Tag Archives: single women

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now

Written By: Kei Latrice

Okay, you might be asking yourself, is it really possible to raise a child to become a baby mama or daddy? Like, are parents actually out here training their kids to be solo-dolo moms and dads, for God sakes? Or, better yet, I know a few of you are rolling your eyes, thinking, “here comes another self-righteous asshole looking down their nose on non-married people with kids!”– I get it. Parenthood is hard enough, especially when the task is taken on alone, or even as part of a co-parent situation; the last thing any single parent needs, then, is another conservative, “Yaaay, I dodged a bullet”, know it all, telling them how to raise, or in this case, not raise their kids.

So, I’m not going to do that– pass judgment, that is. Instead, I’m going to use those three fingers that always point back at someone, when one points out of course, to tell my own story in three parts. So here goes: The first thing I should note, is that I am married, although most people already know that. Number two–My husband and I have five children, which many of my readers already know as well. Number three, however, is what might be more of a shocker– and that is how I was not married when I conceived my first child. Feel free to clutch your pearls and gasp!

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So babe, how you feeling our new apartment?

See, what had happened was this, Des, (who was just my boyfriend at the time), and I, thought it would be a great idea for me to ditch my graduate school dormitory, and for him to move out of his slum lord apartment, so that the two of us could shack up. It just made sense. We could save on bills, enjoy movie nights and pizza in bed whenever we wanted to, and most importantly, have easy access to early morning sex– a duh! I mean, what twenty-something year old wouldn’t want that? Everything was perfect– even without furniture and in spite of our overpriced rent, until the day I regailed that extra pink line on my doomsday, I mean pregnancy stick.

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Oh hell no– it’s really two lines on here!

Of course I was shocked; the trepidation of not knowing what my life would look like with a child, replaced what should have been a feeling of joy. Des and I had talked about getting married, eventually, but nothing was set in stone. I’ll never forget the day we told my mother: in a restaurant, over pasta and salad, we showed her our plastic truth stick (gross, I know, but hey, we were twenty-ish and dumb) and my mom simply cried. Later, she admitted that her worst fears had come true: I was unmarried and pregnant and might have to raise a child alone.

Be sure to check out Soncerae’s latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

But now, let’s talk about how crazy both of our reactions were, (my mother’s and mine), especially since there had been no Whodini stunt, nor was I the victim of an immaculate conception. I got pregnant the good old fashioned way because we weren’t using protection. It really shouldn’t have been a shock. More importantly, though, the title of baby mama was the very status that I had been groomed for from childhood, and I would have become that, had it not been for our (shotgun) wedding. Let me explain how:

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The Married Couple I knew. We hung out with them every Thursday at 8.

I Had Little to No Examples! Virtually every woman I knew growing up, raised their children without fathers in the home. That was my norm. Fathers came around, sometimes, and gave financial support, occasionally. They rarely lived with the women they had children with and they certainly weren’t married. The married couples I saw growing up were either on television, or, if I encountered them in real life, they didn’t look like me.

My Bar Wasn’t Set That High. In grade school, my aunt promised me $100 if remained childless until after my high school graduation. In my family, having a baby before marriage wasn’t what brought you shame, it was more so being a teenaged mom. At around 19, this same aunt gave me the conception green light. I’d not only graduated from high school, but I was also working, and (in her eyes) somewhat self-sufficient. This meant I’d met my family childbirth standards and could now get pregnant without being shunned. As for my mother and her opinion on the subject, well, let’s just say I had her example, instead of her words.

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Me making it to graduation baby free!

I Had No Actionable Plan. So this one was a bit trickier; as far as having children and being married, I knew I wanted both, but I never really considered the order in which I’d get them. If I had actually taken the time to think about it, I might have been just a little more hesitant about that whole shack up and anytime sex situation with Des. I also would have likely been prepared for, and thus excited about my first pregnancy, instead of just surprised and confused.

My mother, my aunt, and all the women in my family did the best they could to steer me in a positive direction, still they couldn’t prepare me for what they didn’t know. Now, I have the benefit of using the blueprint of their lives and combining it with mine, to help my sons and daughters make better choices. Here’s how:

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I Always Speak of Their (future) Husbands and Wives. Little girls love to fantasize; I know from personal experience, and now having two daughter of my own, I see it with them even more. When they speak on boyfriends, or love, or dating, however, I make make it a point to tie those things to their future husband. For example, if my daughter, who is ten, mentions dating, I’ll say something to this effect, “never date someone who wouldn’t make a good husband.” Then we’ll go into all the things that make a man husband material. Or, when my youngest daughter talks about being a mommy, I always address the topic in a plural sense. So, for example, I’ll say, “when you and your husband have a baby,” or, “you need to be married first,”. I do the same thing with my sons. “Never have sex with a woman you couldn’t see being your wife,” is something I say to them often. When my sons balk at doing hard tasks, I’ll remind them of the wife and children who’ll one day depend on them. The takeaway is this: This type of dialogue lets our children know what our family expectations are and helps them to develop a marital mindset.

I Put My Own Marriage on a Pedestal. Ask any one of my children who my favorite person is and even my youngest, who is five, will answer “Dad”. In fact, my kids often tease me when I whine about missing Des and say, “Sheesh, Dad hasn’t even been gone that long.”, but I can’t help it. Yes, I absolutely adore my children; Each one occupies a piece of my heart that makes up one whole. Nevertheless, as much as I love them, their Father is the one person I most want to spend time with, cuddle with, hang out with, and talk to, because he was there before them and will (fingers crossed) be there after they’ve gotten families of their own. The Takeaway is this: We’re instilling in our children the critical importance of putting your marriage first and that successful families have a natural and meaningful order.

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When you and hubby are each other’s favorite person!

I Encourage Them To Be Intentional. When it came to areas such as education and career, I knew exactly what I wanted to achieve and how to accomplish it. Regarding love and starting a family, however, I was way more willy-nilly and unprepared. That’s why I’m teaching my children to be methodical about both. For instance, I pose questions that make them think about how a family will fit into their long term goals. I advise them about the pitfalls of reckless sex and ways of avoiding them, and I give them examples of how their choices will effect them for generations. The Takeaway is this: We are instilling into our children the concept that planning for a family is as crucial, if not more so, than planning for an education or career.

Now, for the critics– the ones who’ll point out that there aren’t any guarantees; the ones who’ll swear that kids are going to do what they want regardless, I’d tell them all that they’re right. See, our children have these peculiar things in them called, minds of their own. Despite all of our teachings and best efforts, they will ultimately make their own decisions in life. Still, the optimist in me can’t help but try anyway. Sure, I could miss the mark as a parent, in getting them to not be a baby mama or daddy, but, I will absolutely miss it if I just do nothing. I’d say, I have a good 50/50 chance. Plus, I already have proof this goal is acheivable. I came from a clan full a baby mama’s, and now just look at me– I’m a stressed-out happily married mother of five nerve-wracking beautiful kids. That’s a hell-of-enough evidence for me!

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Babe, we did it! We actually pulled this thing off!!!

Tell us what you think? Are parent’s really out here raising kids up to be baby mamas and daddies? If so, tell us how and if not, tell us why? We want to hear from you!

Stop Raising Baby Mamas and Daddies! 3 Ways to Break the Cycle Now original post https://thetalkship.com/2019/05/16/stop-raising-baby-mamas-and-daddies/

Written By: Kei Latrice

Be sure to check out my latest PODCAST Baby Mama VS Baby Daddy… Can’t We Just Be Family? Episode 41 – The God Queen Live Podcast

Why I Opened Up A Trust Fund For My Son

One of the first things I did after I gave birth was open up a trust fund for my son. After, being homeless and pregnant, abandoned by his father and moving 2,000 miles away from Georgia to California. So I could have a better life, I promised myself I’d never live another day in poverty and neither will my children. My oldest Daughter Dominique, 19, has lived a life of privilege because both her dad and I were able to provide a good life for her. She also experienced life without the financial assistance of her dad and I. On the road to financial freedom I wanted to make sure that both of my children understand generational wealth and the lack thereof. As a single mother, society often pins the poverty ball and chain to our ankles. As if the absence of a man, father or husband deems us incompetent. Granted 100 years ago there were things women weren’t allowed to do. Like, vote, stand up against sexual harassment, get a credit card, serve on a jury, run a marathon, attend an Ivy League college, stay on the job during pregnancy, be taken serious in the military or on the police force, or get an abortion. Thanks to the feminists now we get to tie our own shoes and everything.

There are some disadvantages of being a single mother and one is a decreased income after divorce or break ups. What slips everyone’s mind is that the man leaving the marriage also takes a financial hit. If after a divorce a husband becomes a single father would people suddenly disrespect him how they do single mothers? No! They’d praise him for standing up and taking care of his children without their mother. Of course family income is great. There is a partnership in place there. If you are married the joint income is highly beneficial. If you’ve never been married and receive child support benefits or not you can still have financial stability. People forget to mention how empowering it is to do things on your own regardless of your gender.

YOU get to decide how to spend your money.

YOU make the financial plans.

YOU will also be able to help your children understand finances and teach them to manage money better.

Being a single parent will mean that you help your child be a team player and work together as a team, instead of making your child rely on you for every little thing. Your child will learn the importance of planning and handling his or her actions. When you want to do something for the house, such as get a new piece of furniture or even go grocery shopping, chances are you will always ask your child for their opinion. Not only will it make your child feel important, but it will also instill a sense of responsibility that will come from participating in team work and everyday decision-making process. – Debolina Raja

Of course we as single mothers need a support system. But the outdated stigma placed on us has begin to remove itself. People are starting to understand that a single parent home is just a different home not a broken one.

Children in single parent families spend more one-on-one time with their parent. This allows the two to establish a closer bond with one another.

Children from single parent homes are taught how to be responsible early on.

Independence develops early on, making the child come out ahead of others his or her age in that regard.

Two parents aren’t necessary for success. Friends and relatives of either gender can teach children. There are children who still end up being great human beings because they at least had 1 great parent. All it takes is a good loving disciplined environment for a child to turn out well rounded whether they are raised by a male or female, parent or guardian. It takes a village, I say. I need all of the positive collaborators I can stand. A child doesn’t need just his father or just his mother. A household doesn’t come crumbling to the ground simply because a man isn’t present in it. Children do step outside of their homes and run into all types of influences that can be detrimental or helpful to the process of their growth.

Fortunately, for me I am not on government assistance. I was encouraged to do so and some people even refuse to believe to this day that I’m not on it. Even though SECTION 8 is closed in San Francisco people automatically assumed I was on it once I moved into one of my new homes earlier this year. Instead of celebrating that I went from homelessness to now living in a beautiful home, they begin to discredit my efforts and improvements. Some assumed I’d stay homeless forever. Not realizing that I am a college educated, very determined, intelligent woman who also happens to be resourceful. I made a poor choice in trusting a man to lead me. Trusting him with my survival turned out to be detrimental to me and the son we conceived together.

Contrary to what’s being force fed to the masses these stereotypes hold no validity to me and the single mothers I associated with:

Single moms are the least likely women to get married or remarried.

Children in single-parent families always have deficits, do poorly in school and suffer emotionally and behaviorally.”

Children raised by single moms actually resent and hate their mothers”

Single mothers are unable to give their sons the upbringing that they need and once they have to face the world, they prove to be failures since they lacked a man living at home.

Youth raised by a single mom are at higher risk for substance abuse.

Children are at greater risk of physical abuse in single mother households than in single father households.

High Youth Crime Rates are a direct result of not having a father at home.

Single moms are lonely and have a hard time finding a new man.

A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother.

Children growing up without a father in the home are more than twice as likely to end up in jail.

Not only am I proof that all of those statements are untrue. I am not the only adult who was raised in a single parent home that turned out decent. Of course I’ve made mistakes just like the average person but this wasn’t because I was sporadically raised by a single mother. It’s because I was not taught certain things that most parents both mother and father teach their children. I learned from valuable lessons from the people in my family as well as some poor habits. My mom was somewhat negligent. Mainly because of her work schedule and tending to my step father and his shenanigans. Don’t get me started on that. After meeting my biological Father I’m glad she kept him away from me. He was a mess. He was dishonorably discharged from the military…..let that sit with you.

My mother was an accountant. She didn’t teach me much about accounting. She just handed me a check book with my name on it. I was confused. I’ve always had an interest in finance, economics, business, technology, psychology, sociology, spirituality and metaphysics. I knew one day that these interests would generate me multiple sources of income. I started my first job at 15 and my first business at 18. I am currently a business owner. I love what I do. There is still room for improvement.

Be sure to check out richsinglemomma.com to get tips on how to improve your finances.

This ride has been a wild one though. I’ve been evicted twice and homeless twice. Let me just say homeless and pregnant is much more severe that my college days of sleeping on my friend’s couch and eating top ramen, oriental flavor. This was a whole different level. Ending up in a domestic violence shelter and not knowing where my next meal would come from is terrifying. So now more than ever I think about what I’d do in the future in case something drastic happens. It’s all about simply making better choices. Like choosing a credit union instead of a traditional bank account, avoiding debt and not relying on a man to provide for me and my children. It makes no sense for women to be out here screaming “MISS INDEPENDENT” then the second they have a child they want to rely on a man for financial stability. Feminists have been out here fighting for us to do our own thing. Stop relying on these men for your survival. Co parenting and even marriage are a partnership. If you choose the wrong man you will still be living in poverty whether you are married to him or not.

Like I told YouTuber Paris Milan after her community post:

Oooh chile, y’all triggered on the last post. According to y’all, majority of single mothers became that way after a divorce, widowed, or if they had em out oow then they are NOT struggling financially. My question is, does a man’s income whom you have your child with, NOT make a difference? Is that a figment of my imagination?

I said: Majority of the single moms I know in Northern California are divorced and arent black. It isnt a man’s income that’s important. It’s his ability to be committed to the partnership. We can make money together. If his income matters SO DOES MINE. We are a team.

A friend of mine and I were discussing my interest in opening a Laundromat and buying into a Franchise. He told me that he and his wife opened a laundromat then bought a Chick-Fil-A. She has since passed away and he just closed on an apartment building. They were both making 6 figures a year and they have 2 children. He is a single father now. Had the shoe been on the other foot she would’ve done the same thing he did for their children. He said it was her that believed in him and saw in him what he didn’t see in himself. She helped him become successful before she passed away. Yes a blessed union between two people is admirable but at the same time if something happens to one parent the other needs to kick into gear.

My son’s father was not in the best place financially when my son was born. I knew he wasn’t financially stable when I met him. So my goal was to encourage him to improve. When I met him I was financially getting back on my feet from a hard hit. Then my pregnancy threw me for a loop and I was struggling myself, AGAIN. My son’s father was no help. While severely ill instead of him working harder to keep us afloat until I could get back in place he ran and left me to fend for myself. He encouraged me to move back in with my ex. Like that made sense. I was supposed to ask my ex to let me move in with him while I’m pregnant by another man? What type of Maury Povich, Love & Hip Hop bullshit was he on? It wasn’t until months later I realized that he asked me to move in with my ex because his ex was his crutch and he could go move in with her with ease. She played his momma on more than one occasion. I ended up in a roach motel doing crowd funding and asking for donations from people I knew on social media. It was embarrassing but I had to do it. Other people helped me moved to California. If it wasn’t for their kindness I wouldn’t be here. My son was financially taken care of the first year of his life. We had raised a lot of money. He had all of the clothes and toys he needed. I owe my friends, family, associates, business partners and supporters my life. Had they not been pulling for me and wanting me to get out of the mess I was in I don’t think I would’ve made it.

My 19 year old daughter, Dominique and I talk about generational wealth all of the time. We think about multiple ways to generate income that will last in our family for centuries. We want to give our kids and our kids, kids something to build off of. I’ve taught her the important of building and investing her money. She uses an app called Acorns to help her with her investments and uses CashApp for her bitcoins. I was so proud of her this morning when I dropped her off at the San Francisco International Airport. She was dressed in her business casual attire, ready to hop on a first class United Airlines flight. She was headed to Washington, DC to see her Father and his side of the family. The fact that my daughter has been on an airplane under the age of 21 3x the amount of times I took flight under that age is impressive. She is simply a better version of me. It’s extraordinary. Not only is she investing in herself I myself have invested in a life insurance policy and an irrevocable trust fund for my son. I can place cash, stock, real estate or other valuable assets in his trust. My goal is to put whatever property I purchase after buying into a franchise into my son’s trust. He will only be able to receive monthly payments from his trust AFTER he has completed 4 years of college. The stipulation is that he has to complete 4 years of college and receive a Bachelor’s Degree before he is 25 years of age. Or he can use the money if he has expenses due to an injury or disability. The child support payments that are currently being garnished from his Father’s pay are going into his trust fund account. The goal is to make this a lasting legacy for my grandchildren as well.

Living in San Francisco, California, I am in a completely different tax bracket than I was when I resided in Atlanta, Georgia. We are all millionaires here. It’s another standard of living. I wanted to challenge myself. I have and I’ve grown. Something as simple as learning what a net income is, or what EBITDA stands for is a good place to start for anyone on the path to financial freedom. Everything is a learning process. I’ve taken my experiences and used them as a way to motivate myself to not only generate more money but to manage it better. My legacy has always been important to me. Becoming an exceptional mother is a the top of that list. Part of what makes me a good mom is being able to provide for my children and teach them how to be self sufficient. My son is 16 months old now by the time he turns 18 he will be a multi-millionaire. I’ll make sure of it.