women who play games, are dishonest, have no goals, have no ambition, promiscuous women, women who treat him poorly. He has never been married. We broke up after our daughter was born but he never left either of us alone to fend for ourselves. We had plenty of conversations about marriage. We both knew we wanted to be good parents. We always had a good friendship. Our relationship was good. He didn’t want our relationship anymore because of a personal issue he had that had nothing to do with me but he did NOT abandonment us. He was always there for our daughter and still is.
At the time I’m writing this blog, My son is 1 years old. His father is a coward, a liar, and a narcissist. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and over looked the red flags. He wasn’t always bad to me. He wasn’t perfect but I loved him anyway. I thought so highly of him. I was extremely kind, catering, loving, submissive and open minded with him. He seemed intelligent, he enjoyed having fun and being social. HE HAD POTENTIAL TO BE GREAT. At least that’s what I saw in him. He was never a drug dealer, never a thug. He always held down a job. A low paying one, but he loved to work. He had goals he wanted to accomplish but never applied himself. He seemed like the perfect person for me until I realized he was never going to apply himself. He wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer but he had PHYSICAL strength. A sense of masculinity that was attractive. He was my healer. ..My protector. I thought he was my friend. He had no real education. He grew up with a mother, a father and a step father. He didn’t graduate from high school. He was separated when I met him, now divorced. He has no other children. He has NEVER met our son. Fear set in when I was 5 months pregnant and he selfishly left. That says a lot about his character. We had plenty of conversations about marriage and children. We made plans. We knew we wanted to be good parents. We were also concerned about money. After he denied our son I filed for child support. He asked to be on child support. Saying I needed to prove our son was his. After the DNA test came back positive he was ordered to pay $269 a month. Being as though I make more money than he does his payments are low. I am responsible for 67% of my son’s expenses by law. I have custody of our son.
I explained this because what I want men to understand is that what makes a person a bad person is their character, not because they made a mistake or poor choice in a partner. Not because they have children. Male or female. SO when you choose women, choose them based upon how well they treat you. Not every woman you meet is trying to use you for what you have. But NO woman wants to be handling everything ALONE. Men don’t want that either. I can tell you as a single mother, handling everything alone is hard. It’s not impossible but it’s hard.
Even though both of my relationships ended only 1 of those men chose to still be a father. He understood that boyfriend and father are two different roles. I moved my son out of a predominantly Black area so we could grow up in a multicultural environment. There he can learn different cultures, ways of living and perspectives of life. That way he’d have a better CHARACTER. I moved 2,000 miles away from Atlanta to California for my SON. My daughter didn’t grow up in a predominantly Black area either. I want my kids to see the world, not just the four corners of the hood. So I work my ass off for my kids, ALONE when I have to. Any man worth my attention should admire that. Any man that loves me will love my kids because they are a part of me. They will never look at my kids as if they are some burden. If my better choices for my kids make it to where I have to eliminate a toxic FATHER, then so be it.
He wrote: When black single mothers get rejected by good black men, they are now stuck with the man that she doesn’t want to be with and that is the simp. The simp or the captain save a hoe will date a woman with children in an instant. The simp will say something stupid like the black woman needs protecting. Oh boy! Why would you protect a hoodrat while she is living off by government assistance? She looks like she’s protected to me. Nothing is wrong loving black women or being with one but there are some black women you can’t be with, all because a ratchet black woman can cause a huge amount of problems for any black man.
Black women need protecting because they are important not because they are weak. Nor do they suddenly don’t need protecting because they are living off of government assistance. If anything, you as a GOOD BLACK MAN, should lead a woman struggling into a better state of living. GOOD BLACK MEN are leaders they know how to see a woman having a difficult time economically and teaching her how to improve. Not every BSM is a hoodrat. Not ever BSM is ratchet. Even if she is on government assistance, trust me the assistance she is getting is chump change that’s why she’s still in the hood. If the government was giving her all of this amazing support her and her children would not be struggling somewhere in the projects. Of course ratchet women can cause a problem in a man’s life, vice versa for women. If we make a poor choice in man he can cause all hell to break loose. I had a lot of rebuilding to do after my son’s father’s havoc.
Single Mothers are looking for GOOD MEN, regardless of color. Of course this man isn’t speaking of a SBM like me. I’m out here doing my thing. A good thing. I’ve learned so much and yes I’ve made plenty of mistakes. Just like the next person. Yes there are women out their that cause problems. I’m just not one of them. Some have even tried to make it seem like I am, not even knowing me. There are bad women out there. But it isn’t because they are single mothers. It’s because their character is in question. Just because I am a BSM doesn’t mean I have a bad character. It just means I chose the wrong partner. Most of us would not choose a matriarch…we had no choice.