Tag Archives: single mom

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now

Written By: Kei Latrice

Okay, you might be asking yourself, is it really possible to raise a child to become a baby mama or daddy? Like, are parents actually out here training their kids to be solo-dolo moms and dads, for God sakes? Or, better yet, I know a few of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “here comes another self-righteous asshole looking down their nose on non-married people with kids!”– I get it. Parenthood is hard enough, especially when the task is taken on alone, or even as part of a co-parent situation; the last thing any single parent needs, then, is another conservative, “Yaaay, I dodged a bullet”, know it all, telling them how to raise, or in this case, not raise their kids.

So, I’m not going to do that– pass judgment, that is. Instead, I’m going to use those three fingers that always point back at someone, when one points out of course, to tell my own story in three parts. So here goes: The first thing I should note, is that I am married, although most people already know that. Number two–My husband and I have five children, which many of my readers already know as well. Number three, however, is what might be more of a shocker– and that is how I was not married when I conceived my first child. Feel free to clutch your pearls and gasp!

giphy-10
So babe, how you feeling our new apartment?

See, what had happened was this, Des, (who was just my boyfriend at the time), and I, thought it would be a great idea for me to ditch my graduate school dormitory, and for him to move out of his slum lord apartment, so that the two of us could shack up. It just made sense. We could save on bills, enjoy movie nights and pizza in bed whenever we wanted to, and most importantly, have easy access to early morning sex– a duh! I mean, what twenty-something year old wouldn’t want that? Everything was perfect– even without furniture and in spite of our overpriced rent, until the day I regailed that extra pink line on my doomsday, I mean pregnancy stick.

giphy-11
Oh hell no– it’s really two lines on here!

Of course I was shocked; the trepidation of not knowing what my life would look like with a child, replaced what should have been a feeling of joy. Des and I had talked about getting married, eventually, but nothing was set in stone. I’ll never forget the day we told my mother: in a restaurant, over pasta and salad, we showed her our plastic truth stick (gross, I know, but hey, we were twenty-ish and dumb) and my mom simply cried. Later, she admitted that her worst fears had come true: I was unmarried and pregnant and might have to raise a child alone.

Be sure to check out Soncerae’s latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

But now, let’s talk about how crazy both of our reactions were, (my mother’s and mine), especially since there had been no Whodini stunt, nor was I the victim of an immaculate conception. I got pregnant the good old fashioned way because we weren’t using protection. It really shouldn’t have been a shock. More importantly, though, the title of baby mama was the very status that I had been groomed for from childhood, and I would have become that, had it not been for our (shotgun) wedding. Let me explain how:

giphy-18.gif
The Married Couple I knew. We hung out with them every Thursday at 8.

I Had Little to No Examples! Virtually every woman I knew growing up, raised their children without fathers in the home. That was my norm. Fathers came around, sometimes, and gave financial support, occasionally. They rarely lived with the women they had children with and they certainly weren’t married. The married couples I saw growing up were either on television, or, if I encountered them in real life, they didn’t look like me.

My Bar Wasn’t Set That High. In grade school, my aunt promised me $100 if remained childless until after my high school graduation. In my family, having a baby before marriage wasn’t what brought you shame, it was more so being a teenaged mom. At around 19, this same aunt gave me the conception green light. I’d not only graduated from high school, but I was also working, and (in her eyes) somewhat self-sufficient. This meant I’d met my family childbirth standards and could now get pregnant without being shunned. As for my mother and her opinion on the subject, well, let’s just say I had her example, instead of her words.

giphy-14
Me making it to graduation baby free!

I Had No Actionable Plan. So this one was a bit trickier; as far as having children and being married, I knew I wanted both, but I never really considered the order in which I’d get them. If I had actually taken the time to think about it, I might have been just a little more hesitant about that whole shack up and anytime sex situation with Des. I also would have likely been prepared for, and thus excited about my first pregnancy, instead of just surprised and confused.

My mother, my aunt, and all the women in my family did the best they could to steer me in a positive direction, still they couldn’t prepare me for what they didn’t know. Now, I have the benefit of using the blueprint of their lives and combining it with mine, to help my sons and daughters make better choices. Here’s how:

giphy-16

I Always Speak of Their (future) Husbands and Wives. Little girls love to fantasize; I know from personal experience, and now having two daughter of my own, I see it with them even more. When they speak on boyfriends, or love, or dating, however, I make make it a point to tie those things to their future husband. For example, if my daughter, who is ten, mentions dating, I’ll say something to this effect, “never date someone who wouldn’t make a good husband.” Then we’ll go into all the things that make a man husband material. Or, when my youngest daughter talks about being a mommy, I always address the topic in a plural sense. So, for example, I’ll say, “when you and your husband have a baby,” or, “you need to be married first,”. I do the same thing with my sons. “Never have sex with a woman you couldn’t see being your wife,” is something I say to them often. When my sons balk at doing hard tasks, I’ll remind them of the wife and children who’ll one day depend on them. The takeaway is this: This type of dialogue lets our children know what our family expectations are and helps them to develop a marital mindset.

I Put My Own Marriage on a Pedestal. Ask any one of my children who my favorite person is and even my youngest, who is five, will answer “Dad”. In fact, my kids often tease me when I whine about missing Des and say, “Sheesh, Dad hasn’t even been gone that long.”, but I can’t help it. Yes, I absolutely adore my children; Each one occupies a piece of my heart that makes up one whole. Nevertheless, as much as I love them, their Father is the one person I most want to spend time with, cuddle with, hang out with, and talk to, because he was there before them and will (fingers crossed) be there after they’ve gotten families of their own. The Takeaway is this: We’re instilling in our children the critical importance of putting your marriage first and that successful families have a natural and meaningful order.

giphy-17
When you and hubby are each other’s favorite person!

I Encourage Them To Be Intentional. When it came to areas such as education and career, I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve and how to accomplish it. Regarding love and starting a family, however, I was way more willy-nilly and unprepared. That’s why I’m teaching my children to be methodical about both. For instance, I pose questions that make them think about how a family will fit into their long term goals. I advise them about the pitfalls of reckless sex and ways of avoiding them, and I give them examples of how their choices will effect them for generations. The Takeaway is this: We are instilling into our children the concept that planning for a family is as crucial, if not more so, than planning for an education or career.

Now, for the critics– the ones who’ll point out that there aren’t any guarantees; the ones who’ll swear that kids are going to do what they want regardless, I’d tell them all that they’re right. See, our children have these peculiar things in them called, minds of their own. Despite all of our teachings and best efforts, they will ultimately make their own decisions in life. Still, the optimist in me can’t help but try anyway. Sure, I could miss the mark as a parent, in getting them to not be a baby mama or daddy, but, I will absolutely miss it if I just do nothing. I’d say, I have a good 50/50 chance. Plus, I already have proof this goal is acheivable. I came from a clan full a baby mama’s, and now just look at me– I’m a stressed-out happily married mother of five nerve-wracking beautiful kids. That’s a hell-of-enough evidence for me!

giphy-15.gif
Babe, we did it! We actually pulled this thing off!!!

Tell us what you think? Are parent’s really out here raising kids up to be baby mamas and daddies? If so, tell us how and if not, tell us why? We want to hear from you!

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now original post https://thetalkship.com/2019/05/16/stop-raising-baby-mamas-and-daddies/

Written By: Kei Latrice

Be sure to check out my latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

Why I Opened Up A Trust Fund For My Son

One of the first things I did after I gave birth was open up a trust fund for my son. After, being homeless and pregnant, abandoned by his father and moving 2,000 miles away from Georgia to California. So I could have a better life, I promised myself I’d never live another day in poverty and neither will my children. My oldest Daughter Dominique, 19, has lived a life of privilege because both her dad and I were able to provide a good life for her. She also experienced life without the financial assistance of her dad and I. On the road to financial freedom I wanted to make sure that both of my children understand generational wealth and the lack thereof. As a single mother, society often pins the poverty ball and chain to our ankles. As if the absence of a man, father or husband deems us incompetent. Granted 100 years ago there were things women weren’t allowed to do. Like, vote, stand up against sexual harassment, get a credit card, serve on a jury, run a marathon, attend an Ivy League college, stay on the job during pregnancy, be taken serious in the military or on the police force, or get an abortion. Thanks to the feminists now we get to tie our own shoes and everything.

There are some disadvantages of being a single mother and one is a decreased income after divorce or break ups. What slips everyone’s mind is that the man leaving the marriage also takes a financial hit. If after a divorce a husband becomes a single father would people suddenly disrespect him how they do single mothers? No! They’d praise him for standing up and taking care of his children without their mother. Of course family income is great. There is a partnership in place there. If you are married the joint income is highly beneficial. If you’ve never been married and receive child support benefits or not you can still have financial stability. People forget to mention how empowering it is to do things on your own regardless of your gender.

YOU get to decide how to spend your money.

YOU make the financial plans.

YOU will also be able to help your children understand finances and teach them to manage money better.

Being a single parent will mean that you help your child be a team player and work together as a team, instead of making your child rely on you for every little thing. Your child will learn the importance of planning and handling his or her actions. When you want to do something for the house, such as get a new piece of furniture or even go grocery shopping, chances are you will always ask your child for their opinion. Not only will it make your child feel important, but it will also instill a sense of responsibility that will come from participating in team work and everyday decision-making process. – Debolina Raja

Of course we as single mothers need a support system. But the outdated stigma placed on us has begin to remove itself. People are starting to understand that a single parent home is just a different home not a broken one.

Children in single parent families spend more one-on-one time with their parent. This allows the two to establish a closer bond with one another.

Children from single parent homes are taught how to be responsible early on.

Independence develops early on, making the child come out ahead of others his or her age in that regard.

Two parents aren’t necessary for success. Friends and relatives of either gender can teach children. There are children who still end up being great human beings because they at least had 1 great parent. All it takes is a good loving disciplined environment for a child to turn out well rounded whether they are raised by a male or female, parent or guardian. It takes a village, I say. I need all of the positive collaborators I can stand. A child doesn’t need just his father or just his mother. A household doesn’t come crumbling to the ground simply because a man isn’t present in it. Children do step outside of their homes and run into all types of influences that can be detrimental or helpful to the process of their growth.

Fortunately, for me I am not on government assistance. I was encouraged to do so and some people even refuse to believe to this day that I’m not on it. Even though SECTION 8 is closed in San Francisco people automatically assumed I was on it once I moved into one of my new homes earlier this year. Instead of celebrating that I went from homelessness to now living in a beautiful home, they begin to discredit my efforts and improvements. Some assumed I’d stay homeless forever. Not realizing that I am a college educated, very determined, intelligent woman who also happens to be resourceful. I made a poor choice in trusting a man to lead me. Trusting him with my survival turned out to be detrimental to me and the son we conceived together.

Contrary to what’s being force fed to the masses these stereotypes hold no validity to me and the single mothers I associated with:

Single moms are the least likely women to get married or remarried.

Children in single-parent families always have deficits, do poorly in school and suffer emotionally and behaviorally.”

Children raised by single moms actually resent and hate their mothers”

Single mothers are unable to give their sons the upbringing that they need and once they have to face the world, they prove to be failures since they lacked a man living at home.

Youth raised by a single mom are at higher risk for substance abuse.

Children are at greater risk of physical abuse in single mother households than in single father households.

High Youth Crime Rates are a direct result of not having a father at home.

Single moms are lonely and have a hard time finding a new man.

A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother.

Children growing up without a father in the home are more than twice as likely to end up in jail.

Not only am I proof that all of those statements are untrue. I am not the only adult who was raised in a single parent home that turned out decent. Of course I’ve made mistakes just like the average person but this wasn’t because I was sporadically raised by a single mother. It’s because I was not taught certain things that most parents both mother and father teach their children. I learned from valuable lessons from the people in my family as well as some poor habits. My mom was somewhat negligent. Mainly because of her work schedule and tending to my step father and his shenanigans. Don’t get me started on that. After meeting my biological Father I’m glad she kept him away from me. He was a mess. He was dishonorably discharged from the military…..let that sit with you.

My mother was an accountant. She didn’t teach me much about accounting. She just handed me a check book with my name on it. I was confused. I’ve always had an interest in finance, economics, business, technology, psychology, sociology, spirituality and metaphysics. I knew one day that these interests would generate me multiple sources of income. I started my first job at 15 and my first business at 18. I am currently a business owner. I love what I do. There is still room for improvement.

Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com to get tips on how to improve your finances.

This ride has been a wild one though. I’ve been evicted twice and homeless twice. Let me just say homeless and pregnant is much more severe that my college days of sleeping on my friend’s couch and eating top ramen, oriental flavor. This was a whole different level. Ending up in a domestic violence shelter and not knowing where my next meal would come from is terrifying. So now more than ever I think about what I’d do in the future in case something drastic happens. It’s all about simply making better choices. Like choosing a credit union instead of a traditional bank account, avoiding debt and not relying on a man to provide for me and my children. It makes no sense for women to be out here screaming “MISS INDEPENDENT” then the second they have a child they want to rely on a man for financial stability. Feminists have been out here fighting for us to do our own thing. Stop relying on these men for your survival. Co parenting and even marriage are a partnership. If you choose the wrong man you will still be living in poverty whether you are married to him or not.

Like I told YouTuber Paris Milan after her community post:

Oooh chile, y’all triggered on the last post. According to y’all, majority of single mothers became that way after a divorce, widowed, or if they had em out oow then they are NOT struggling financially. My question is, does a man’s income whom you have your child with, NOT make a difference? Is that a figment of my imagination?

I said: Majority of the single moms I know in Northern California are divorced and arent black. It isnt a man’s income that’s important. It’s his ability to be committed to the partnership. We can make money together. If his income matters SO DOES MINE. We are a team.

A friend of mine and I were discussing my interest in opening a Laundromat and buying into a Franchise. He told me that he and his wife opened a laundromat then bought a Chick-Fil-A. She has since passed away and he just closed on an apartment building. They were both making 6 figures a year and they have 2 children. He is a single father now. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would’ve done the same thing he did for their children. He said it was her that believed in him and saw in him what he didn’t see in himself. She helped him become successful before she passed away. Yes a blessed union between two people is admirable but at the same time if something happens to one parent the other needs to kick into gear.

My son’s father was not in the best place financially when my son was born. I knew he wasn’t financially stable when I met him. So my goal was to encourage him to improve. When I met him I was financially getting back on my feet from a hard hit. Then my pregnancy threw me for a loop and I was struggling myself, AGAIN. My son’s father was no help. While severely ill instead of him working harder to keep us afloat until I could get back in place he ran and left me to fend for myself. He encouraged me to move back in with my ex. Like that made sense. I was supposed to ask my ex to let me move in with him while I’m pregnant by another man? What type of Maury Povich, Love & Hip Hop bullshit was he on? It wasn’t until months later I realized that he asked me to move in with my ex because his ex was his crutch and he could go move in with her with ease. She played his momma on more than one occasion. I ended up in a roach motel doing crowd funding and asking for donations from people I knew on social media. It was embarrassing but I had to do it. Other people helped me moved to California. If it wasn’t for their kindness I wouldn’t be here. My son was financially taken care of the first year of his life. We had raised a lot of money. He had all of the clothes and toys he needed. I owe my friends, family, associates, business partners and supporters my life. Had they not been pulling for me and wanting me to get out of the mess I was in I don’t think I would’ve made it.

My 19 year old daughter, Dominique and I talk about generational wealth all of the time. We think about multiple ways to generate income that will last in our family for centuries. We want to give our kids and our kids, kids something to build off of. I’ve taught her the important of building and investing her money. She uses an app called Acorns to help her with her investments and uses CashApp for her bitcoins. I was so proud of her this morning when I dropped her off at the San Francisco International Airport. She was dressed in her business casual attire, ready to hop on a first class United Airlines flight. She was headed to Washington, DC to see her Father and his side of the family. The fact that my daughter has been on an airplane under the age of 21 3x the amount of times I took flight under that age is impressive. She is simply a better version of me. It’s extraordinary. Not only is she investing in herself I myself have invested in a life insurance policy and an irrevocable trust fund for my son. I can place cash, stock, real estate or other valuable assets in his trust. My goal is to put whatever property I purchase after buying into a franchise into my son’s trust. He will only be able to receive monthly payments from his trust AFTER he has completed 4 years of college. The stipulation is that he has to complete 4 years of college and receive a Bachelor’s Degree before he is 25 years of age. Or he can use the money if he has expenses due to an injury or disability. The child support payments that are currently being garnished from his Father’s pay are going into his trust fund account. The goal is to make this a lasting legacy for my grandchildren as well.

Living in San Francisco, California, I am in a completely different tax bracket than I was when I resided in Atlanta, Georgia. We are all millionaires here. It’s another standard of living. I wanted to challenge myself. I have and I’ve grown. Something as simple as learning what a net income is, or what EBITDA stands for is a good place to start for anyone on the path to financial freedom. Everything is a learning process. I’ve taken my experiences and used them as a way to motivate myself to not only generate more money but to manage it better. My legacy has always been important to me. Becoming an exceptional mother is a the top of that list. Part of what makes me a good mom is being able to provide for my children and teach them how to be self sufficient. My son is 16 months old now by the time he turns 18 he will be a multi-millionaire. I’ll make sure of it.

The Type of Man Who’s Willing To Marry The Notorious Single Mother

Some people have held my past choices against me. I’ve heard someone have the nerve to tell me my past was checkered. Not that that wasn’t an accurate statement but I was confused. They spoke of my past like they didn’t have one and I was convicted of murder in the first degree. A checkered past is one that involves periods of time that were good and periods of time that were bad. So why are people so judgmental like they have never made a mistake or had bad taste? People are always talking about what you used to do like they never shit their pampers. Somebody broke up with me during my pregnancy. It’s not unheardof. I was a lingerie model, wasn’t the first one. Definitely wasn’t the last. I was honest about havin sex with a married man almost 10 years ago. Mistresses and side chicks are more common than the average person wants to admit. I’ve been transparent about it all on purpose. Why? Because these are things people are afraid to be honest about because they’ll be ridiculed. Meanwhile those same people who ridicule the most have done worse.

I remember why I was a mistress. Before I made that choice I kept getting hurt and abused. I was cheated on over and over. I was trying to get over the woman I used to be. The faithful one. The one who was pressed for marriage. The woman with the engagement ring on, cooped up in the house, waiting for my fiance to come back in town. While he was out frolicking with his side chick in Miami, his other side chicks in Atlanta would call my phone and brag about how good his d**k was. Yeah I was that dumbo. I finally got sick of it and freed myself. I tried anything I could sexually to open up. I did a split on top of a married man quick. Let me stop. I’m exaggerating. I wasn’t that savage. He wasn’t married when I met him. We were just friends at first. I knew he would be getting married eventually. I was just fine with him not wanting to do that with me. One would believe that this encounter would be the main reason why people chastise me most. NOPE….it’s that I’m a single mom. Yep. A single mom. No he didn’t get me pregnant. BY THE GRACE OF GOD! But I avoided relationships for almost a decade after that.

I have had poor taste in men sometimes, so I’ve been the woman out here with a bullhorn begging other women to not choose what I have. I don’t want to steal life lessons from the ladies but I do want women to avoid the heartache I have experienced. All over my YouTube channel I’ve tried my hardest to share stories of my mistakes as honestly as possible. Being a mistress didn’t even cause me heartache. It introduced me to a new way of doing things. New kinds of relationships and my own sexuality. Of course I’d never do it again. Not because I didn’t gain anything from the experience. But because I am no longer in that place. Also I don’t want to hurt another woman. I don’t encourage a married women to expect a mistress to protect her marriage or relationship when her own husband or boyfriend doesn’t have respect for it. I can also reassure women that if it’s not one woman it will be another if in fact your husband or boyfriend is hell bent on cheating. As insecure as I was I can tell you that the last person I was thinking about was his wife. I was trying to make it past my own pain daily. I spent most of that experience under the influence of alcohol, running from my own problems. I was heavily sedated throughout it ON PURPOSE. My experience with him served it’s purpose. Not like I fell in love. I was so broken from the relationships prior to my experience with him that I didn’t have the wholeness required to love anyone but my self. He was on my low level at the time. The kind of heartache that was the worse kind happened later on when I did fall in love with the wrong man and subjected myself to catering to a man that was not on my level intellectually, spiritually, financially or emotionally. I ended up pregnant and he abandoned us both. It doesn’t bother me that he left the relationship. I was more hurt at how he treated an innocent child. Our son is almost 2 and I’m considering taking another man serious. Here are some things I’m sure any new man who comes into my life could possibly be concerned about or that I myself am concerned about.

  1. My new man will think: I’m still in love with my baby daddy and because we have a child together he’ll always be able to have access to me and my vagina.

Sorry to inform you but I’m sure he and I have a mutual hate for each other that is deep rooted enough to melt any type of love any person can imagine we have for one another. Unless people loved each other, kids won’t make them stick together. If it was meant for us to be with each other we probably wouldn’t have broken up to begin with. Especially being as though we have a child together. I wouldn’t let that serpent touch me. He has too many demons.

It’s hard to judge a book by its contents, when the cover tells a lying story. Lame males will front & play the role of a MAN when they first meet a woman, then once she gives him her heart & her loyalty before requiring his faithful commitment, he switches up & reveals himself for the mentally immature little boy he is. – Ebrahim Aseem

2. Some people think no one will want to help me raise my son. Men are terrified of the responsibility of taking care of someone else’s child.

Not every male is weak. There are real men out there who are Alpha and can handle the role of being a step father. It takes strength however it also takes maturity. Boys aren’t afraid of being stepfathers they are just too immature to handle that responsibility. When a grown man deeply loves a woman he loves all of her. Including her children because they are a part of her.

3. Some men are intimidated by me. I’ve achieved so much and I am extremely successful. Men will run from that.

In case you didn’t know, most single mothers are successful. They have money in the bank. We pay our own bills and do our own thing. A man is not necessary for our survival. HOWEVER, there are men out there who love that they are a luxury to us. They are happy to not be holding the burden of solely providing. They know that relationships are a partnership. And if I can hold my own without a man, as long as I am healthy, I can definitely hold up my end inside of a relationship.

4. Some men think I’m so desperate for marriage. And that because I’m a single mom when I date, I put all of my marriage hopes on that man. Even before marriage is mentioned, I show a man I am wife material.

A man is lucky if he can get a home cooked meal from me. Especially with me not being his wife yet. I honestly do not have the bandwidth to do anything spectacular for a man to take interest in me. He’s going to love me for exactly who I am because jumping through hoops will never be what I do. I have potty training to consider, fruit and veggies to mash up so my son can eat, I have a job, a business and side hustles to tend to. I do not have time to think about marriage. Even if I’m dating. I will be surprised if I’m proposed to. Marriage is another job. Most women who know better are not pressed to hop in one. People pressure us to be married because we didn’t get married to the father or fathers of our child or children. I have a standard that most men will never meet. My son’s father barely touched it while on his tippy toes. He definitely f***** up that opportunity by squandering his riches. It will take a man doing grand gestures of the romantic kind who has impeccable moral character for me to consider marrying him.

Stop with the assumptions fellas, start asking questions. Contrary what you’ve been told by beta males who are challenged in the penis department, dating a single mother is pretty cool. If you are going to date us this is what you need to understand.

  1. Be prepared by being flexible with your schedule. We will not be hounding you around. We have too much to do. I will understand if you have to cancel.
  2. Don’t assume the position of step dad. The idea that all single moms are dating with the exclusive goal of finding someone to marry us and alleviate some of the parenting burden and keep our kids from growing up in a Broken Home™ (*insert overly dramatic anguish face here*) is offensive, in addition to being laughably wrong in so many cases. Most women who do NOT have children are dating you for the exclusive goal of finding someone who wants to marry them.
  3. Our homes are not BROKEN they are just DIFFERENT. Broken is the man who decided to abandon us. If he wasn’t he’d be the Father he protested he would be before our son was conceived. There was something wrong with HIM. Not me and my son. There is nothing broken about my home.
  4. Stop thinking of me as a “SINGLE MOM” and just think of me as a woman that you are attracted to and want to go on a date with. I’m different from other women only because I have stricter boundaries than they do. I do not negotiate.
  5. I am independent and resourceful. I’m raising my son alone. Do not expect me to be clingy or rely on you for everything. If you want space or time to yourself I will most likely respond, “OK”. Just like most single mothers would. We are used to being on our own.
  6. The way single mothers love is different. We are unconditional. We learn to love harder because our kids are all we have. Our patience, love, and capability for nurturing has more depth because of our kids. If you’re good to us, you’ll have a more faithful, supportive and loving life partner than you’ve ever had.
  7. I know what I want. I have reevaluated myself over and over and over. Trust me! That’s kind of what happens after you break up with someone and are left behind to take care of a child alone.
  8. I am particular about who I date. I have a child to worry about I can’t just get down with any random man who makes empty promises.
  9. Yes good guys date us. I’m a single mom not Quasimodo. Just because I’ve had a child doesn’t mean good men are walking around avoiding me.
  10. I already have kids so I’m not going to pressure you to have them with me. My motherhood is not a separate island off the coastline of myself. It is part of me. Most women will want to date you just so they can marry you and procreate. I’ll be dating you for YOU.

I hope this helps. Please be sure to check out my latest The GodQueen Live Podcast episode. In it I talk about navigating the negative opinions associated with Single Motherhood and how men can handle them.

How To Get Revenge on Deadbeat Baby Daddies

Fathers come in all forms. There are some really good fathers out there. Then there are some out there who don’t even acknowledge that they have children. Handling “baby daddies” has become a severe issue in recent years. Being as though single parenting has become extremely popular. It’s typical for women to use children as a weapon to extract revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings or breakups.

Just because two people have sex and the woman has a child does not indicate that the man who contributed is a father in anything but the technical definition of the word. It just means that his penis works. – Rebel Circus

There is a misconception that the only time a man abandons a child is if he and the woman he conceived a child with were never married. When the truth is most of the single mothers I have come in close proximity with are divorced. A woman can marry a man and when he decides to leave she can still go through an emotional rollercoaster with him as if they never agreed to terms and conditions of matrimony. When some of these men decide to start a new family with another woman they leave their ex wives and children completely behind, as if they do not exist. Men have displayed this behavior for decades now. This isn’t a new age problem. Men have been digging wholes they weren’t prepared to jump in for years.

Bring up the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are as diametric and unrelenting as bipartisan politics.

It is either:

  1. Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or

  2. Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers’ money — all of which is supported by the family court system. – Emma Johnson

I talk about these issues inside of the community often on my podcast THE GODQUEEN LIVE . Take a listen when you get the chance.

Most single mothers would have chose better male role models for their children had they been able to predict the future. Most women want strong providers. A man not taking care of his children financially is only 1 sign that a man is a deadbeat. There are several other signs that a Father is a deadbeat. Please, let me explain.

  1. He breaks promises. He doesn’t know how to execute any plans or goals. It’s one thing to say you want to be a father. Or even be excited during a pregnancy but it’s another to actually wake up every morning day in and out investing time and energy into a tiny human being.
  2. He never holds himself accountable and blames why he doesn’t provide for his children on everyone else. Most of the people in his life enabled him so taking responsibility for any of his issues would be too complicated of a task.
  3. He acts carefree, like he doesn’t have children at all. This is a sign of immaturity. He hasn’t grown up. Progress is an important part of becoming an adult. If a man still has the same behavior he had 2 years ago and he hasn’t improved, then you can rest assured that this person is not someone you can depend on.
  4. He downplays your accomplishments as a mother. You may be out here handling things on your own. Your kids are well taken care of. Buying your dream car or home. Starting your own business or getting a college degree. Somehow he’ll make it seem like these things are so easy to do. Even though he hasn’t accomplished those things himself. You have managed to become successful without him and that’s a hard pill for a man to swallow.
  5. He didn’t make you a better person during the relationship. When you are in a good partnership the person you are tied to helps you grow. He challenges you to be the best version of yourself possible. Deadbeats make your life more complicated. You experience more drama and hardships.
  6. He never has a straight answer for anything nor can he make a solid decision. He is a master of psychological games and manipulation. He talks in circles so much it makes you want to give up on adult conversation altogether and just get silent.
  7. He surrounds himself with the wrong friends or crowd. Most of the people a deadbeat hangs around are enablers. There is no one around him to tell him he’s making poor decisions. If you have low life standards the people around you have low life standards as well.
  8. He doesn’t take care of his own issues. These kind of men lack any sense of personal responsibility. He overlooks his own problems and expects everyone else to solve them. Keeping a steady job, a car or paying a mortgage seems to much of a responsibility for him.
  9. He procrastinates. This is why he has not accomplished much. Putting things off until the last minute or giving up on things that may be challenging is a display of laziness. It’s a character trait that most men who are deadbeats have. They always believe that they have time to waste.
  10. He’s petty. Yes, extremely. He thinks it’s cute. He was coddled most of his life. Don’t let you be the one to put your foot down. He’ll try to convince the world that you are the devil incarnate. He has contributed nothing worth mentioning to society let alone his relationship with his children but he still wants the world to believe he is God’s gift to you.

Now that we have established what a deadbeat dad is we have to focus on how to deal with one. Learning how to deal with the curse of a deadbeat dad is seemingly as difficult as cracking the Davinci Code. I’m going to share with you the advice most people would give you as far as how to deal with these deadbeats. Then I’m going to tell you how I deal with my sperm donor.

They say: Stop putting up with his incompetence. If you have enough patience to deal with the unintelligent you can baby step him through it. I personally don’t have time for that shit. Especially when I am dealing with a grown ass man. He is not a toddler or a puppy. I have a child to raise. I can’t be my ex’s mom too. That was his mother’s job.

They say: Offer him visitation rights for the right price. To me that attempt will be unsuccessful. Most deadbeats don’t want to see their kids anyway. They aren’t going to want to willingly pay to see them. Some deadbeats pay child support so they won’t look like a complete disgrace.

To me it’s a cop out or some type of pay off. Some type of QUID PRO QUO unsaid arrangement where a deadbeat obviously isn’t going to be around his children mentally, emotionally, spiritually or physically but he’ll cough up chump change because it’s the least he can do. It is not about what you can or can’t do for yourself and your baby or what you do and don’t need. A portion of his earnings are owed to your child. Child support is the business side of separate parenting and should be addressed in a business manner. It’s nothing personal.

I didn’t want to put my son’s father on child support. He asked for it. I would have preferred him just being there for his son. Being able to see him when he wanted. Loving him. Taking pictures when he wanted. Going on vacation with him. I can’t live without my son’s hugs. It’s unfortunate that his father can’t experience that. They’ve never even met. Filing for child support got me that DNA test I wanted. I wanted to prove to everyone that he was lying about not being our son’s father. He knows he is his Father. He knew when I was pregnant. The DNA test was unnecessary on one side of the coin but a requirement on the other. As much as I hate the concept of child support, I filed. Not wanting to be an active participant in your child’s life does not alleviate the financial responsibility of having children. For either parent. I don’t need his money nor do I want it. That money isn’t mine it’s my son’s. I’m not going to get in the way of that.

For more resources on how to become financially stable as a single mom go to https://richsinglemomma.com

Sometimes I think he makes our situation as complicated as possible because he wanted me to be the woman who still wanted a romantic relationship with him. But he turned me off during my pregnancy once he begin acting like he didn’t want to be a father to our child. It was unattractive. I don’t want someone that has blatantly said that they don’t want me for starters. I also think men who are non existent in their child’s life or are abusive to them do not deserve to breathe the same air I do. So imagine my surprise when the father of my child turned out to be that man. I had no problem letting him go. He wanted to leave. I wanted him to. My issue was never because of him wanting to leave me. My issue was that he waited until I was 5 months pregnant to decide he didn’t want to be a father. The issue is he abandoned US, leaving US to die in a roach motel while I was severely ill and in a high risk pregnancy. During tough times or challenges you don’t run like a bitch. You suit up and display the strength of a warrior.

They say: Ask him what he wants.

I did that…..good luck with getting a straight answer out of him.

A lot of men think that their “baby mommas” are women who wish they can still be with the fathers of their children. I was not interested. So the more I showed a lack of interest the more he tries to convince the world that I am not over him. When the truth is I never showed any sign that I still wanted to be in the relationship. Once he told me he wanted to get back with his ex, I was disgusted. I wasn’t about to play tug a war with another chick over d–k. I don’t have the patience for all of that. Now, It is very possible for him to love our child and not care a thing about me. I get it. Some women don’t. It may hurt to hear that for some but, it’s true. So far he hasn’t shown that that’s the case. He’s actually using our son as a pawn. He’s taking his frustrations out on our son by not being there for him because of his disdain for me. He doesn’t have to care about me but he will respect me. As the mother of his child and a human being. Or I simply won’t allow him to be around.

Some men can be manipulative—especially men who know it is in their best interest to keep custodial and child support payment arrangements outside of the courts by making a deal with you. So, what do they do? Say whatever they need to say to keep you satisfied—not happy but not angry enough to file papers either. If you want him to be your man, he’ll pose as a makeshift boyfriend. Don’t let your desperation to “fix” the situation or “make it right” turn you into a sucker for the okie-doke. – Nicole Williams

He tried to use my emotions against me. He actually called me trying to convince me to take him off child support claiming he wanted to be a good Father. Like suddenly the first week of January 2019 on some new year’s resolution tip he turned over a new leaf. He was just unemployed at the time and didn’t want to pay child support. Even to this day he is pissed off that his pay is being garnished.

I don’t talk bad to my son about his father. Kids grow up and see on their own who the problem is or was. I don’t dare make excuses for his ass either. My son will know that I do NOT play and I was not for the drama and lies when it came to co-parenting. I don’t want my son to resent me. So I won’t be the one to share with him that his father is a deadbeat. I’ll let my son decide with time how he feels and what he thinks about his father. I’m not even going to waste my energy painting a negative picture of him. I’ve shamed his father publicly. Mainly because he publicly humiliated me. So I had no choice but to clap back. I stand my ground with all 10 toes. It was part of me holding him accountable for his foolishness and I don’t regret it. Regardless to how much backlash I received from his enablers. They may not tell him where he did wrong but he gonna get in line messing around with me. He’s gonna be a grown man in my presence or he can keep his distance. I won’t settle for less.

So how do you deal with a deadbeat dad? Sorry honey but….ya don’t. Do without the drama. Let him be some other woman’s problem. I knew how he behaved once I was in my 6 month of pregnancy that he was going to be a deadbeat. He changed drastically. The man that was once excited I was pregnant had now become an ass. He knew it was all or nothing to me. I wasn’t going to allow a one foot in one foot out operation. He knew I wanted us to be a family. A complete one. We were on our way down the aisle. The plans were to be married then have children. God laughed at that plan and gave me a miracle baby that I thought was going to only be conceived once I found the right fertility clinic.

I’ve learned that you can’t change the way a person feels or what a person thinks about their children. When a person is severely damaged themselves they can’t even see the damage they cause in the lives of others. I’ve been fair. All I’ve asked for was his presence. Not for me to be placed on a pedestal. I do not feel a sense of entitlement. Apparently, I didn’t mean much to him before I gave birth or considering dumping me for his ex wouldn’t have been an option. (FYI he didn’t truly dump me for her. He was just using that as an excuse to end the relationship. They never did get back together. They claim to still be good friends though.) He chose her over his child. He has her respect as a man not mine. He’ll never get friendship out of me. I’ll only respect him if he chooses to be a better father to our son. How any woman can respect him abandoning a child is beyond me. I don’t want much from him at all. However, I do demand a level of respect for being the mother of his child. Since he doesn’t have an ounce of human decency to provide that, I rather not deal with him at all. It’s a boundary I set. I will not allow a man to disrespect me in front of my children. Period. I will not do that to him so I will not tolerate that from him.

Continue to be a supportive and loving mom to your child. One great parent is better than having two parents with one of the two being emotionally unattached to the child.

Minimize contact.

If it’s not about our son I really don’t have shit to say.

Establish boundaries. Do not entertain foolishness.

I deserve respect. He can’t give it then he will not be allowed to be around.

Do not feel sorry for your children.

Children deserve someone in their life who wants to be there. No sense in feeling sorry for your children because some deadbeat doesn’t want to be there. Does it make any sense to value a deadbeat? If he was father of the year then I could see you feeling sorry for your kids about his absence. I’m happy that my son has a healthy environment.

Be non emotional and logical.

As much as I can’t stand my son’s father I do NOT allow that to determine how I co-parent with him. I respect him as a Father. Since he has not played his position I have no respect for him at all. Husband and boyfriend is a different role than Father. Just because he was a terrible boyfriend to me doesn’t automatically make him a bad Father.

Teach emotional intelligence, healthy communication and positivity in your home.

That way toxicity and negativity will not be tolerated or introduced to your children by anyone in your household.

Do not argue with him.

I pretty much refuse to argue with my son’s father. He’ll get hung up on. I’ll excuse myself before I speak to him aggressively. I entertained 1 conversation with him since the birth of his son where we both lost control. Never again. I don’t have time for that. Arguments include emotions. Emotions that are not even worth addressing. Simply because they have nothing to do with our child. Since I’m logical I find it unnecessary to address emotional things or to fling insults. I’m not about to sacrifice years of happiness battling with an ex, trying to convince him to make contact with his own kid. That conflict can damage my child if he ever saw us do that in front of him.

On my YouTube Channel I promote that #SINGLEMOMLIFE It’s about empowering women to live positive healthy lives even though they are single. I am still a great mom even though my son’s father abandoned our son. My son will still grow up well rounded. I do not want to seek revenge on the father of my child. He doesn’t have that much power over me. I refuse to allow him to continue to rent space in my mind.

People who seek revenge instead of forgiving or letting go, tend to feel worse in the long run. Do you really want to waste your precious time on someone that doesn’t deserve it? Think of all the fun things you could be doing instead. Whether you believe in it or not, karma makes a much better friend than foe – make sure to keep on the right side of it. IF youseek revenge on the person who hurt you and they then take revenge on your revenge.. the cycle continues. Make sure you don’t get caught in a loop, it will only cause you further pain and hurt. It’s not worth it. MOVE ON. A better man will come and help you forget all about him. Stepfathers and good husbands are REAL. Don’t let the deadbeats fool you.

The Hunt: Single Mothers Try To Trap The Childless Man

(YouTuber & Singer, Queen Naija seen above. After her divorce from Chris Sails she sooner after started a relationship with her now boyfriend Clarence who she just conceived a child with. She rose to fame after releasing her song “Medicine” that was about her failed marriage with Chris Sails. Queen Naija and Chris Sails have a son together named CJ. Clarence does not have any other children.)

There are a lot of ridiculous things on the internet if you haven’t noticed. I see more ignorance on here than I do in the ghettoest Neighborhood Walmart. I always considered the web as a place where we all can look up ACCURATE information. Some sites of course mislead us. But with enough common sense you know how to decipher the difference between propaganda and actual FACTS. This place has become a cesspit of opinions, vitriol content and others desperate for likes, views, followers and subscribers. It’s all about social media and who can win the high school themed popularity contest. As if we have never socialized in real life and aren’t over the age of 25.

Social media has given the people who don’t travel the opportunity to interact with people they never thought they would. Like, “the celebrity” or popular person they admire from a distance. Not only can we interact with “the celebrity” we can accidentally slip on 100k followers on IG and become one. There is so much being done on the internet for shock and awe it’s becoming difficult to find information that is actually suitable enough for you to apply to your own life. This concerns me. The only reason why is because I’ve seen malicious people with the worse intentions steer people in the wrong direction. They have people out here saying and doing a lot of bafoonary. A lot of people don’t even realize how powerful their freedom of speech is. Then there are people that do realize it’s power and end up misusing the power to make people shift gears.

For almost a decade I’ve given relationship advice to men. I’ve interacted with so many men in regards to how they deal with women. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that a lot of the content posted by men was purposely created to attract and breed more hyper masculine toxic men. It’s bad enough that the public perception of men is so unsatisfactory. It gets even worse if you are a Black Man.

I saw somewhere that:

  • For various reasons, media of all types collectively offer a distorted representation of the lives and reality of black males.
  • In turn, media consumption negatively affects the public’s understandings and attitudes related to black males.
  • These distorted understandings and attitudes towards black males lead to negative real-world consequences for them.

Without understanding that their own music, movies and outlandish expectations of each other are what’s making them unfortunately harder to deal with they frivolously indulge in behaviors that seem entertaining but are detrimental to their own personal growth process. Then after they fall victim to the consequences of those choices they blame their own mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, wives and girlfriends for their misfortune. Yes the Black Woman, she is blamed.

Historical legacies of slavery and Jim Crow, the material and economic disparities related to that and other forms of historical racism, the role of the criminal justice system in controlling black males, the flow of resources toward and away from black males, and so on, are all important issues for understanding the current situation for black males in America.

A few days ago, after doing some research on Single Motherhood, I found this blog written by a Black Male who calls himself “Money Cultural”. After reading through his thoughts I realized immediately where he received his misinformation about Black Women from. Another Black Man ON SOCIAL MEDIA. A Black Man will go through 1 experience with a BAD Black Woman that he gave the benefit of the doubt too and dated anyway overlooking the red flags and then classify ALL Black Women as such. This brings me into the Black Single Mother Drag. Don’t date a Black Single Mother, they say. A BSM wants this and that and more assumptions, disdain, preconceived notions and XYZ. When really the woman you chose was just a bad woman. Her being a single mother had nothing to do with it. A mom is one role. A girlfriend is another. Just because she’s a mom doesn’t mean she’ll be a bad girlfriend or wife.

I read this blog thrice. 🙂 Just so I can give my personal thoughts.

HERE IS THE LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST: https://moneycultural.wordpress.com/2019/07/02/the-hunted-man/

I am not going to attack this man intellectually or any other man who disagrees with me. I’m just going to express my own concerns and experiences about what this man wrote.

  • He wrote: When it comes to dating especially online dating, which man who is on the black single mother’s radar? Well, it’s not the White man, the Asian man, the Latino man or the bi racial man. It is actually the childless black man. Yeah, the black men who has no children.

Most BSM will tell you that the kind of man we want in our lives is “THE GOOD MAN” regardless of color. We don’t mind a man having children as long as he’s a GOOD FATHER. There are also plenty of women on social media who are encouraging Black Women to date outside of their race. It’s more Black Women looking for NON-BLACK men than BLACK MEN realize.

  • He wrote: Look on the dating websites like Tinder, Match.com, Badoo and all of the other dating websites black single mothers looking for a black man with no children. And most of these childless black men are good black men who are living a good productive life.

If these men are living good productive lives they are most likely not going to be on a dating site at all. Finding a good woman is easier in real life for Good Men. The last place any man with some sense would do is go on a dating site. Dating sites are last resort. If they are such amazing men why would they be on a dating site to begin with? I ended up taking the last guy I met on a dating site serious by accident. When I first started talking to him I expected nothing from him but a couple of dates. I didn’t even expect us to have sex. Now we have a child together. We were supposed to get married. At 5 months pregnant he played me. I took the L. Most women know not to take dating sites seriously. It is rare that we meet anyone worth meeting on a dating site. Outside of my son’s father I have never got on a dating site and expected something good to come out of it. If you meet someone and fall in love that is an exception to a rule. The success rate for online dating is low.

  • He wrote: But the thing is that good black men are not dating these black single mothers because they do not want to deal with a woman which children, especially if she has one child. And these single black single mothers will put on a huge tantrum when they get rejected by good black men when they finds out that these black women are single mothers with a whole leap of children.

Good Black Men ARE dating BSM. Most of my female friends are married. At some point they were divorced or single. What we all seem to have in common is WE ARE MOMS and none of us have a problem finding a man who is interested in us and our kids. It is because we are GOOD WOMEN. Most Good Black Men realize that just because another man made a mistake by letting go of a good woman that doesn’t mean he also has to make that mistake. Spare me with the, if she was a good woman why did he let her go? Think about that question. If you are male and you are reading this you have met a woman that was good for you and you wasn’t ready for the relationship. It doesn’t mean you are a bad man or that she is a bad woman it just means that you weren’t prepared. I’m not saying all situations are like that however I am saying there are single mothers who are GOOD WOMEN. Each man defines what a GOOD WOMAN is to him. Not every Good Black Man has a hangup about becoming a stepfather. No man I’ve ever dated has ever given me slack about being a Single Mom. He understood. Most Good Men I’ve dated have children of their own. The ones that didn’t just wanted to know would I be open to having more.

He wrote: Let’s say that she has three kids. As you found out that she is a single mother, you stop talking to her and you walk off. No, better yet. You run like hell!

BSM are NOT pressed. We aren’t going to have a tantrum because we are rejected by a man. It’s rare we get rejected by a man. Too many of us are approached by dozens of men a day. There is no shortage of men. If you run from a woman because she has a child or children it says you are a coward NOT smart. What do people do when they are afraid? THEY RUN! Not every experience is identical. There are good moms out here who also know how to be good wives and girlfriends.

  • He wrote: When a good black man goes after a black woman for a date or for a relationship, he gets rejected. But when he says that he doesn’t want to date a single mother, everyone looks at him as a villain. How can anyone, mostly in the so called black community calling a black man a villain if he doesn’t want a woman with children?

When are men going to stop considering men and women equal when it’s convenient for them? We all get rejected at some point in our lives. However, men get rejected by women more often because they are more likely to pursue. THEY ARE MEN! Men are classified as a villain when they reject single moms because of their shallow reason for why they are rejecting us. If she treated you poorly it would make sense to reject her. A door to door salesmen gets rejected a lot more than a man who is a sales associate at a T-Mobile. Randomly knocking on a strangers door asking them do they want to buy something they didn’t initially take interest in is bound to get that salesperson rejected. However, if you are a sales associate at a place where people are walking in looking to buy you have a better success rate.  Same for men who randomly approach women.

Men have to understand that MOTHER is one role and GIRLFRIEND is another. They don’t have the same meaning. To instantly reject a woman romantically because she has children is equivalent to a woman rejecting you romantically because you can’t bench press 500 lbs, you can’t build a house, or you choose to pay someone to do your landscaping instead of mowing the lawn yourself. Choosing not to date a single mother is alright. Just admit that you are shallow. It’s ok.

  • He wrote: Why don’t everybody look at the single black mother as the villain because she is the one who is destroying the black community with this black matriarchy, raising these children without a father in the household and making these young black boys kill each other in the streets…

When are men going to stop with the depicting themselves to be a superhero regardless to how much damage they have done? He just blamed violence in these streets on BSM. He just blamed Black Men abandoning their children on BSM. Let me tell you a thing or two about Good Black Men, NONE OF THEM HAVE ABANDONED THEIR CHILDREN, for starters. Good Black Men fight for their children. They try to get custody and visitation. They don’t just disappear. They pay child support. Or they do what they are supposed to do so filing for child support isn’t even considered. Most single mothers are barely getting $200 a month from fathers they put on child support. Most of the fathers are only put on child support because they refused to handle their responsibilities. Most women have enough sense not to have a baby with a man she knows is irresponsible. Please understand that, Bad Men don’t walk around advertising that they have nefarious intentions. What villian is going to scream from them mountain tops that that’s what they are? They’d never get what they wanted if they put themselves on blast. Yes BSMs have made a poor choice in a man, if they abandon their child. But why is she being blamed for not knowing who he truly was from beginning? He knew he had bad intentions and still participated. He is to blame for the demise of the Black Family. Most women don’t want to raise a child without their father unless he is extremely toxic. We want the help. When we have to beg men to help, most times we give up and handle it on our own. We don’t have time to beg a man to be in the life of his own child. If someone has to beg a man to be a father to his own blood something is wrong with HIM not her.

He wrote: Why they are so many black single mothers chasing after these good black men? The reason for that is because she is using him as insurance. Right, let me explain. When it comes to looking for a black man, she wants him to have his own home, his own car, make sure he makes a six figure salary, make sure he has a good job and so on. But when she sees a good black man, now she is calling him corny, lame, he’s a nice guy; he’s masculine and he’s not my type. So she puts him on the shelf and dates Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12. By the time she get dick down by these thugs, criminals and the unproductive men and has children with them, then she goes back to the good black man when he becomes successful or have something going on in his life so she looks at him as an insurance policy when she sees him having his own car, his own house, his own money, making six figures a year. But then she gets rejected by the good black man because he will refuse to date a single mother.

These little boys and their fantasies, I tell ya. It’s humorous. I’ve chuckled a couple of times rereading his blog. The arrogance and conceit displayed in his words are disappointing. Let me reassure most men that, (especially if you consider yourself a Good Black Man) most BSM don’t have time to date. We aren’t chasing anything because we are literally too busy to. It takes a lot of energy to raise kids when they do have their Father around. Imagine the energy required to take care of a child alone. Most of us have our own education, car, job and salaries. We are working BSM. Most of my friends are nurses, paralegals, my mom was an accountant raising me. In order to NOT live in poverty or be on government assistance we have to WORK. The traditional woman who is making sure a man has a good job is doing that because these women were taught that men are providers. The new age woman who is making sure a man has a good job is doing that because we want to make sure he matches us economically. We already have enough of a load to carry raising kids alone. We don’t want to have to financially factor in our MAN as another child. History has shown most women that when we do entertain a man who has potential, he either doesn’t live up to his own expectations or when he does finally get to a good place financially and career wise he leaves for a woman he classifies as better than us. Instead of him displaying a level of loyalty, he leaves. Forget sticking to the woman that helped you make it, move on to whoever you now consider on your level.

Contrary to popular belief just because you are a nice guy doesn’t mean you are a match to every woman on the planet. Being nice is not the only character trait a good women wants in a man. There are other things we are attracted to. Not every good man or nice man is corny or lame. If a woman is calling you corny or lame…. it is coincidental that you are also nice. Being nice doesn’t mean you aren’t corny or lame.  There are also buttholes who are corny and lame.  “He’s not my type because he’s masculine.” SAID NO GOOD WOMAN EVER! This man is confused. IDK what YouTube video he watched or low energy Black Male he listened to, but that man has this man CONFUSED. A BSM is not interested in Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12, because these men are bad for our children. If she has seen what a good man is and has experienced one she would not choose those types. Any woman with half of a brain would NOT date those types of men or have those types of men around her children. The only reason a woman would even consider dating those types of men would be because she herself is a product of the environment she grew up in where those men were her leaders. She doesn’t know any better. You have to have a level of compassion for any person who is doing only what they know. If you know better you do better.

Please keep in mind:

Black Men are faced with achieving masculinity [in media representations] through their corporal selves as physical threats (i.e., as athlete, rapper, drug dealer or gang member) as opposed to their intellectual contributions. To be viewed as assertive and aggressive is valued in our culture. So some women who have been watching too much tv think these type of men are appealing. Also a lot of Black men prefer to sexually objectify women and support toxic masculinity as a means to bond with each other. The aggressive male are presented as part of the dominant ideology in the Black community. Men don’t want to be GOOD MEN. They want to be Pookie, Ray Ray, John John, Block House Jim, Big Dick Rodney, Mac 10 and his brother Mac 12.

At the time I’m writing this blog, my daughter is 19. Her father is classified all across the board as a GOOD MAN at 43. He is in Telecommunications/Information Technology. He is a good provider, a good father. He wore glasses, button ups and slacks to work. He is educated. He went to college. He grew up with both of his parents. He barely uses profanity and I’ve only gotten into 2 arguments with him out of the 25 years I’ve known him. Women have called him corny and lame plenty of times. But what they don’t know is at 22, he was a drug dealer and going to college. He did it before I met him and while we were together. For 5 years after we met he was a corporate thug, going to work in the day time and at night dealing drugs. He’d put on his leather jacket, jeans and Timberland boots, hopped in his luxury car and did what he has to do. When our daughter was born he stopped dealing drugs altogether. He stopped dealing drugs and replaced that side hustle with delivering food and packages. He always had a nice things, his own place, he always dressed nice. He is a good looking man. He is responsible, easy to talk to and has goals and ambition. He is picky about women. He is very selective and always has been. He is not walking around here rejecting single moms. He’s rejecting women who play games, are dishonest, have no goals, have no ambition, promiscuous women, women who treat him poorly. He has never been married. We broke up after our daughter was born but he never left either of us alone to fend for ourselves. We had plenty of conversations about marriage. We both knew we wanted to be good parents. We always had a good friendship. Our relationship was good. He didn’t want our relationship anymore because of a personal issue he had that had nothing to do with me but he did NOT abandonment us. He was always there for our daughter and still is.

At the time I’m writing this blog, My son is 1 years old. His father is a coward, a liar, and a narcissist. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and over looked the red flags. He wasn’t always bad to me. He wasn’t perfect but I loved him anyway. I thought so highly of him. I was extremely kind, catering, loving, submissive and open minded with him. He seemed intelligent, he enjoyed having fun and being social. HE HAD POTENTIAL TO BE GREAT. At least that’s what I saw in him. He was never a drug dealer, never a thug. He always held down a job. A low paying one, but he loved to work. He had goals he wanted to accomplish but never applied himself. He seemed like the perfect person for me until I realized he was never going to apply himself. He wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer but he had PHYSICAL strength. A sense of masculinity that was attractive. He was my healer. ..My protector. I thought he was my friend. He had no real education. He grew up with a mother, a father and a step father. He didn’t graduate from high school. He was separated when I met him, now divorced. He has no other children. He has NEVER met our son. Fear set in when I was 5 months pregnant and he selfishly left. That says a lot about his character. We had plenty of conversations about marriage and children. We made plans. We knew we wanted to be good parents. We were also concerned about money. After he denied our son I filed for child support. He asked to be on child support. Saying I needed to prove our son was his. After the DNA test came back positive he was ordered to pay $269 a month. Being as though I make more money than he does his payments are low. I am responsible for 67% of my son’s expenses by law. I have custody of our son.

I explained this because what I want men to understand is that what makes a person a bad person is their character, not because they made a mistake or poor choice in a partner. Not because they have children. Male or female. SO when you choose women, choose them based upon how well they treat you. Not every woman you meet is trying to use you for what you have. But NO woman wants to be handling everything ALONE. Men don’t want that either. I can tell you as a single mother, handling everything alone is hard. It’s not impossible but it’s hard.

Even though both of my relationships ended only 1 of those men chose to still be a father. He understood that boyfriend and father are two different roles. I moved my son out of a predominantly Black area so we could grow up in a multicultural environment. There he can learn different cultures, ways of living and perspectives of life. That way he’d have a better CHARACTER. I moved 2,000 miles away from Atlanta to California for my SON. My daughter didn’t grow up in a predominantly Black area either. I want my kids to see the world, not just the four corners of the hood. So I work my ass off for my kids, ALONE when I have to. Any man worth my attention should admire that. Any man that loves me will love my kids because they are a part of me. They will never look at my kids as if they are some burden. If my better choices for my kids make it to where I have to eliminate a toxic FATHER, then so be it.

He wrote: When black single mothers get rejected by good black men, they are now stuck with the man that she doesn’t want to be with and that is the simp. The simp or the captain save a hoe will date a woman with children in an instant. The simp will say something stupid like the black woman needs protecting. Oh boy! Why would you protect a hoodrat while she is living off by government assistance? She looks like she’s protected to me. Nothing is wrong loving black women or being with one but there are some black women you can’t be with, all because a ratchet black woman can cause a huge amount of problems for any black man.

Black women need protecting because they are important not because they are weak. Nor do they suddenly don’t need protecting because they are living off of government assistance. If anything, you as a GOOD BLACK MAN, should lead a woman struggling into a better state of living. GOOD BLACK MEN are leaders they know how to see a woman having a difficult time economically and teaching her how to improve. Not every BSM is a hoodrat. Not ever BSM is ratchet. Even if she is on government assistance, trust me the assistance she is getting is chump change that’s why she’s still in the hood. If the government was giving her all of this amazing support her and her children would not be struggling somewhere in the projects. Of course ratchet women can cause a problem in a man’s life, vice versa for women. If we make a poor choice in man he can cause all hell to break loose. I had a lot of rebuilding to do after my son’s father’s havoc.

Let’s reflect…

Single Mothers are looking for GOOD MEN, regardless of color. Of course this man isn’t speaking of a SBM like me. I’m out here doing my thing. A good thing. I’ve learned so much and yes I’ve made plenty of mistakes. Just like the next person. Yes there are women out their that cause problems. I’m just not one of them. Some have even tried to make it seem like I am, not even knowing me. There are bad women out there. But it isn’t because they are single mothers. It’s because their character is in question. Just because I am a BSM doesn’t mean I have a bad character. It just means I chose the wrong partner. Most of us would not choose a matriarch…we had no choice.